Sensitive subject: Rape, incest, and sexual abuse

If someone confided in you that they were being sexually abused but asked for your confidentiality because it could potentially break up the family, send them to a foster care home where even worse abuse may occur, have them struggle financly, prevent them from graduating, fuck up a prospective job etc would you tell anyway?

Because of my job, I deal with a lot of young adults who are looking for a way out for an better life. Some of these people look up to me growing an attachment and sometimes reveal their deep dark secrets to out of comfortability. More and more I hear about sexual abuse and it pains me immensely because I feel like a bitch sitting on the sidelines doing nothing but listening... I want to do so much more to help.... but I keep in mind that I'm not walking in these victims shoes and if I do tell, i can go on about my merry day feeling good about myself for telling while the victim has to deal with the adverse affects.

Has anyone here or anyone know anyone who confronted they abuser? Did it make them feel better or bring closure?

 

wow. that s definetly not an easy one. but speaking for myself, i would ask the abused person if they need help (coz in 9 out of 10 cases if someone tells, they are indirectly asking for it). what can be done without raising more drama is connecting them to instutions that deal with sexual abuse. many are anonymous and more experienced in handling those problems then others.
sitting back and doing absolutly nothing? i couldnt.
i hear you on the part that a change of situation could bring other problems. but honestly, i dont think that anything can be much worser then the abuse itself. IMO

 

I couldn't tell on my ex, I've never reported him.

It happened in the Spring semester, but in the Fall semester before that, he kicked 4-5 guys off the team, for rapes that happened during homecoming parties. (I think I remember telling you about that... that when you were there, there was rumors that the planning committee were going all out because it could be the last homecoming bash allowed.)

He already had me making excuses for all his actions I didn't like. No matter what he did that I didn't like, or made me feel bad, I'd mentally come up with an excuse for him. So when he tried to rape me, for the first while I explained it off. "Oh, but that night I was trying to get him to play anyways. He was watching a movie, so of course he wanted to wait until after that... even if I was asleep then".

And besides, after kicking those guys off the team, I felt there would just be too much drama if I reported him and he lost his internship with the team, could lead to a lot of tension with the football team. I didn't want to create that, especially when there was less than a month left to school, and he was graduating.

Then I had to go to North Carolina with him for 2 weeks, even though at that point i already knew I wanted to break up with him. If I didn't wait, I would've had no place to stay for the 2 weeks until I was able to fly home! (No money to change the flight schedule).

Once I flew home, I waited to find the "right" time, that we were talking online and he wasn't at risk of losing signal or missing messages, and ended it.

It took about 6 months for me to even tell my best friend. Now talking about it doesn't bother me.

If I was still in that relationship though and confided in someone, I'd be hurt if they told someone else what was happening. Situations vary, but typically it isn't "just" rape or sexual abuse. By the time it gets to that point, there's typically other forms of abuse in the mix, and THAT is what could put someone at risk if you tell.
If someone's also physically abused, and you (or someone) tells on them, it could make the abuser lash out at their victim even worse.
If they're being emotionally abused, the abuser's likely going to find some way to make the victim blame him or herself for the rape/ sexual abuse.
So on...


My roommate has been through the "same" type of relationship as I was in when we were roommates. When we talked in general, she's the one who gently pointed out there was a cycle in the relationship I had with my ex at the time. That if I was using the word cycle or seeing a pattern like that, the relationship wasn't healthy. It took awhile for it to sink in for me, we talked in August, I didn't break up with the ex till the following July after rape was the last straw.

So maybe you could point some things out to the people that confide in you. Instead of telling on them... plant that seed that they need to get out, they need to leave. Even if they feel that way, sometimes someone else seeing the 'same' thing they are helps.

But if they're underage, since you mentioned some worrying about foster care... it's a teacher's or a social worker's responsibility to report that kind of thing if someone underage mentions that kind of stuff... and I'd hold by the same rule.
If someone's hurting them, and they can't legally move out on their own, I'd report it. Because no matter what happens, at least they'd have a shot at getting away from that stuff. If they still wanted to see some family members, they should be allowed to do that, but while living elsewhere.

I could get myself out of that situation, after I finally got myself out of the hole I helped to dig.... someone underage can't just walk away like that.

 

It boils down to that ^^^ North. I'm not sure what you do for a living but if you mentor, coach or counsel young people you know what you're responsible to do. If we're talking about children, you've GOT to speak up. If you're speaking of adults, I'd do as Gemini mentioned and refer them to support groups that can help wean them from the abusive situation.

