My Brother's Fiancee

I feel your pain. It sounds a lot like the situation with my little brother and his crazy wife.

What sucks most about it is there's nothing anyone can do about it, even if/when it affects the relationship with him. All you can really do is love and support him as much as you can, even if it has to be from a distance. If you're a praying man, that can help, too.

It's hard watching someone we love choose something that only seems to hurt them. There's nothing positive or healthy about a codependent relationship, but the only one who can rescue someone in that situation is the person in it. And, maybe on some level, there is something he gets from her that makes him feel like all of the other crap is worth it, or makes him choose to ignore it. The denial can be strong, especially when love is involved, which can make it hard for someone to let go of something that isn't good for them. Even when it's messed up, what it is may work for them somehow.

Your future SIL sounds like an angry, unhappy, insecure, controlling, abusive mess, and it seems your brother is willing to tolerate it. Trying to bring up to your brother again how you feel about the situation or trying to discuss his situation probably won't help. He'll defend her no matter what, and there's no convincing him otherwise. At least he has an idea of where your thoughts are on the situation since you tried to ask about it, so at least you were able to put it out there for him. Hopefully a time will come when he wants to talk about it or needs your support or help, and he'll know you're there for him.

My SIL has full control of my brother now, and it's downright sad (and kinda scary). In the beginning she seemed to be good for him, but it wasn't long before her true self showed up. She's extremely jealous of my brother's ex-wife and his three daughters (and everyone else), and over time has done everything she could to undermine his relationship with his kids. She'd do her damndest to make their visits miserable (if she even allowed them to happen), and she gave him hell over anything he tried to do with or for his girls. She got so upset with him once over a Skype video chat he was having with them, she hit him in the head with a hammer—right in front of them! Of course, the kids and the rest of us were upset about it, yet my brother got pissed at us for being mad at her for hitting him—craziness! She eventually convinced him to sign away his rights to his kids, so their step-dad (at the time) could be their legal guardian, and he tells himself that he thought it would be best for the kids. I don't think he's willing to admit he did it to get his wife off his ass about them. He didn't completely cut off contact with them, but it's still fucked up in my opinion.

There also came a time when she decided my brother having his own facebook account was out of the question. Now they share one. She posts all the time about "their" kids, yet the only kids posted on there are hers. It's like his kids don't even exist. It's bizarre to me. They also do everything together—he can't go anywhere without her, and what she says goes. She also screens and listens in to all of his calls. I sent him a birthday text a couple of years ago, and she called back to make sure it was really me like the phone said it was. That hag is crazy.

As annoying as it can be, it's important to be as civil as possible (there can be exceptions of course, lol), and I've found the best way to do that is limit contact. Whether it's holidays or whatever kind of visit or interaction, I try to keep it short and rare. lol Things have gotten worse the last couple of years, because they decided they're religious now and have gone off the deep end. Shoving it down everyone's throats and telling everyone they're going to hell—makes it a lot easier to avoid them. lol

I think on some level my brother is still in there somewhere, but I don't know if he'll ever be himself again. I miss him.

I don't know if my rambling helps anything, but I at least hope it helps to know that you're not alone in what you're feeling. I worry about my brother (and his kids) all the time, but all I can do is love and pray for him and hope for the best. I hope the same for your brother and you/your family.

 

Yep, it's definitely not an easy adjustment. *hugs*

It may sound mean, but hopefully they don't get pregnant. Even though it's a fairly common situation, bringing a child into such a messed up dynamic is scary. No doubt she will be making all the decisions regarding a child since she's doing that already without one.

My brother & SIL have 8 kids between them, but she desperately wants them to have a baby of their own. They saved up money hoping to reverse a tubal she had after her youngest was born, but that didn't work out either. Unfortunately her youngest daughter became a teen mother, and my SIL has basically taken the baby from her and made her daughter look bad enough to lose custody. According to my SIL it was all "God's will" so they could have their own baby. smh Neither of them are fit for parenthood IMO.

People like that are always going to push boundaries. They're mad at the world, and they're not shy about showing their asses. People like that somehow see rudeness as a show of strength—it's some kind of warped defensiveness where they're gonna get others before they get them. It's also a territorial way to run folks off since she wants your brother all to herself. She wants his world to revolve around her, so she's going to do her best to make people keep their distance.

I understand avoiding her most of the time, but don't give in too much since that's what she wants. Since your brother really wants to see you at Thanksgiving, I'd seriously consider it, even if it's just for the last minute bit before they leave. You can be civil enough to give her a hello, but other than that act as though she doesn't even exist. Focus on your brother, even if it's just enough time with him to say hello/goodbye/love you and give him a hug. I'd try to get that time with him when the opportunity presents itself. If not, it could backfire on you, especially under her influence. She'd twist that into you not caring enough about him to come see him. She'll use whatever chance she gets to alienate him from his family and friends.

I've gotten into it several times over the years with my bitchass SIL. Sometimes it needed to happen, but it did help when I quit taking the bait she was throwing out there. The more she brought out that negative response in us, the more my brother has pulled away from the family. Most of the time she plays the "good person" role and goes the passive-aggressive route, but other times she loses her cool and shows her ass. It wasn't that long ago my son checked her for her bullshit, so she decided to punish us all with the silent treatment. lol I ran into her after that at the grocery store (one of those rare moments she was alone), and even though she was trying to pretend she didn't see me, I went out of my way to speak to her just because I knew it would annoy her. lol

As time goes on, you'll be able to get a better idea of what to expect and how you can work around it. The hardest part will be if he decides to pull away from the family altogether to make her "happy" (not that anything really will). Hopefully he'll find the strength not to completely lose himself.

 

Agreed. It's insane to me.

I've always said what my brother needed (way before this bitch was in the picture) was intense therapy. He has been through some awful stuff that he needed to learn how to deal with, and I think it has a lot to do with being drawn to those types of "women". It's also why he had a history with drugs as a means of dealing with his pain and losses.

It's like broken people are drawn to that codependent kind of "love" that only makes everything worse. I also think on some level my brother thinks he doesn't deserve any better, and in some twisted way he bought into the idea that his kids would be better off without him. The sad thing is he's been the kind of dad he never wanted to be, but he punked out. He caved in to the pressure his insecurities and my SIL put on him, and abandoned his kids—at least that's the way I view it and have no doubt that's how his kids feel too.

Her level of insecurity is off the charts. The possessive and controlling behavior, the jealousy, the need to keep him under her almost constant watch; it's crazy to me. I didn't like her from the get-go. I thought she was trashy, looking like a used up stripper from a low end club, and the swastika tattoo on her fake boob on display with the skimpy bikini top she was wearing didn't exactly make the best first impression. In some ways she's even worse now that they've decided to be so "religious". I thought his first wife was bad, but this one is a real piece of work.

There are men who affect women the same way; gender really doesn't have anything to do with it.

It's a shame that so many people don't understand the concepts of love and honor or being loving, understanding, and nurturing. So many have a warped view of what love really is, so they rarely get to truly experience it. It can be a never-ending cycle with some people. It's sad.

Well said. Sad, but oh so true.