what do white women love about black men?

Which is why I chimed in;-)
Yes what Sarah said. Let’s put it this way, Africans are generally friendly, sociable people and being in touch with someone, talking to someone of the opposite sex etc isn’t necessarily anything romantic, especially if you are classmates.
This guy however was brought up in the US so we shouldn’t project too much “Africanness” on him. You are right, only you know exactly what was said and how it was said. I guess at this point since you had a different idea and you feel disappointed I guess I’d just cut him off if I were in your shoes. There’s really no benefit for you in keeping in touch with some married guy in Ethiopia. You’ll find love somewhere else with someone else!

 

Yes, at this point, I am just going to let it all fade out. I hope so, maybe some day, but maybe not, and like I mentioned what was frustrating is my current circumstances limit me from easily going out and meeting anybody else, and opportunities for me do not come that often, that is another reason why this was so frustrating.

When classmate was mentioned, it made me think about context, I was just reading stuff online about approaching, and I came across alot of articles on how guys can tell if a woman likes them, and they did mention context, meaning settings, and I think this could apply to the opposite as well; when a woman might approach a guy.

I think this was a factor as well, we met in a fast paced stressful time in college, and the one I was at was known as a commuter campus, most students are just passing through, and we are all going from class to class, and in the class we were first in together, I dont think he really liked it, it was a European history class. Anyway, I can see that part; setting can make all the difference, now had we met in a club or somewhere more relaxed it might have been different, it was just not meant to be, and I did step out of my comfort zone, and know that I dont think I let an opportunity pass me by.

I recall people through the years saying college is a great way to meet people, but I am not so sure, it seems most just pass through, then marry, have kids, and forget about their college friends. To me, from my limited experience, it is not the best place to make friends or meet people.

 

I just point out that cultural differences are important. How we see things differently.
It is not an excuse or a cover to have "many women". Though some do this too.
A lot will depends on his family/tribal traditions/religion.
Even in Ethiopia, there are many different peoples.
I remember seeing a travel programme about a tribe in south Ethiopia, where the women seemed to have all the decision making. The men there even wore mini skirts ! Almost a reversal of western culture.

 

I have had a fair amount of Ethiopian, Eritrean and Somalian friends since university (a long time ago for younger forum participants haha). From what I have observed, the Horn cultures are somewhat of a hybrid, exhibiting characteristics found in sub-Saharan African and Arab cultures. I’m sure this as due to both geography and history. Polygamy is practiced among some ethnic groups, and among others no. They are both open to friendships and often (but not always) closed to exogamy. Parents and extended family often (again, not always) play a role in mate selection, even among those born/raised in the US.

Without knowing your friend, it is impossible to say with any certainty, but he could be being truthful or he could have realized late that you were interested in more and pulled back. Also, because Western views on individual rights and sexuality are so different, many people from these cultures believe westerners go through sexual partners like they go through socks and think their time in the west will allow them to have fun before settling down and returning to the fold. He may view mate selection as a far more serious matter and might have never considered the possibility of a non-Ethiopian spouse. That being said, he may not have viewed his actions as hurtful or harmful at all, and assumed this was simply par for the course. He may have only intended friendship, but friendships in those cultures are far more intimate and close than what is common among contemporary western cultures, appearing as if romantic / sexual intimacy was his goal. Nevertheless, his service in the military should have given him some greater familiarity with US mass culture.

Obviously, only you can truly know what was felt by the two of you and the context in which it happened. I just would chalk it up to experience and know that life is long and you will meet many people throughout the course of yours. Love will happen.

 

Yes, it is looking like that, that is the thing, when I first saw him in my class back in the day, he appeared American, and even sounded American, and he wore things affiliated with the Marines, so it did not occur to me he was foreign. Now had I known or if he had worn something, or had a thick accent, or something to indicate he was foreign, I would have known he was foreign, and I probably would not have tried to talk to him.

I read some stuff online about Ethiopians, about a woman who was puzzled and had a crush on a guy, and on another that some of those guys are womanizers, and flirt with other women.