I'm sorry you've got all this weighing on your conscience right now, hope you're able to figure this out and do the right thing.

 

some people with this information would be required by law to report it or be held accountable if they don't...

a huge responsibility has been bestowed upon you even if you didn't ask for it

child protective services for the most part is anonymous if you need to report an incident (s)...

people don't generally share these types of things unless they need help

 

Agreed.

Adults are a different matter, because they're adults and you can only offer support and guidance if they ask for it.

But if children are experiencing this, you have an obligation to report it, IMO.

 

This 1000%.

 

^^^^^^^^^^

 

For the people who said report it, are you thinking about the child or are you making this decision out of the selfishness of your own emotions?

Like I said, its really easy to do the right thing by reporting it because you don't have to walk a day in they shoes dealing with the outcome...

For example a woman said she was molested by a family member one night as a child, cps was notified and she was immediately torn away from her family she known and loved to be sent with another family member in the middle of no where far away from family where she was manipulated, taken advantaged of, and turned into a sex slave from her pre teen years to her early adult years. She said she was robbed of her childhood with her family and rather stayed home in the other situation.

Could you really live with yourself knowing that you did that to someone? Stories like these seem very common from what I read on the subject.

 

After reading this I recall a day I had a conversation with a classmate that went on for a few hours after we had wrapped up graduation practice. She happened to be a white girl and we had known each other for years. We were(and still are)friends. So, we had this deep discussion about what we went through in school , life, and the future after we graduated. I learned that she was one of the few girls in high school who really understood me and my struggles. So, the question of whether or not she would've gone out with me was brought up. She said that she was engaged to be married soon. She said that if she wasn't engaged, she kiss me. We segued into the subject of sex and she told me something that surprised me. She knew more about sex in terms of experience than I did. Her first sexual encounter was the time she got raped and thankfully didn't get pregnant. I asked if she reported it. But she didn't. She didn't even tell her own family. But she told me. She had survived her ordeal and she had moved on the best way that she could. After listening to her, I was saddened, but I understood that she didn't want any trouble or scandal to follow her around. On that day, we became close friends. I saw her a couple of years later and she had gotten married. Married life seemed to have agreed with her and she was happy. I hadn't seen her again since that meeting. I think that because you listen to these horror stories, you feel like you are suffering with them. You care about them and I know you want to help, but do not know how to take action without harm to yourself. But that is the risk you must consider. There is nothing wrong about caring for those who suffer. At this point in time, I think the only action you should take is to listen and pay close attention. Whether these individuals are either suffering from some trauma that is a clear and present danger in their lives, or they have a case of Munchausen's Syndrome, it should be mentally noted because one never knows what will happen. When I was a CO, I had to listen to inmates talk about their problems everyday. I cannot ignore them because they might, in their own way be expressing serious issues that cannot be ignored. I suggest sharing these with a supervisor or boss, but it must be done in confidence. This person may take the burden off your and you can still maintain the trust. I am sure they will understand your intentions.

 

My boss been doing this job for 20 years, she done seen and heard it all. I was forewarned of things of this nature when I started the job before I started. Our job isn't to care for others, its to keep that money train moving.

I think your absolutely right about strictly listening, all because they want help doesn't necessarily mean they want your help. Some people just need to vent. I learned that because one person brought the reality of situations like this to my face. I promised not to tell and listened to their horror story, I was so fucking disgusted and furious I told them I lied and I have to tell.

They said I've been thru this before and I refuse to go thru it again, you don't have to deal with strange people asking you a million invasive questions, you don't have to deal with a stranger touching your privates to gather evidence, you don't have to deal with the shitty therapy sessions that do nothing, you don't have deal with everyone treating you differently, you are only being selfish and purely thinking about yourself to feel better about it and you get to go back to your perfect life. I'll become a mere after thought to you.

Shit hit me like a ton of bricks, I felt so awful and heartbroken. They assured me tho that listening helps tremendously and is a major help itself. It sucks majorly but I got to listen to their wishes and do what I can to make life a little easier for them. If it was family of course I would bring such sick, disgusting, wickedness to light.

 

I'm sorry that things are that way for you on your job. Have you considered looking for another job or position? It sounds like it is wearing down on you. Listening is important. But so is your sanity. Listen to that, as well.

 

^^ This!!! Trust, if they confide they are asking for help but are doing it indirectly