Honest opinions on a bit of a dilemma?

I had not been through this situation, but I will tell you a story of a woman I knew who had.

There was this young girl. She was 19 at the time. She was dating a man in his early 40's and he was a dentist. He was a member of Club Med and so, they went on many trips together. When they didn't go to Club Med, they went to other places. He was going through a divorce. She and I spoke about him. She told me that he complains that he moves too fast for him. I suggested that she slow down and let him catch up to her or not move at all. She then told me of his divorce, I explained that the best thing that she could do is to be there for him. The tricky part about divorce is that before that point was reached, there was some history there. And divorce leaves many unanswered questions such as was it his/her fault it didn't work out or mine? And why?

This man still lives with his wife. It says that he is, in some way dependent of her because of the issue of housing. And if he is reluctant to get a divorce, it is, in my opinion, an issue of security and finances. And a child is another consideration. Where children are involved, one must tread very carefully. Children want to see both parents together and don't want to see that unit broken up because they are a family. It would damage the child's psyche. I grew up in a broken home and it affected me a lot. Anyone who comes into that parent's life as someone other than their spouse is an intruder. And considered an enemy because that person broke up their family.


Here are the following options:

1. Meet the wife in person. Do not meet the child.

2. Have a long and serious discussion about the state of your relationship.

3. If he is worried about the issue of divorce, discuss your experience with him.

4. Let it be known how you feel about him and ask him how he feels about you in his present situation(see option 2).

5. If all options have been explored and doubts still linger, get out of the relationship amicably.

 

All very sound advice, Mr. Gorath ;-)

 

We solitary men have our moments.

 

Thanks a lot for all of that, I really did want at least one male viewpoint, so its appreciated
I have to say that yes, sometimes it is not good for a child when their parents divorce, but sometimes it is the only option for the sake of the child. In my own recent situation, my kids were the main reason I had to get rid of him. He was hurting all of us (not physically) and our relationship with each other was very damaging to them as much as to me.
Everyone is happier and calmer now, and yes, kids always wish their parents could be together, but I would much rather they have that feeling, than seeing at least one of their parents go through hell together every single day.

But back to this with my fella, I really just need to talk to him and let him know that yes, I am here for him, but not just forever. I am meant to be his girlfriend, not just someone to distract him from all of that, and to pick up his pieces. Not saying that thats what I am, but I need to know that I am his priority, certainly not his ex.
Thank you, I will take what you say on board
I can't talk to her because of the reasons I have already mentioned, and I have no desire to, but I also don't want to feel as if I am the ''other woman'' on any level, that is not what I signed up for! x

 

You are "the other woman" if he is still living with his wife, unfortunately. But you must make it known that you want to be with him. I strongly advise that you not to give him an ultimatum or pressure of any kind. I am sure he would come to a decision. But he has to be aware of you, his family and the "Big Picture." This is more his problem than it is yours.

 

Yes thank you. I think because he told me of the home situation right from the beginning, that I can't now begin having a problem with it. I mean, I don't really (well of course I do, but right from the onset I said I would wait for him, but I didn't expect that to mean forever!).
But I will talk to him about the marriage thing, which is the part of it that is really getting to me.
I have no intention of ''having a go'' or adding any extra pressure, because I know how it all effects him living with her still. But I need to know that there will one day be a cut off point. I have no intention of living my whole life in this situation.
Again, thanks for all your input, it has helped xx

 

One man's opinion: I would bet that he is still sleeping with her and that he regards you as frankly, "weekend pussy". This was my assessment when you first posted about the nature of your relationship. This new information reinforces my thinking. If you are ok with that status, drive on.

 

I appreciate your opinion, but I really don't think that that is what it is. Of course, I see where you get that from, but if so, then he is the best liar in the world, and I spent ten years with a compulsive liar, and I would hate to think I was still so easily fooled.

 

Good luck, I hope you resolve things to your satisfaction.

 

Thanks, I hope so too x

 

Be sure that the conversation is frank and honest. Have both of your cards on the table and respectfully hold nothing back. This is for your benefit. I think it may take a while longer than you realize. In any event prepare and protect yourself.

