Is it okay to ask your partner about past relationships?

Is it okay to ask about your boyfriend/girlfriend about past relationships?
.....

I'm at a cross roads in my relationship right now because the man I love has moved out of state for work. We've been together less then a year and he wants to move me to him, marry me, start a family with me, have me as step mom to his other three children and to live our lives together.

In concerns me that he has kids by two different ex girlfriends because to me that means that he has already pursued the whole happy family bit, twice... and it didn't work. This makes me feel pretty insecure!

I really want to know more about his past relationships with his 'babies mamas' before I change my entire life and potentially follow in the foot steps of these other women.

 

If you are really interested in him then yes it is ok. I see nothing wrong with knowing about a persons past relationships especially when its to see how the person operated in the past.

Ive always been cautious of women with more than one bd for the same reason you mentioned about things not working...

 

Sounds like a great foundation, do it.

 

That's A LOT of kids and baby mommas. Does he fully financially support all of his existing children?

I personally, would not have kids with him, just based on what you are writing (I don't know him at all, don't know you, nor your relationship - I'm just looking at what's in a few paragraphs). He's got plenty. lol

You've made a good point that he's failed twice at creating a family unit, and chances are excellent that he'll fail again.

 

If you two really love each other, I don't see why you should hide your concerns about his past experiences.

If anything, if he had two relationships already, do you think that it would be worth the headache down the line?

 

Wise people here.

I think asking him is the wisest thing to do in this case. What makes your relationship different from the others that he suddenly feels it will work? If you're satisfied with the answer....great! If you're not, then are you prepared to walk away?

Good luck. I hope it all works out the way it should.

 

I think it's critical..
On one hand, you get to know your man best, when you know, how he treats his Ex-girl-friend or Ex-Mom of his baby..

on the other hand, every relationship is different. That the former relationship failed is (mostly) the fault of both. You are not his EX, so maybe you can handle things /problems different, maybe you react different, what could at the end change his reaction and your relationship, too.

I assume you know him and alone that you ask us, tells me you are insecure (you even mention it). If you are insecure, your inner instinct tells you that all that is not the way for you. Listen to your belly, he will tell you, what to do.
When I was marrying, never, I would have asked anyone, whether it is a good decision- in contrary, would anyone have told me, not to do, I would have sent him to hell. If you don't have this emotion, let it go.

 

The only thing you really need to ask yourself about why you are asking about his/her past is: What is your motivation.

Is it sincerely out of wanting to know more about the person? Their life, habits, experiences?
Is it so you can file the info away for a later date when you are fighting and you choose that time to use something personal as leverage in an argument?
How will you react to what they tell you? Are you the jealous or insecure type?
If they don't want to talk about it (for whatever reason) are you absolutely hands-down willing to drop any further mention of it unless they bring it up first?
IF you don't get the answers or reply you were looking for and it was done out of ill motivation, will you snoop to find out what you were looking for?

Men, really, honestly, are really easy to get. You just have to PAY ATTENTION. Women act all surprised when the man flips because they flip. But if they had just respected his personal boundaries it wouldn't be such an issue to begin with.

 

Im not entirely sure of my motivation except that it's definitely not with malicious intent.

In honesty, I have brought up the topic before and asked why him and the last woman he was with split up and continued to live together for another year or so. He said "we fell out of love". I dropped the issue after that.

I kind of hated this answer, though. And that's why I'm thinking of getting more information.

 

It happens though.
What people don't understand about how love (sexual, intimate, love) works between two people is that it peaks and valleys and cycles. People just assume that if they don't feel that intense passion it means they don't love the person anymore. Sometimes this is the case. But the people who make it though the cyclic nature of marriage or love relationships know that it changes and doesn't always feel exactly the same.
Thats the nature of emotion. ALL emotion.

 

yeah, but what if you end up going out with someone who doesn't understand that? one in love would think someone who has multiple sperm/womb doners in their lives would get it right eventually.

 

Uhm...wutt?

 

some don't under stand the cycles of love or cycles of relationships. to think that someone who has had multiple sperm/womb doners(multiple baby mommas/daddies) in the the eyes of someone love struck would like to believe their person is ready for what they have to offer.

 

Marriage is inherently flawed in that it assumes that two people will always hold the same feelings and desire for one another. This RARELY happens anymore and this is reflected in divorce statistics. When a marriage gets to the point where it's no longer about love and instead becomes about endurance, the sensible thing for the happiness of both parties is to go their own way. That said, maybe less people should consider marrying / divorcing and instead just consider making the most out of their relationship with the person that they're with for the season that the relationship lasts.

There's nothing wrong with asking your partner about past relationships if you can handle it. I used to get hung up over shit like that, now I just came to accept that everybody has a past and I really don't need to know the details of it.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong in asking, either. Just be careful how to ask and what you ask.

As for someone having kids to multiple partners before they end up with you....I know it's only one example, but my cousin had two daughters to two different partners before she met her husband, and they're one of the strongest, most loving couples I've ever met (they've been together for over 15yrs).

So, having kids to multiple partners doesn't always make someone a bad choice for marriage. Any number of things could have happened/gone wrong (could have been the fault of his partners). But, I guess that's what you want to find out, right?

 

I expect that if I'm with someone long enough that eventually we will "fall out of love" to some extent, but I don't want that to be grounds to split up! I imagine that I will always be an enthusiastic and affectionate lover, but I know that once kids are involves a lot of the romance dissipates and you're left with a certain level of friendship. I'm okay with that.

It alarms me that he "fell out of love" with his ex like it was so easy, because I would want my man to go through severe lengths to try and keep the relationship together (just as I would).

 

It's possible he wasn't really in love with her in the first place. Plus, no one really knows what goes on inside someones relationship and the way he 'fell out of love' could have been justified.
Try not to dwell on it too much, and just sit down and have an honest talk with him. It's easy to just assume.

edit: And, how you WANT someone to react and how they actually react are almost always two completely different things. It doesn't make that person a bad person though (not that you said he was).

 

This is your life and future, which should be the most important factor here for you, there is nothing wrong with asking him everything you feel you need to know before you take the leap and move to be with him and start your lives together. Like CD mentioned, I would more go on how he speaks about his ex's, is it with respect? I don't tend to want to know too much about ex relationships because you will only get his side of the story of course. Be careful with what you ask? Do you really need to know? I personally wouldn't feel the need to go there nor have I....

For me though, it would not be as important to know how or why his relationships failed but more has he learned from it and is he prepared to make it work this time. You mentioned that in his last relationship that they fell out of love, that can happen yes,,,, but did he try his up most best to work on it because there was a child involved?

This is your heart and future, go with what you think is best for you.

 

Agree with both of these..

 

Hmmm...depends on the situation