I see now that some view friendships differently, but it still sounds a little dodgy, like it is set up for men to have their cake and eat it too. The whole sexual socks thing, yeah, to me that is a little hypocritical, they might appear moral and religious, and I have read about that of some of the men in cultures like that, where there is a duality; western women are the whores, and their women, of which many are subordinate, are the madonnas, so they move between them both, not treating them fairly. I also read that in many traditionalist cultures, women lack much equality, while the men can play around.

Culture aside, for the most part some of those attitudes described, come from male dominated cultures, where women do not occupy equality, or are not viewed as equal, and if that is the case with this guy, as we both can only guess now, then perhaps I am better off not knowing him, and his puling away was a blessing in disguise. If I get involved with any guy, black, white, blue whatever, he needs to be able to see women as full humans, not just in terms of a duality of good and bad. Side notes, he needs to know what a clitoris and g spot is, and where; meaning he has had a decent modern sex education.

Also some African nations and the horn have among the worst records for human rights, and women's rights, especially genital mutilation, arranged marriages, and lack of equal access to reproductive autonomy and education, so I think things can get a little murky, when "culture" is mentioned, how far does that go? I can only buy the whole culture thing so much.

I agree, he has been in the US for a while, so it is not like he is fresh off the boat, and innocently just charms women, I think he knows what he is doing, and like it is said, he should have known some of western culture by now, it is basic respect for the land you are in, just as it would be expected of an American in Africa.

I guess I met him when he was done with his western women whore phase and was ready to settle down with his madonna phase.

There is or seems to be a general lack of seeing women as full humans in many traditionalist cultures, and where western women are seen as easy, well, that reflects their ignorance, and lack of understanding that not all of us are the same.

We are not just toys for their taking, where they can !@@#$ all over the place, hurt people, then go back home. The US is a beautiful place, not a foreign dumping grounds, place, we have our problems like other nations. When they are in the US, they should learn and understand our culture, just as it is expected of us about theirs. I cannot get on board with or abide by the idea that they see us as changing socks and judge westerners for this, and then hypocritically come to the US for "fun" and then treat the women here like socks as well, since they may consider western women not good enough, until they go home to their countries.

I know that sounds all crazy and bitter, but when guys from religious countries, or profess conservatism, culture and religion, and then look down on other people not like them, and see them as dispensable for "fun" in another country is not worthy of respect either, in my eyes. I have read and found that they do not have good and positive or respectful attitudes towards women, especially western women.

I like to think I am at least somewhat "woke" but it only goes so far, in turn, I expect my foreign guy or different guy to respect and take an interest in my culture as well.

 

Thick accent isn’t the problem except you don’t want that additional dimension of cultural differences in a relationship. There are other African countries with men not opposed to marrying out, depending on the individual of course.

 

Yes, I see that some countries have a more cosmopolitan view and are more open to other people. It is just unfortunate I wound up with a huge crush on a totally unavailable incompatible guy who came from a more rigid closed culture. It is like catching a bad cold, and then developing bronchitis from it and it taking a while to get rid of. I hope and I think I will get over this in time, but it might take a little longer, was the worst for me.

 

Yes, well, if he realized, and then withdrew that was one ting, but then he should not have told me he would talk to me later, if he has no real intention of doing so, which is what he said in our last exchange months ago. This is part of what I have been frustrated about the whole time, culture is one thing, but leading someone on is another, and doing and saying different things to me is not right, I do not care what "culture" you are from, be straight with me, do not waste my time.

He has been inconsistent with me, and it is hard to convey here because you were not there in our few interactions back at college, there were a couple of times, he appeared flirty, smiling, and leaning into me, it was subtle body langue, and then other times, he would smile at me, then sort of turn and rush away. This is what lead me to think he might have liked me back sometimes.

And some mentioned here that he may have known the Ethiopian women, or was knowing he would marry a women from his culture, or already committed, but early on, his Facebook showed him as single, so this led me as well.

I am fine with a guy not into me, but I would appreciate consistant signals, both offline and online. And ok, he may have not seen it that way, but communication is important, and I think it is crucial to get things out in the open early on, to prevent misunderstandings, culture aside.

