Honest opinions on a bit of a dilemma?

ok, so I just wanted peoples unbiased thoughts on this thing that has really got to me recently with my fella.
I have mentioned before that he has ''home issues'' but didn't elaborate, but lets be honest, apart from a picture of me, no one actually knows me in real life, and most people on here appear to not even be from the same country as me, so I think I'm safe lol.

His issue is that he still lives with his ex. They haven't been ''together'' for a few years now, but because of money, and other related issues, they still share the house, even though they apparently hate each other and sleep separately of course.

Now, they are still officially married, and I knew this all along, because thats just the way things are sometimes. I mean hell, I was still married when I met him, although I was already going through my divorce, which is now final (yay).

I knew it wasn't a pressing issue for him, and I have sort of not really mentioned that whole thing. The situation already gets him down, and I'm not wanting to add any extra pressure, but I just assumed that he would eventually get around to the divorce thing.

We were talking recently about it, and he has pretty much said he has no intention of getting a divorce, and neither has she. In his eyes they have not been ''married'' for about three years now, and its just an official thing, not a personal thing, and he doesn't see any point in the rigmarole of going through a divorce, as it can be messy and expensive (yeah I know, I just did it myself!).
He said the marriage means nothing to him, it was a big mistake, and he has no plans to do it all again (that in itself doesn't bother me so much, you don't have to be married to be happy and committed to someone), but that he see's himself happy being with someone for life, without having to go through a marriage.
He said a few things in that area, but none of what he said really reassured me.

So I'm thinking, so what now, I'm with a man that is just going to be married to another woman forever?

She left him, has said things that can't get unsaid, and he says over and over that he doesn't want her anymore, wants me, has no intention of ever having anything more to do with her etc etc etc. But again that says to me that if she DID one day turn around, apologise and beg his forgiveness, would he give in? He has a lot of bitterness towards her, and I understand that, but that kind of reinforces to me that he still isn't truly and completely over her.

Am I overthinking and being sensitive? I do have a tendency to be that way, but this is big to me.
If I had known from the start that he had no plans on ending the marriage, I would not have pursued the relationship. I really am sure of that.

Just would appreciate thoughts on this, from both men and women.

 

fair point lol

 

that s a outstanding example of looks can sometimes say more then words... ... i had at least five different ideas of what he s trying to say in less then 30 seconds beside the (omg nawwwwwwww *censored*)

but after a few minutes of thinking about your question. i think you need to follow your own feelings and make your mind up about it.

how important is it to you that he stays married? would he divorce if money was no aspect? what would happen if he moved together with you? and so on.

to me... well, i don t want to pass judgement on him. but i would not stay with someone who has a relationship with me and still does not want to divorce. but that is just me.

 

Honestly I don't even see this as a real question because Suzie you already know the answer. I just see this as venting.

The answer is real easy, call him while his Wife is home and ask him to put her on the phone to ask her what their situation is. If that doesn't fly with him you know what it is.

 

I can't imagine being with a man who stays married to someone else forever. I mean call me old fashioned lol.
This is based upon one conversation, he doesn't yet know how much it has got to me, and when he asks, I will tell him.
I get all the practical stuff he's said, but we aren't talking about buying a new washing machine or looking for another job, we are talking about me just sitting here waiting to see if I am important enough to him for it to override his weird feelings about divorce!
I'm not asking him to get one tomorrow, or even next year, but yes, if this means enough to him, then he should end this pointless marriage he is still hanging onto for whatever messed up reason!
We have only been together for just under a year, so again, I don't want to demand commitment or promises, but even when you don't add me into the equation, its just..........weird!
I definitely need to talk to him about it without sounding like a crazy stalker lol.
And I'm not, but to me, this is a big deal, it just is. Still living with her is bad enough, but this is like adding insult to injury!

 

No I totally see what you are saying, but its just a crappy situation from start to finish. I mean he told me about it right in the beginning (the living situation), and even though they are separated, he's frightened that if she finds out about me, she will get him for ''adultery'', and he loses everything.

But yeah, money isn't everything, I know that. Yes I'm venting, I was just worried that maybe I am totally overreacting, so just needed to get different viewpoints. Maybe there aren't any different ones though lol.

 

lol well honestly you knew what you were getting yourself into from the start so just continue enjoy whatever y'all had going.... expecting anything more is just playing yourself.

