BM/WW: Couples in Crisis with Dr. Laura Berman

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Couples in Crisis
Can Your Relationship Survive Low Self-Esteem?

Many women and men who suffer from low self-esteem look to their partners for love when they really need to first look within themselves.

By Laura Berman

It is human nature to love and want to be loved. We want to find the perfect partner to share our hearts and lives with. When your self-esteem is healthy, you are more likely to select a mate who mirrors love and respect back to you. By the same token, if your self-esteem is low or nonexistent, you will likely find someone who mirrors your low opinion of yourself and who perhaps treats you with little or no respect. Furthermore, if this is the case, you may stay with that partner (or find new partners who are equally lacking in respect) because, deep down, you don’t believe you deserve anyone better. Essentially, if you don’t love and respect yourself, it will be very hard to find a partner who does.

The relationship between low self-esteem and a lack of respect was made painfully clear in a session between partners Tyrone and Sarah, a couple who have been together for five years.

The conflict between them was revealed immediately because they could barely allow each other to speak without interrupting. The resentment between them was palpable.

It was clear that Sarah was riddled with insecurity and a negative self-image. As a result, she could be very sensitive and needy when it came to Tyrone. She craved his praise and approval, but what she didn’t realize was that Tyrone was equally insecure and in need of an ego boost. He was able to mask these needs, however, by focusing his energy and his critiques on her insecurities.

The theme of the relationship was simple but potent: Sarah didn’t measure up — in his eyes and in her own eyes. She had chosen to stay, though, because she desperately wanted to fill that void within herself and thought she could do that only by winning Tyrone’s approval. Of course, he could not give her the self-worth that she craved: Only she could do that.

How to Boost Your Self-Esteem

If this situation sounds familiar, you are not alone. So many people struggle with low self-esteem. Not only can it greatly impair people’s lives, but it can also destroy relationships. Without self-love, you cannot find real, lasting love outside yourself. Here are some tips that can help you improve your self-esteem and self-worth, and also safeguard your relationship:

1. Your partner should augment your self-esteem, not provide it. Many times in long-term relationships we look to our partners to provide us with a sense of self-worth and meaning. This is especially true for women — we love the validation that comes from compliments and positive feedback, and one kind comment from a partner can keep us smiling all day. That’s okay in and of itself, but if you don’t get that kind comment, it shouldn’t leave you feeling low. Positive feedback is always appreciated, but you need to be in charge of your own mood. Find something you love about yourself (your arms, your sense of humor, your long lashes, your soft skin, or your intelligence), and focus in on that whenever you are having a self-esteem crisis.

2. Be aware of codependent behavior. Most women greatly value their personal relationships, and they are also socially encouraged to place a huge emphasis on their marriage and family. As a result, women funnel much of their energy and time into their most intimate relationships, and in turn, they use their partners as a “mirror” to show themselves how well (or how badly) they are doing. If their partner is disconnected or out of sorts, a woman often turns inward and wonders, “What did I do wrong to upset him?” or “How can I fix this?” Essentially, this is codependent behavior and it can be highly destructive to your self-worth, because at the end of the day, only you can make yourself happy.

3. Recognize patterns. If you are currently in a relationship with a partner who is disrespectful of you, chances are you have been there before. Many women find themselves dating the same type of guy over and over, whether it’s a bad-boy type or a driven overachiever. If you have an unhealthy pattern, you will likely find yourself having the same relationship problems over and over again. Consider your own relationship history so that you can identify how this has played out in your life before. Are your partners often dismissive of you or talk over you when you try to share your feelings? Have exes in the past made you feel inadequate by comparing you to other women or criticizing your appearance? Spend some time thinking about why you are motivated to continue choosing men who hurt you. Is it because you don’t believe you deserve a loving, kind partner, or because you think you can change these guys into loving partners? Once you realize your pattern, you can take back control and start to make healthier choices.


4. Don’t spiral. Once you get on the negativity roller coaster, it can be very hard to get off. You start the day worrying about the blemish on your chin, you spend the morning fretting over how tight your skirt is, and then you spend the afternoon feeling guilty that you didn’t kick butt in your meeting with a client. This negativity often spirals out of control, but the good news is that it can be stopped. Whenever you feel yourself getting on the negativity ride, pull the brakes. Always follow a negative thought (“I totally embarrassed myself at that exercise class”) with a positive one (“But the point is I tried my best, and I am going to get stronger and stronger each time I go”).