I am sorry, but I am not totally convinced it was just innocent culture, I think he knew I liked him a while back, I have sent some mild flirty messages to him, when his Facebook showed him as single, and he replied back, with endearing terms. Like it was mentioned, he has been in the US military, so he should have had some idea of dating in the US, and he has even used common US slang or terms, in his spoken words and in writing, and is familiar with some American TV shows and books, and music, so he has some familiarity.

I also learned or someone had told me he comes from a wealthy family who lives in the states, but are originally from Ethiopia, his parents are doctors.

He is a good looking guy, and has had female attention before, even on his Facebook page, women have flirted and liked him, so I do not think it is like he cannot tell between a women liking him, and simple friendship.

 

Whoa, I know that is alot fellow forum members, if you got through all that. That might have sounded crazy, but I needed to get this off my chest, and vent a bit, and since there are members here who have more experience with African men , I thought might be able to help me reason this through.

I think the pandemic fatigue has really begun to settled into me. Thanks for the inputs, it helps me have a perspective to know it is probably not me personally, or anything to do with me not being good enough, but a cultural divide between us, and chances are he may have blown off other non Ethiopian women as well.

 

]

 

Wow sounds good

 

What sounds good? The whole thread you mean?

 

I haven't read anyone else's reply to this, so someone may have answered you already.

But in this climate, it'll be safer if you find out if a black man is open to dating white women before you attempt to pursue
them, its the same vice versa black men to white women. Most people only date within their race.

Some people might want to push the idea that attraction is colour-blind, that's great to hope for, but in reality most people aren't willing to cross that line even if they are attracted to you.

There's attraction and there's preference, most black men, like the guy in your story, may want to dabble with a variety of women, but settle down with their own (based on personal, family or social reasons). African men, like myself, are expected to think about all this and so it's big in different cultures, so I'd recommend figuring them out first before you take a chance.

I'd say when I was doing my undergrad, I wasn't interested in white women for cultural reasons, but several White girls showed interest that I entertained but I never wanted it to go further, now I regret not taking them seriously.
It's the climate, the culture clash and the way society judges BM/WW that put a lot of pressure on me as a young man.

Taking away from your particular account of an Ethiopian man and focusing on your last question "...should a situation like this present itself to me again, of where I see a black guy I like or am interested in"

If you are into a Black guy, befriend him, get to know him, his preferences and don't be afraid to have this conversation with him, it definitely opens up an opportunity when a girl shows interest and is aware of these social pressures. It also proves you're not oblivious to stigmas or that dynamic in IRs, that you're prepared to approach a BM, self aware and resilient with how society judges BM with WW.

 

Omo Yoruba

 

You neva tell me say you be Naija guy.
Abi you keep am secret well well.

 

Yeahhh..I just got from the start to finish of most of your dialogue in this thread....lol and all I have to say is... you're too focused on this guy and assumed too much, he might not have been into you at all, I don't think you knew enough about him to assume so much about his mindset or particular culture, he may have been Muslim or christian.; Conservative or liberal; westernized or not.

African men aren't 2-dimensional and I wouldn't recommend asking Caucasian women on how 'African' men think.
I'd say find out about the man's specific culture and his intentions in general before you rely on these assumptions, its unnecessary stress to put on yourself and it can be seen as ridiculous to the African man in question, if that's your type.

 

“African man” is about as nonsensical as “European woman”. Means nothing really.

 

Hahaa How Far now? Which culture you de marry into?

no I de make it known on here, but weytin concern Yankees? Lool they don't care, so I de blend in.

Yes it's true, that's why it made a lil sense after she said he was Ethiopian, but still a huge diversity within the country, we still can't assume his culture influenced his approach, many Ethiopians date interracially and are very westernized.

 

How you dey? They no know sha. Na only Yankee things dem talk. My husband na Igbo man, how for you? Now I know who I go dey find talk to if say I get any kind Naija-specific problem to discuss on here;-).
So how did your people react when you decided to open up to interracial dating?