 

Its just the fact that I had no idea he had no intention of ever ending the marriage. All the other stuff I can deal with.

 

:smt081:smt081

 

Ok. Not going to attack either of you or sugar coat my opinion. Ready?

There is no excuse for him to not get a divorce.

If he loves you, he should honor your request to change the situation, period. Have you told him how you feel about it? Do you want him to get a divorce? I gather the answer is logical and you not only want him to get a divorce, but also want him to move out.

Do they have children together?

If they don't, I really don't understand why he would stay married and not move on with his life. Not even saying move on with his life when it concerns you; but close that chapter and continue to the next.

You will never be able to start a new chapter of your life unless you close the last one and keep it closed.

Money would not be an object, there is ALWAYS at least a temporary fix. If they agree they don't want to be together and they are done with their marriage, there are other ways than hiring lawyers that get expensive to finalize the situation. I know, my ex and i did our own divorce for literally a few hundred dollars and a few visits to the bank to have documents notarized.

by him saying he does not want to go thru the hurdles necessary to successfully leave this woman who he no longer loves, he is doing nothing for you. You nay not want or need to marry him, but realistically, why would you want to be in a relationship like this (you deserve more) and where can it go?

Think about it.

 

i m not wake enough to be so brutal honestly... but yeah, she s (cherok33) is right.

 

No you're right. They do have a child, who is apparently quite sensitive, but trying to fool her that everything is ''normal'' is good for none of them, me included lol.
I just need to talk to him and let him know how this makes me feel.
I don't believe that they are still ''together'', I'm not completely naive, but he could easily have hidden the whole thing from me, as its always him that comes to me, and he had no need to tell me any of the things that he has.
But no, its not ok. And it isn't something that I can ''get used to'', as with other things, like him living with her. I mean I only got used to that because I believed that he was in the process of trying to sell the house and it wouldn't last forever.
I am just questioning everything at the minute, and thats no good after only one conversation!
thanks

 

^^ 100% this!

 

I definitely can relate to the situation; bottom line is you need to let him know exactly how you feel about the situation and tell him your expectations. If he needs suggestions or support, I definitely say by all means, help where you can. Just be smart about the situation and after you talk with him, look for changes. Don't let the time get away from you.

just my $.02

 

well like I said, its not as simple as that. He is already living in that house with her, holding on to try and not lose out massively financially, because its more his house than hers, and he's only holding on for the best case scenario for himself, so if she is that way inclined and goes to her solicitor shouting adultery, even though they are separated, that will be even worse than just moving out in the first place.

 

he can put the house on the market, he can move out and when it sells, if there is profit, they can split.

they can write up a separation agreement, indicating they will put the house kn the market when it's in their best interest, sell and split the profit. he can move out.

I would advise if they have a house together, they probably have other things also. Obviously a child. They really should seek legal advice at the very least.

However, if he just doesn't feel like being bothered...that's all up to you my dear.

 

unfortunately it is as simple as that...people get divorced every day...some walk away with nothing feeling like they just hit the lottery because they are free to be with whoever they want and do as they wish...I would venture to say this is more than financial...

only you can decide what you are worth...at the lowest point in my life I thought I was only worth being with someone that belonged to someone else...you are making it easy for him to stay at home by feeding his ego...if he didn't have you and had to go home and just live a miserable life then he would certainly be motivated to make a change...yesterday! or he finds another you to buy into his program which I have a feeling you are afraid to make any demands for the fear of losing him...

 

amen sister

 

I have always been very supportive of his situation, but maybe I am at a point now where I am thinking ''ok enough already, stop adding stuff!''.
It can only go so far before I feel like I'm being taken the mickey out of. Thanks, I appreciate your input x

Its like, I know how much stress he gets from this situation in the first place, I just don't want to add more by acting like a neurotic woman and make him retreat even further. He doesn't like talking about this whole thing, the situation at home etc, but he does because he knows I don't like being totally in the dark.
Sometimes I feel as if I'm really not that bothered, I mean yes, I do love him and want to be with him, but its like ''yeah whatever, just come see me every now and then and its all good'', but I think I am just fooling myself, because I feel utterly crap about this, and it drives me mad when we are having any kind of issue. I think because of my past, I'm unwilling to admit to myself that I am right smack bang in another relationship where I feel I am being too needy.
But yes, the more I say its all fine, no problem, the more it will just carry on with him thinking everything is peachy.
thanks