 

Again, thank you
I have started it this morning, trying to keep it quite chilled, just letting him know that it really bothers me, and that we need to talk about it.
He knows it needs talking about, he just sort of said we don't need to worry about it right now. I think he's trying to sweep it under the carpet, but yes, its very important, and I won't just let it get forgotten. If he doesn't come back to it in the next week or so, I will bring it up again.
I mean, its Xmas, I don't want to be like a dog with a bone right now, but I also don't want him thinking its less important than it is.

 

^^this!

if someone is causing this much thinking, they are not worth it.... unless its a fwb situation no feelings attached but who am i kidding? most women cant handle a fwb situation without feelings getting attached.

 

I am not a 'fwb' kind of person lol. Yes I have feelings, and whats wrong with that? We have feelings for each other. If I wanted just sex, I could get it. Lol get me haha
I also believe than anything worth having, is worth working for.
And why does it sound like you are judging silly old women who actually want more from a man than a quick booty call, and some emotionless sex? God, I would rather die than be that shallow!
Yes, some people do just want that for whatever reason, and that is perfectly fine and reasonable for them, I am not judging at all, but that doesn't usually last very long, and I am in my forties and am past all of that. I need more at this stage of my life, and I won't accept less than I want out of life.

Anyway, I've spoken to him, and we actually nearly broke up about it, because he really just wasn't listening to me at all. He got mad and hung up on me, so I sent him this long text saying everything I feel and why I have reacted this way, blah blah blah.
He phoned me when he'd calmed down and told me that he never said he would be married to her forever, he just said that with everything else going on right now, it wasn't high on his list. I need to chill out a bit and just let him deal with all of that crap when he was ready.
Ok I can accept that for now. I do tend to jump right in, hell for leather when something pisses me off.
But thinking about it rationally (which isn't like me at all haha), he said things that I took to the absolute extreme, and I said things that he took to the extreme.
I got myself all riled up about it and needed it resolved RIGHT NOW. I told him though, that I never asked him to do anything, I just asked him to understand how it made me feel, and he says that ok fair enough, yes he does.

So we are back on, and I will take a step back from all of that. I know he really is going through a lot of crap right now, he is so miserable about it all so much, and the last thing he needs is more pressure from me.
Of course my feelings matter as much as his do, but I also know how I must come across sometimes.

 

Use your time wisely. Good luck.:freehug::freehug:

 

once again, thank you for all your help 8) xxx

 

I will try to be brief... Opinions are like a**holes - everyone has one and those opinions may be way off the mark...but given everything you've stated, love or no love, child or no child, yours sounds like a relationship of convenience... What he doesn't get (or least claim not to get) from his ex, he gets from you... Emotional, physical, intellectual, whatever... but he still goes "home"...Your man may not share a bed with his ex and they may in fact, hate one another, yet eny excuse/reason for remaining under the same roof speaks to his abilities to resolve a conflict, his desire to take a stand and to his selfishness... Merely airing your concerns leads to conflict and no clear resolution. If you are comfortable, everything else is moot... IMO, however, your relationship will always remain locked between the boundaries he established and the most you will ever get is what you're getting now...

 

Right no, I see exactly what you are saying, and I am only allowing things to continue for now. I mean, we haven't even been together a year, and I know how messed up he is. I mean....really.
I can't suddenly start making demands and asking for serious commitments, at least not at this stage. And to be honest I have no desire to, because I'm not there myself yet.
He has told me all along whats been going on, and I have said I am ok waiting for him (for now).
I do worry sometimes that me saying that allows him to just amble along as easily as he likes without giving him any real reason to change things.
But apart from that one conversation where I felt he was saying he wasn't planning on ending the marriage, I am pretty much ok with things as they are.
He now knows that no, I will not wait forever, and he will have to make that choice. He needs to sort these things out either one way or the other, as I will not just hang around indefinitely.
But for now I have backed down. I need to just give it time. He needs to sort things out in his own time without me nagging him about it constantly.
But it isn't over by a long shot. It will be raised again, and this time with more urgency, if things just carry on this way. I am letting it go, but I won't let it go next time. That is the decision I have made, and once it is made, I stick with it x

 

:rock: all of this...agree.

 

Its also to do with distance. He lives quite far away, if he was closer, he could be with me much more often. That does add another complicated dimension to it all.
He also has to be on hand to look after his child regularly because his ex works funny shifts, and that again adds extra problems.
Its sometimes not as ''black and white'' as it appears on paper.