wwud 2 - dear abby....no respect

do agree with abby, me or what would you do....tell the writer.

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BOYFRIEND'S SENSE OF OWNERSHIP MAY EXTEND BEYOND THE MAIL


03/16/2013
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DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I are in our 20s and have been dating for five years. We're renovating a home that we will live in once it's completed. We have never lived together before.
During the renovation I have come to the house to find that he has opened packages that were addressed to me. The first time, I didn't say anything because I thought he might have thought it was his. After the second and third times, I mentioned -- nicely -- that they weren't his to open. He claims he "knew" they were things for the house, which is why he opened them.

I was raised that people's mail and packages were theirs to open, and I would never think of opening anything sent to him. This is an issue for me, but he brushes it off. He feels entitled to open my packages since it is his home, too. How can I make it clear that I expect him to respect my personal mail when he thinks this is no big deal? -- NO RESPECT IN NEW YORK

DEAR NO RESPECT: If I were you, I'd be less concerned about his opening your packages and far more concerned that when you tell him something bothers you, he ignores it. His disregard for your feelings is a red flag.

Your boyfriend appears to think that what is yours is his. Is the reverse also true? (I'll bet it's not.) Does he also check your phone messages and email? Does this extend to any other areas of your relationship?

If this was only about his opening your mail, I would advise you to open a post office box in your name only. However, if the answer to any of my questions is yes, I think you should take a sober look at the entire relationship.
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I would also agree with abby. I would amend this instead of "If this was only about his opening your mail, I would advise you to open a post office box in your name only. However, if the answer to any of my questions is yes, I think you should take a sober look at the entire relationship."
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dear I gets no respect........................I would worry about his total disregard for your privacy and him being flimpant of your feelings. I would do the following:

1) be honest with yourself ....have you done anything to give him any reason not to trust you...It MAYBE that he dont trust you. I really dont think this is it but all things need to be considered

2) this is a red flag and you may need to cut him loose.

 

It's fucked up there are people who even think like her BF. I understand being in a couple and having community space/property, however some things belong to the other person even if it's unspoken and they need to give you permission to use whatever it is.

As a rule I don't think you should open mail not addressed to you. Maybe if you're married and you know it's a bill or something, it's no big deal. But I still think if a person isn't ill or bedridden, you shouldn't be opening mail addressed to your spouse.

Although yeah the real issue is her man doesn't respect her feelings.
If they don't get those differences worked out they're gonna break up.

 

She needs to drop him now.

 

People need to stop manufacturing problems in their relationships. She should have sat down with her BF and clearly explained her issue isnt actualy about the mail, but instead about the lack of respect. Some men are dense, we really don't get how opening someone elses mail equates to an overall lack of respect, we somtimes need it spelled out for us.

Going to dear Abby wasn't the best idea. Asking for advice from someone who only has one side of the story, isn't likely to result in the best solution.

Also, shame on Abby for planting groundless seeds of trouble in that young couples relationship. There are always some bumps in the road when two people first move in together. But implying that the man is a control freak, and advising her to escalate the issue by getting a Post Office box, is terrible and reckless advice.

 

Firstly, opening other peoples' mail is actually illegal.

Secondly, I don't think Abby said anything out of line. If a person writes to Dear Abby for advice, and maybe the example she gave doesn't seem like such a big deal, it's usually because there are other things going on and this one thing exemplifies how the writer is really feeling about the topic.

I think that this girl should seriously think about her relationship, too, and figure out if this is a symptom of a larger issue that hasn't quite made it known to her yet. And Dear Abby's questions at the end were absolutely legitimate considering what the woman wrote.

Yes, she's only getting one side, but don't your friends/family only get one side of a story when you're (general you) having relationship/job/etc issues, too?

I think, in the very least, the writer should be seeing if this mail opening issue isn't a sign of things to come.

 

The only evidence any of us have of the mans behavior, is his opening of her mail, That's it. Like I said, he might not even be aware that his actions make her feel disrespected. So any predictions of his future behavior is just speculation. Jumping to conclusions without fully understanding his thinking, just makes any relationship problems a self fulfilling prophecy.

Basically Abby "Interception-ed" her and all the readers, with the idea of her boyfriends domineering behavior. And just like the movie said, once you plant the idea, it can then grow on it's own until the person thinks it was their idea all along.

Yeah, opening mail not addressed to you is federal crime, but mail tampering crimes are prosecuted with the intent of the criminal in mind. and it would be hard to prove criminal intent of a boyfriend opening up his girlfriends mail which is addressed to their shared dwelling.

 

She expressed her feelings about him opening her mail. His reason for opening the packages is not necessarily out of line, but a simple phone call to her saying "Honey, a package came today from ________ and I think it might be the _______ we're waiting on. May I open it?" would let her know he heard her and respects her feelings, but still may get him what he wants and that is whatever is in the package. (If that's his true motivation.)

The fact that he continues to open the packages addressed to her after she spoke to him about it is disrespectful. Doesn't necessarily mean there's a problem with the whole relationship, but him ignoring her request is bothersome.

 

Apparently, you did not read the whole thing. You missed a vital part

 

I read the whole thing, when she says "This is an issue for me, but he brushes it off." She is referring to the mail issue only.

Sure, it is clear to us readers that the real issue extends beyond the mail and is actually about respecting her personal property. But as far as we know he isn't aware of that (because she says the only issue she discussed with him was the mail). That is why her discussion with him, should have focused on the underlining issue (respect and boundaries) and not the mail.

Y'all are probably right about the boyfriend. But as a person who has been on the ass end of advice gone wrong, I can tell you this. It can do more harm then good to assume to know a persons motivation, and to predict their future behavior based just on one persons side of the story.

 

No one is telling this chick to break up with the guy. Not even Abby. But Abby brought up some good questions that this woman should really think about. I don't see anything wrong with how Abby handled the letter.

And like I said, I'm sure this woman wrote to Abby because there are other issues going on as well. Why would someone bother an advice columnist with someone opening her mail? That's ridiculous. I'm not saying that it can't be the case, but more than likely, there are other things going on behind the scenes that she didn't go into in the letter. And that's probably what drove the woman to write to Abby.

Obviously, since I don't personally know the woman writing the letter, I'm making assumptions, but I'm going by what I would do in her situation. If a dude was opening my mail, I'd talk to my friends about it and get their opinions. End of story. I certainly wouldn't write to Dear Abby about someone opening my mail. That's ridiculous.

The issue is the boyfriend saw nothing wrong with what he did, even when she expressed her not liking what he did. That shows lack of respect in the least.

And I can speak from personal experience here, when a man (or anyone for that matter) doesn't respect your opinion or your feelings, you aren't getting the support that you need from them and that's not a good relationship to be in.

 

well stated