5. Don’t make it about your partner. Your partner is in charge of his own mood and thoughts. Be a kind, loving, and giving partner, but don’t forget to direct some of that love and kindness back onto yourself. When you feel yourself focusing too much on what your partner is doing or feeling, give yourself a “me” break. Go get your nails done, meet up with a friend for coffee, get lost in a good book, and essentially just redirect your focus onto what’s happening within you. If you practice good self-care and attend to your own needs, you will be a happier, more positive partner, and that will do more for your partner’s mood than excessive caretaking will.

6. Know when it’s abuse. Although your partner isn’t in charge of your mood or your self-esteem, he should still be a positive supporting force in your life. If he is negative, insulting, sarcastic, or otherwise critical, it can do a number on your self-esteem — and that isn’t okay. Don’t engage with your partner when he goes on his sarcastic rants, and make it clear that you have an issue with it. Explain why it upsets you and why you want it to stop. It could be that he thinks he is being funny and doesn’t realize the effect it is having. However, if he continues to berate you or chip away at your self-esteem after you tell him to stop, consider it a major red flag you shouldn’t ignore. Everyone should be with a partner who loves them and respects them, and if your partner doesn’t, you need to closely examine your relationship and rethink your future.

7. Give the feedback you want. Always be the change that you want to see in your relationship. If you want more positive feedback, then be sure and give your partner plenty of appreciation and compliments. Not only will you boost his ego and put a smile on his face, but you will generate positivity that will come back to you in the future, as he will be more likely to compliment you in return. Imagine a relationship that is filled with compliments rather than criticism — that is what each of us deserves and should generate in return for our partner.

However, at the end of the day, it is important to remember that your self-esteem and self-worth is yours alone to foster and protect. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”

 

I didn't have to watch the whole thing. Who the hell wants to be with someone who thinks they aren't up to their standards. That's a deal breaking comment and reason to bounce before things even get started. I don't get why he'd even mess with someone who wasn't up to his standards. Life's too short to voluntarily allow yourself to be abused and to be with a partner you don't believe is truly a good match for you.
People truly are insane

 

Bogus Doctored Video

I am the Tyrone in the clip. Sarah and myself are very ashamed of how this clip portrays us. We were told it was going to be a very fun tongue in cheek show about relationships. As you can see it doesn't look that way does it? they even blocked (JUST TO LET EVERYONE KNOW, THEY EVEN BLOCKED ME FROM MAKING COMMENTS THAT DEFENDED US ON YOUTUBE. MAKE SURE YOU LOOK AT IT ON YOUTUBE AND NOTICE THAT I DEFENDED MYSELF FOR MOST OF THE COMMENTS AND NOW MY COMMENTS ARE NON EXISTENT. HMMMM....We will never do an interview for an ambush journalist again. When I tell you that you have no idea how much they have distorted, edited, and cut this footage, you Really Don't. She spoke with us for over an hour and half the things she said she never said to us directly. At the end of the interview she actually thanked us and told Sarah that she needed to get some counseling for her self esteem because she felt she could not measure up. Let me give you a better understanding of some of the things in this biased video. We both came from very strict religious households. We both were awkward teens that grew up ridiculed. As a result we were both very insecure as children and young adults. I was able to overcome my insecurities earlier in life than she was. (I'm 34 and She's 29). I've only tried to help her see how beautiful she can be inside and out. I explained to the doctor that I needed a more confident woman, but you guys didn't see that. I had to learn how to overcome these things on my own. I'm not with her because she's a door mat or something. She's so much stronger than what the video makes her look like. I'm with her because she's a great person. She's intelligent, attractive, funny, supportive, and a great friend. Please check out our facebook pages to see how we really are. You can find me under Tyrone M Crawley. Dr. Berman was only right about one thing in the video...one. And that was her self esteem needed work. Since the interview our relationship has grown stronger. Sarah without counseling, I may add is much more secure and we are getting along fabulously. It's almost like she just needed another opinion on what was going on in her head before making a mental decision on what she wanted to do. We are still together. She even told me that she understood now what I had been trying to tell her all along. And with this new found self esteem she hasn't left me. As all of you who are students of the Law of Attraction know, Like Attracts Like. Good Self Esteem Attracts Good Self Esteem. That's the reason why we're closer now. So the next time you see an interview on TV, question yourself about how much is edited footage. Believe me, I will! Thank you for reading. By the way, take a look on the ANDERSON show's website and look under interracial dating. That also shows a clip of us being **us.http://www.andersoncooper.com/2011/*1*1/03/an-interracial-couple-weighs-in/

 

De Nada

 

Good update Tmagnus. Wishing you guys well.

 

Welcome.

And glad you are able to set the record straight. We truly appreciate it and you both hanging in there.....'cause...the bolded part..is all that counts. :smt023 :smt049