why would a women do this?

a few weeks ago i drove back to my apt and cops were all over the place. my friend was outside and he told me he called the cops.

our nieghbor (fine ass hell) took a beat down from her live-in boyfriend.

he told me she was getting whooped up for a while and he said he got tired of seeing it.

well guess what? a week later my friend told me that dude is back in with the chick.

so why would a woman stay in an abusive relationship of any form?

another question....do guys get abused? why dont they report it?

 

Go read about the cycle of abuse. It's very common for people to take their abusers back, to take the blame for them, and to defend them. Even if they do report it, they will often bail them out. But often, they won't report. I think most communities don't require the abused to sign the complaint now and police have the ability to take them in without the abused consenting.

Of course there are women who are abusing men. Men don't report it because it's not taken seriously, they are embarrassed, ridiculed, etc.

 

me and my boy was talking this. i told him that i be damned if my daughter get on like that. i would beat the dudes ass and get him arrested. but if she take him back then im spanking her like a 10 year old stealing cookies.

i get what u are saying tho.
i kind of believe l along with what u are saying that they are afraid of being alone

 

Usually, mental and emotional abuse stared before physical abuse and the victim are often worn down that way with feeling it's their fault, are with nothing and often the abuser has isolated their victim from friends and family. Also, the stigma that comes with this makes victims feeling they can't talk about it.

It's an extremely complicated issue, lots on internet diving into the relationship between abuser and the abused

 

yeah the mental abuse is a serious tool on anyone.

u really have to be aware of whats going on

 

I had a dear friend who was told repeatedly by her husband that she was worthless & ugly among other hateful things. He restricted her access to friends, their car and money. On the other hand my grandmother, who got married at 16 (in 1949) was told by her deeply religious family that divorce was a sin. She had 8 children from 1950-1962, no education beyond 8th grade, no job skills & no drivers license.

I say all of this to make the point that everyone else seems to be sharing...when someone is being abused (man, woman or child) they are often brain-washed, in so many ways, to believe that they are helpless & that they can't change their life.

I feel sad to hear about your neighbor & I hope she's able to get help before it's too late.

 

It's way beyond being afraid of being alone. As FG said, there is usually mental and emotional abuse that goes on long before the physical. It's a very complicated issue. It's also typical for those being abused to have been abused early on in life or saw their mom being abused. It's familiar, it's what they know. Even if they hate it, they don't know how to do differently. There are usually very big highs and lows in these relationships. Haven't you heard abuse victims say "but I LOVE him"? I think what people don't realize is that there are usually extreme highs in these relationships and I really think there is an addiction/obsession component. The abused feel they can't survive without their abuser, that they can't do anything on their own, no one will want them, and all sorts of other things. They are broken. Here's the other thing.....the biggest risk for the abused occurs at the time of separation.

 

I can expand on this a lot, but I currently lack the time. Just want to throw in that a lot of these situations arise because abusers know the particular types that they can consistently abuse and seek those individuals out. It's very systematic. Abusers have their issues and abuse victims have theirs that keep them in the relationship. It's a dark twisted cycle.

 

this is a great thread.

Honestly, abusive relationships are so many shades of grey and it's definitely hard to acknowledge the different levels of abuse from the inside of an unhealthy relationship. When you are on the outside looking in, you can label all of the things you see that don't seem quite right.

If you know of someone and are friends with someone in an unhealthy relationship, you can try to intervene to help but most of the time, it takes that person time to get sick of being sick and tired. Sometimes professional help can save a person, and even sometimes a relationship...but nobody can help anyone that doesn't want help.

Unfortunately, all relationships aren't destined to be healthy. It takes a strong person to see things for what they are and they have to love themselves enough to help themselves.

 

let me ask u ladies this.....i have a little girl. she us 12. how would u raise to not to take abuse. bow so far she is very confident of herself.....believe that omg.
sometimes i believe women feel alienated and no where to turn. should i constantly tell her if u ever her to call ur daddy if anything goes down ?

im not gonna get into relationships now cause shes too young for that.

