Sexual Chemistry or Intellectual/Emotional Compatibility?

When searching for a mate, I think most of us want a perfect combination of sexual chemistry and intellectual/emotional compatibility. In reality, we might err more on one side than the other. Tell me, honestly:

1. If you had to choose, would rather have a partner with the sexual or emotional/intellectual connection?

2. What has been your experience? Have you pursued dating or even married someone who fell more in one category than the other? How did this relationship work (or, how did it end)?

3. Are men or women more likely to choose one aspect over the other or rank one higher than the other in importance?

 

1. If you had to choose, would rather have a partner with the sexual or emotional/intellectual connection?

I would rather have an emotional/intellectual connection over a sexual one. In my experience, sexual connections have grown out of that mental stimulation. However, if you have nothing to say to each other, it's a waste, and eventually the sexual connection disappears.

2. What has been your experience? Have you pursued dating or even married someone who fell more in one category than the other? How did this relationship work (or, how did it end)?

I've tried dating men who I didn't have an E/I connection with, and it was a disaster. Sex will only get you so far. It's not meant to create intimacy, IMO, it's meant to solidify it, and if you aren't already attracted to and stimulated by your partner, it's a done deal.

3. Are men or women more likely to choose one aspect over the other or rank one higher than the other in importance?

In my experience and observation, men are more likely to choose a woman who's sexually interesting to them, because they have this strange idea that the 22year old is going to look 22 for her entire life (the surprise of her 50th birthday must be epic!)

Anyway, that's just what I've seen. I think women are more likely to look for a mate who stimulates them on a deeper level, because when we feel that connection, it's also closely tied to sexual arousal and satisfaction.

 

1. Why can't you have it all. I feel like I've found that and its pretty awesome. But if I had to choose between the two I'd pick the emotional/intellectual connection. My girl took me to this African American exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum about bm. It was simply amazing, I really hope it comes out on dvd, it's definitely worth owning. But what I liked most about sharing that with her was that she has a genuine interest in my culture and really wants to understand life as I experience it. No one I've ever dated has really seemed to care about that. It makes me feel more connected to her.

2. I'm currently in a relationship where I feel like I have all these things. Its by no means perfect but its fun. I don't know where its going to lead but I do appreciate having what we have right now and if we break up tomorrow I'm grateful for the experience. Like I said before she's made a believer out of me and I think we should all be that lucky to have someone in our lives who can show us that love can actually be real. Connections do happen and not to other people so we can just be on the outside looking in but to us as well. I'm as cynical as they come and if I can be changed, if I can be convinced anyone can.

3. I think for both men and women it depends where you are in life as well as life circumstances. At 20 I would have valued sex and only sex but as an adult I appreciate more, but my girl is 22 and she seems to appreciate having more than just sex. In fact that's how it started out and just evolved into more for both of us.

 

Interesting choice of words lol:smt103

 

I don't think that is a gender thing. People choose differently, depending on their needs or wishes.

 

1. I'd rather have a partner with an emotional/intellectual connection. If you can't connect with me at that level, I will NOT let you connect with me at a sexual level. To me, the emotional/intellectual connection's much more long lasting than the sexual connection.

2. I've dated people that valued the sexual connection far too much. It got to the point that if i took a sleeping pill and they showed up, we'd watch a movie and I'd fall asleep. They'd try to "play", and then when they couldn't get what they wanted.... they'd leave. That's after explaining that if I fall asleep then leave me the fuck alone because i find it so hard to fall asleep. If he valued more than that, he would've stayed. He didn't want to cuddle, gave me what I called a 'wet noodle' hug, there was basically nothing, and I decided enough was enough. It wasn't the sex, it was just the other simple little other things. It didn't work out, with that reasoning playing a big factor.

3. Regardless of gender, both have wants and needs. They might feel they have something in common but by stories I think in general, men would pick a sexual connection while women would pick more of an emotional connection.
This isn't because of assumptions exactly, but stories from friends. From a woman that gets along with guys as well as girls, it means lots of stories.... more of the guy's stories revolved around the emotional attachment with their woman and how they were seeking a woman that's willing to be more sexual.
With the women, often friends would say how they were tired of men wanting only sex, that men are players and idiots... showing that intelligence and an emotional connection is valued mostly by the women.

Anyways, a little too much tequila for me... time for bed

 

Women can't get their girly fix from watching Oprah anymore, so they litter the Internet with questions like "What's more important the dick or the heart?"

 

Can't have one without the other. A dick would be useless without the heart to pump blood into it.

 

It's a moot point. Both are absolutely vital.

 

Agreed.
Without the sexual chemistry, you're just friends. And without the intellectual/emotional compatibility you're either just a one night stand, or not going to get close enough to figure out if you want to sleep with each other (or have sexual chemistry) in the first place.

 

:smt043

So true! Literally & figuratively. I crave the E/I connection. For a relationship to be significant, I need that first. His junk and what he does with it might be amazing, but I want the mind and heart first.

 

I wouldn't settle for one without the other because to me that would be.......settling.

 

I know a woman who is married to this erudite and highly cerebral man yet is cheating on him with a rugged construction worker. I dont know what to make of this scenario.

 

People are assholes. Ta da you learned something new. Now go pass it on lol

 

Just because the erudite & highly cerebral guy is what he is doesn't mean he is connecting with her on the level she wants the connection. And, you seem to assume that the construction worker is unintelligent or incapable of having an intellectual conection. Whatever the case, she has an emotional connection & therefore sexual chemistry with the construction worker that she doesn't have with her husband.

 

Interesting how the fact she is cheating on him was ignored. Something to ponder

 

That's not what the thread is about, and I didn't get the impression that was the point Appiah was making. I tend to try to stay on topic. The cheating aspect is a whole 'nother thread.

 

Perfectly stated, Sin. For the longest time I've hoped to find all of those things in one relationship but I'm starting to think its impossible . At least for the long term anyway. :-(

 

Can you ellaborate please?

 

Point made and accepted