Dating "Beneath" You

I feel so bourgie putting it this way, but what is everyone's experience dating "beneath" them?

I've dated several bm's and a few wm's that would be considered in my class: middle class background, college educated, white collar, etc. I've really not had much luck with these guys. Some (esp. wm) are entirely ego-driven and when they become insecure, have taken to criticizing me for everything from my career to my looks. I've dated a workaholic who will never change his hours so we can have a "real" relationship. My most recent bf worked in telecommunications but had a gambling/spending problem.

Sooo...I met this new guy. He is a bm from a middle class background but he got into some trouble when he was 16 (we are 30) and had to do some time in TX. He was very up front about this and it was one of the first things he told me about himself. He is employed as a truck driver and is very hard-working, though he always makes time to see me. He is very sweet, crazy about me, and kinder than anyone I've dated for a long time.

I recently caught him in a lie about where he's living. He told me he had a room mate but he's actually crashing on a friend's couch. I think he was embarassed to tell me the truth but I got angry and made a huge deal about him lying to me. I told him I "need some time to think." I think I started this argument because I feel weird about dating him, even though he's a wonderful person.

I feel so snobby, but the dating beneath me thing has gotten to me. I feel like I've been programmed to seek out a guy who is more successful than me. I work with several BW at my white-collar job who are married to blue-collar men and seem perfectly happy. Men have married beneath them for ages and there even was a recent article about marrying "down" http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2126787/Why-more-women-marrying-down.html.

I'm so messed up about this...he still wants me and wants to be together. I'm a perfectionist and driving myself crazy.

 

If you think of him as beneath you maybe you shouldn't be together, how would he feel knowing you said that?

 

First you use bourgie....

Then you call someone you chose to date, beneath you. I think its the other way around.

 

During our argument, he was really hurt and said "you just want a professional career man!" so I think he's picked up on it though I've never said anything.

I don't want to be judgemental like this anymore, I'm trying to evolve.

 

Can we have a discussion about this without sanctimonious commentary?

 

I'm in agreement with the others, if you think he is beneath you ...you are wrong. When did relationship come with a requirement to be solidly equal in all areas? It's just silly. Evolve...then get back to him. He should expect to be treated better.

 

Let's hope so... fancy a woman having any standards at all... LOL

Glad you are thinking about it, csbean... you might throw away a possible chance at real happiness - this could be a temporary setback for him. Sounds like he treated you wonderfully.

On the other hand, he might be so hurt that the damage is done...no man wants to feel that he's not good enough. No person does...

 

I think you might just be coming to realisation of evaluating things differently. This could be a turning point for you, and a courageous step towards self re-examination. I think you are better of with doing something that makes you happy and ultimately your criteria of evaluation of potential suitors is what matters. After all, you will have to live the pleasures and the regrets.

 

any lie is a red flag in my book. what type of relationship will you have in the future if lying is easy as this? I have had times where I'm on a friends couch for a few days while I wait until my move in date yes...

these days as men with other men doing women wrong left and right one should know not to tell a lie even a simple one as women are like the CIA on the little things.

 

Sanctimonious? in what way? you are the one that considers him "beneath" you; you didn't say that you had concerns about his career, that he wasn't intellectually on par, that he was not motivated enough. You called him beneath you.

You have a problem with his "lying"?

What about the big ass lie that you are perpetrating on him by dating the man while thinking that he is beneath you? Is what you are doing worse or the fact that he lied about sleeping on his buddies couch?

 

A lie is only bad if they deem it bad. I call this the Prince Hakeem Theorem. Lying about being stable when youre not. Bad. Lying about being poor when youre actually rich. Easily forgivable and becomes a cute little joke.
Girls want security and stability and if theyre young to have kids theyd more than likely wabt it provided by a significant other. Just nature.
One has to wonder why she would date a dude "beneath her"
Whats the appeal?

 

Thanks saint, dweb, and naija for your thoughtful responses. You've given me a few different ways to look at the scenario.

 

Have you seen the movie Good Deeds?

 

I read the post and read peoples' answers and something hit me: men date "beneath" them all the time, if you're talking strictly job and salary-wise.

So why can't a woman do the same?

It sounds like the only way he's beneath you is his job and salary. But sometimes those things take a back burner to how the other person treats you and if he/she respects you and supports you in your life.

Though the lying thing is cause for concern, I don't think that is totally a deal-breaker because he could have just been too embarrassed to tell you. However, it's something to keep your eye on in the future.

To me, the only way a person can be "beneath" another person is through economic status....and really, that should be considered less than how the two people interact emotionally and intellectually, IMO.

This isn't India where they still have the caste system for crying out loud. LOL. As long as his job is STABLE and he makes a decent enough income to live on his own (and not crashing in your bedroom and playing video games all day whilst you go out and work and make money), then why worry about his economic status??

Who he/she is as a person and how well he/she treats you should matter more to you than what his job is....

 

No motherfucker we can't, this is wwbm.com and that's how we roll.

Anyway, there is nothing wrong with standards even if you feel you're being unreasonable about it. The real problem is that you're in Georgia, so you're lucky if you can find a "brotha" with a full set of teeth outside of Atlanta. The "successful" brothers are largely in Atlanta and most don't (openly) prefer white women. Others are gayer than Richard Simmons singing "I Will Survive" during karaoke night in a West Hollywood bathhouse named Put Your Dick in my Mouth, Then My Ass.

I wouldn't date a bitch who's been to prison or can't hold a decent conversation. Hold firm and kill those self-doubts.

 

Gotta spread it around and all that jazz kid

 

amen joanie...you speaketh the truth

 

I think in all responds you received is some truth.

It seems that you rely on a certain class to be happy in future, but every class has its own "natural inconveniences".High class is full of egoists, no time for others, because either they are used that all run after them or they had to be egoists to get the place ,where they are today. The middle class has to work hard, everyday, but is more flexible in time sharing. The lower class has a lot of time to spend, but it can happen that you have to feed them.

But as you've already experienced before, other problems, like gambling,maybe cheating,violence,drugs or serious negative attitudes, you find in every class.

The point is that not the class you see a person in at the moment is actually important, only the class you see this person in in future ...and if this person is close to you, with a nice character, then I assume you've found your man

 

Christine, you are so wise...!:smt045