 

People usually do what they have learned in life. The best way to prevent your children from growing up to be abused (or to abuse) is to make sure they are growing up in a non-abusive/healthy environment. Most who abuse or are abused, grew up with it. It's "normal" and basically expected. But remember, there are many types of abuse and it almost always starts with verbal, mental, emotional and those types are often really hidden and are pretty rampant. Someone else posted a really good list of things to watch for.

I also think one of the biggest things that prevent abuse is a strong sense of self and a strong support system. Remember, abusers will typically isolate victims and do whatever they can to make them feel insecure and dependent on them.

You want to strongly reinforce your children's ability to trust themselves, to honor their feelings. I think this is a HUGE part of it all. Think about how often children are told to go hug this or that person when they don't want to. Or when they say they don't like someone or such it's dismissed. That teaches them that how they feel doesn't matter and they stop trusting their own feelings and instincts. They start to 2nd guess how they feel and tell themselves they are wrong, because that's what they have learned from their parents and other authority figures. Later that becomes them talking themselves into that they are crazy, that the things they find to be hurtful really aren't, or they make excuses for the abusers.

And it's not just girls. I have 2 girls and 2 boys. I was raised in a very abusive environment and vowed to never repeat it (as most do) I had to do a lot of work to learn to think differently. I was committed to breaking the cycle and I did. My children were not raised with abuse. One of my adult children was dating a girl who's family was rather dysfunctional....in a more hidden/subtle way. He ended up breaking up with her because she wasn't going to do what it took and he wasn't willing to put up with the crazy behaviors.

 

if see crazy coming...cross the street.

its surely important to have good adults around a child so they know ehats acceptable.

i went to pick up my daughter and i was opening the car door for her and she looked at me side eye and said i got it dad.

her mom yelled "get in. your daddy is holding the door for u. thats what a man suppose to do. lol"

 

Good point, I was also raised in an extremely violent home where my step dad physically, mentally and emotionally abused both my mother and me so I know that type of relationship very well. My mother never left him, not because she was weak, but because of shame and pride. No one outside the family knew and she didn't want anyone to find out, which they would have if she left, so she rather stay than face the humiliation etc. My mother is a very strong woman, and always have been, she just thought she could handle it. To her defense, she didn't know how badly I was abused because that often happened she as not at home, and I never told her until much later.

Abuse at home becomes this huge secret and abused spouses and kids often learn to lie through their teeth to avoid the humiliation of letting out the secret.
The abuse itself is actually less traumatic than the waiting in between, just knowing it will happen any minute and the abused often suffer from PTSD which often alter your reasoning.

If you are brought up in a violent home, you may not have a real good idea of what love should look like and may repeat the cycle. I sought out men like my stepdad initially but got over it at about 18 when I had an epiphany of sorts, I simply didn't have any tools initially to handle non abusive men, its hard to explain and I suffered from commitment phobia for most of my life because of my upbringing. I got over that a long time ago, but it took a lot of soulsearching and self awareness work.

You can never discuss enough with your children what love is and what it isn't and give your kids a strong sense of self and confidence.

 

im glad u were able to see things differently. its hard to see a woman or man to be abused , when in my mind i know they could do better.

 

But that's blaming the victim and shows a major lack of understanding. This is exactly why people end up stuck in their situations. They need help to do better. You'd be surprised at how many people (women and men) you may see and think are very strong, have it together, successful, etc and are in abusive relationships. Most of them out there are not like the situation you initially described. Most are very well hidden and no one ever knows.

 

So sorry you had to go through that! PTSD - yep I had it pretty bad at one point.

There are all sorts of reasons why people stay. Some simply because they feel they made a commitment for better or worse and you stay no matter what.

I'll tell you FG - I really understand what you are saying about when you were younger and the guys you would pick etc. I did the same and then did a LOT of work to do differently. I was then married to someone for many many years and when I became single again I realized that I sortof had to remind myself of many things because I hadn't had the abuse around me in so long. I didn't expect predators and all the stuff that was around when I was younger. I basically had to relearn how to spot it and keep it away from me. It's like I had my guard down and had to put it back up ....if that makes sense.

 

I had it too, but honestly, it's so long ago that it almost feels like it happened to someone else.
Besides, in a way, it has shaped me to whom I am, and I am extremely strong, nothing brakes me and it is for those experience so the passed has to be embraced, no matter how bad it was.

 

how am i blaming the victim? i missed something.