Is it okay to ask your partner about past relationships?

Thanks. That's really helpful.

 

I used to be a child photographer. I've seen so dysfunctional families over the years that I feel like I have a pretty good idea how I want my future family to operate.

My boyfriend is an extremely good father. He has full custody of his two older children (their mother is MIA) but because of his work situation has them living out of state with their grandparents for the moment. He has his youngest part time. I've heard him interact with his oldest kids on the phone scolding them for whatever (he's kind of a hard ass sometimes) and I'll tell you that I've observed them to be MUCH more respectful then even I was as a kid. When I was visiting him a couple weeks ago I got the opportunity to spend a lot of time with his youngest, and he is the sweetest most affectionate fun little kid EVER!

As far as his past relationships go... I am kind of running a blank. Since starting this thread I have asked him for details regarding this issue and he doesn't seem to think it's important to get into and has a "you're not them so it doesn't relate" sort of mentality. I have met the youngest sons mother and she seems very put together and really nice. Something that is sort of alarming to be is that he is so eager to make me a part of his life without really knowing what I am capable of as a parent. I'm still pretty young, I live very chaotically, and have a lot of 'issues'. Being given the task... I think I would be a great mom, but it's not something that I ever thought I wanted for myself and am kind of hypnotized by the idea of someone seeing me as potentially serving that role in their life. I have expressed concern that maybe his 9 and 11 year old would taking longer adjusting to a new person and he just seems really nonchalant and explains that "they're kids. you just have to be nice to them. they want to see me happy". Kids are people too and I'm prepared for them to have their own opinions about what's going on... and he doesn't seem to have much consideration for their choice in the matter. I don't know what to think of this.

Regardless, I would very much hope to be a positive influence in his kids lives.

 

you should ask about his past. ask him now then ask him maybe a few months down the road to see if the story changes. also I would be very very concern if a dude/woman had multiple babies with multiple people and ESPECIALLY NEVER MARRIED.

 

I wouldn't ask for the "little" details in their past relationships, like the whole "OMG! How's you meet?! awww" thing. Or much about how the relationship went. I'd be more curious about how the relationship ended and why it ended.

Also may be iffy on the moving too fast thing, under a year and he's looking so far into the future. If you've already been living together for awhile before he moved, I might understand how moving there to live with him and stuff could be on his mind.
To me personally, it takes more time to know if you actually want to marry someone, have kids with them and all that though.

It's okay to ask about the past... doesn't always mean the past would be repeated, but it does shape us and change us. Would help you understand what you may be getting into.

 

What I've bolded may not be full-blown red flags, but they are cause for concern in terms of how he's treating you (and his own children) with this. His response is that it shouldn't matter to you because you aren't them so you can't relate? What??

Is he a lot older than you? Because it seems like he's treating you almost like a child: Don't worry your pretty little head with my past relationships.

Something just doesn't quite add up. He seems like he's trying to control you. But then again, I could be wrong. But you aren't so sure yourself about the answers you're getting. Which should give you pause.

Always trust your gut. Don't listen to anyone else. Listen to what your gut is telling you. It's never wrong. :smt023

 

You have all made excellent points.

I think that in the end, honestly it all comes down to communication. This is a valid concern that you have that will ultimately effect the rest of your life, with or without him in it.

I say speak your mind, choose your words to relay your concerns carefully. Remember there are three sides to every story (his side, her side, and the truth). Keep in mind that mixing families is very difficult and relationships are fragile.

Do what you believe is best. I definitely think you have the right to ask, just be mindful that your relationship with him is uniquely different than any of his other relationships. If he is saying all of these things, its because he's ready to take the next steps with you and can see you on his life. This is a great thing!

 

i ask bc its importint

 

Is there a certain number of past sex partners which could turn you off to someone? How do you make that judgment

 

For me... no number really.
It'd all depend on where the numbers came from.

I have a friend that had a crazy amount of partners. Only see him as a friend though, to him I'm just one of the guys . He's not the kind of person that can stay loyal to one person, and gets bored easily. So, it's not really the number of partners in that case, just that he'd be bored and move on (or have others on the side).

If it was someone that was dating around without success and had a high number of sexual partners just because things didn't work out, I wouldn't hold it against them, as long as they're clean and I know it'd be safe.

 

I would say its fair to ask, probably responsible to ask. I would just say that I wouldnt ask questions I dont want to know the answers to.