What Kind Of Drunk Are You?

Happy Drunk-The happy drunk can be identified by his ridiculously good mood. They’ll laugh at everything, dance whenever they get the chance, speak in hyperbolic superlatives and generally act like they are having the greatest night of their life.

Common Side Effects: Nudity, refusal to go home.

Sloppy Drunk-The sloppy drunk will slur every other word as they degenerate into a disgusting combination of sweat, spilled alcohol and vomit. They’ll fall all over the place like he contracted a sudden case of vertigo, and you’ll end up having to carry them around all night like they were wounded in ‘Nam.

Common Side Effects: Vomit, bodily injury (both his and yours), fights after they piss off everyone.

Sentimental Drunk-The sentimental drunk will spend all night telling everyone how much they love them, reminiscing about old times both real and imagined, and crying because you don’t hang out enough anymore like in the old days.

Common Side Effects: Nine hour long stories that don’t have a point, dehydration from crying.

Maudlin Drunk-Different from the sentimental drunk in that the maudlin drunk turns introspective and spends all night apologizing for various misdeeds and shortcomings both real and imagined. Where the sentimental drunk tries to focus on hyper-idealized good times, the maudlin drunk will declare everything hopeless and openly wonder why any of you are even friends with them. You’ll find yourself in agreement.

Common Side Effects: Nights out doubling as endless therapy sessions, extreme depression, fights after you get sick of telling them everything is fine and just finally unload on them.

Infantile Drunk-The infantile drunk pulls a Benjamin Button as the night wears on, and with each drink they get progressively more child-like until finally they are talking in a baby voice. A phenomenon weirdly often found in big, fat grizzly bear types.

Common Side Effects: Extremely annoying, property damage as they start thrashing around like an out-of-control toddler, a ruined reputation after they scare everyone away from the party by pissing themselves and then asking people to “change them".

Violent/Angry Drunk-The violent drunk spends all night positive that people are talking shit about them, and at some point they will get in a fight over something dumb, like some dude looking at them funny or another dude taking too many peanuts.

Common Side Effects: Fighting, fighting and more fighting, a very real chance of injury, including you when you get sucker-punched trying to break things up yet again, arrest.

Touch-Feely Drunk-The touchy-feely drunk acts more like someone who just did a bunch of ecstasy, and they’ll be a little, uh, handsy with everyone. They’ll hug you 700 times throughout the night, and will end up making you uneasy as they straddle the line between “friendly” and “hey, I think you might be a sex offender.”

Common Side Effects: Discomfort as they invade everyone’s personal space, fights after “misunderstandings”, lawsuits.

Naked Drunk-The naked drunk will use a single drop of alcohol as an excuse to get in touch with their inner exhibitionist. They may spend some of the night shirtless, and at one point they will “misplace” their pants.

Common Side Effects: Laughter as everyone thinks it’s cute at first, then nervous embarrassment once everyone realizes they're just going to keep going, followed by intense discomfort as they walks around with their goodies hanging out, fights after “misunderstandings”, arrest.

Broken Drunk-The broken drunks just sits by themselves, drowning their feelings in a tidal wave of sweet, soul-deadening alcohol. They drink because the sober alternative is just too terrifying to face. They won’t say anything to anyone until they finally piss themselves and then break down crying because they're sorry for everything. An evolved version of the maudlin drunk.

Common Side Effects: No friends, a black hole of depression and sadness which sucks in everybody who gets too close, a ruined life.

Manic Drunk-The manic drunk somehow manages to go be every other kind of drunk all in one night.

Common Side Effects: Everything already discussed, except again, all in one night.

Professional Drunk-The professional drunk is different because they have no symptoms. That’s the point. They have made maintaining an art form. In other words, they're alcoholics.

Common Side Effects: Nothing that you’ll see. You’ll just make the mistake of letting them drive you without knowing that they've downed a fifth of vodka already.

 

I'm a happy/goofy drunk.

 

Yes to the first comment. No to the second one.

Now stop stalling and get to sharing what Daddy Ra is like when he's drunk or tipsy.

 

Hahaha I bet she does. Happy drunks tend to be fun to remember.