I love good looking black men!

Its a bait thread.

Move the fuck on...

 

Yeah sorry I don't agree. Partner to me is someone I agree to be there for and care for but outside of my own offspring I don't think I can care about someone as much as myself. If the only way a relationship works is me putting some chick who barely knows me first then I'm good with dating for now. I don't want someone to be my everything. I'm my everything.

 

I was in the same situation with my son. Was bemoaning the fact that I had been single for so long and wanting to meet someone and I realized that if I were to get into a relationship at that point, my son would be short-changed, simply because I would've put all my energy into that relationship. That's just my personality. I, too, made the choice to focus on my son.

 

Making your spouse a greater priority than anyone else does not have to mean he/she is your "everything."

(Btw, look up the word self-ccentered in the dictionary.)

 

It just seems odd to me that you and I post in the same way, what we believe, but for you, mine is fatherly, and yours is...well, I won't get into personas, lol. My posts should come off just as your do, at least to the extent that you look at the content and judge that on its merit or not. It's you who choose to read something into them that's not there. Perhaps, it's a bias on your part based on a difference in age?

 

That's actually a fair assumption. Could be. I apologize for the bias.

 

I want my son to put his spouse first, no question. But my son is my son, and he comes first with me. Maybe part of that is that I raised him alone. But he's flesh of my flesh, and if I needed to go hungry to feed him, I would. If I were married, I'd expect a spouse to understand that.

 

:smt023

I'm interested in the conversation that's come up about family & spouses as a result though. I don't think DK is wrong in his view, if that's how he feels then I'm sure he can meet someone who feels the same way and be happy. Personally, my future husband(if xyz, etc) will come first and I expect the same back.

I think you're all arguing about nothing, tbh. We all have different family/relationship dynamics. Talking to you too here, DK, we don't all have close families like yours, your mum is obviously a good mum and has been there for and supported you so you value her highly. Presumably no woman has come into your life yet that has made you feel differently, maybe they will and maybe they won't.

Younger than you(eh, close enough to be considered the same age actually) & with a deceased parent, btw. I don't think age or whether you've outlived your parents makes a difference, I think it has more to do with how strong your family is and how strongly you've felt for the people you've been with.

 

I appreciate the understanding and truthfully I don't worry about being with someone for life. If it happens it happens. I'm ok either way. I prefer to focus on and appreciate all the amazing things I have rather than predicting how I will be in the future.
The girl I'm seeing now gets where I'm coming from since she has a similar background but that doesn't necessarily mean she's the one. I just want to take it all as it comes.

 

Sorry, babe, it can't be done, not on this subject. I try to maintain an open-mind, but on this particular issue, it's closed and will remain so.

But I don't view a partner as someone potentially transient in my life, it sounds as if you would go into marriage with the expectation that they aren't going to stick around. I suppose if I thought like that then your view on this makes more sense, however why would you marry someone if that's how you felt about them? I think people who go into a marriage with the expectation of failure, or at least with the mindset that it's going to happen at some point, are nearly guaranteeing that's the case. I also find that unfair to your partner, it's like you're setting them up to fail from the start. There are people in this world who are capable of loving you, committing to you, and standing beside you just as strongly as your biological family members do... but you have to give them the chance and treat them with the respect they deserve, and ranking them behind your family isn't doing that IMO. I don't think it always has to be an either or, I don't see why you can't love people equally?

I agree with the first bolded part, I believe if you choose to marry someone they are family and as important as your biological kin.

However, I don't agree with the second bolded part. Your spouse can take care of her own needs, your children cannot up until they reach a certain point, therefore they become the priority in your life IMO. I however do not believe you have to love one more than the other. I hear people, particularly single parents, talking about how the people they date who may become their partners will always take a backseat to their children. I never saw the point in making that distinction, do you not possess enough love to go around? I know I possess an astounding capacity to love, as do most human beings, so I don't see the reason to portion it out according to a hierarchy of some type.

You can love and provide for your children, and love your partner too, and you can do it well enough that no one feels slighted. In fact I think doing it any other way is unfair to your partner. Familial love and romantic love aren't the same, but one doesn't exclude or diminish the strength of the other.

I mentioned that my ex-husband's family was really screwed up in their thinking on this, at least IMO, and I realized this during a conversation that took place when I was 8 months pregnant with my daughter, and it ties in to your comment about putting your spouse first. His family was discussing a hypothetical situation in which the whole family was in a boat that sunk, the question was who do you save first. To my literal shock and dismay, every one of them answered spouse first, then parents, then children. Their reasoning was that you have one soul-mate, you have one mother and one father, but you can always have more children. :shock: I'm generally pretty accomodating of alternate opinions, even when I find them to be utterly asinine, however I believe the term "I completely lost my shit" would best apply here. I explained that I can swim, as can most adults I know, and therefore I didn't need assistance. I also told them all that my first priority would be my children, and then any other children, as clearly no one else is going to be trying to save them. They thought I was literally nuts, and tried to convince me that it was wrong & selfish of me to think like that... WTF! Then when I told them all that if I got to shore, and they all made it to shore, and the children didn't make it to shore I'd drown everyone of their ignorant selfish asses with my bare hands, they were sure I was nuts... but that subject never came up again in my presence. I really don't understand people with such a skewed perspective that they could view children as replaceable, it just doesn't compute for me. You know that moment in your life where you realize that you have made an egregious error in judgement... yeah, that was mine right there.

 

Well get me some orthopedic shoes because I stand corrected. I have to admit I do approach relationships with this one foot in one foot out mentality. I guess its because I've seen more relationships end than last and the deceitful behind the back shit I've witnessed makes it hard to believe that romantic love is forever. I know its one sided thinking but what do you do when you've never witnessed a long lasting marriage outside of tv?


As far as you said about being a single mom I agree whole heartedly. Believing you'd come before a womans kids is down right classless and ridiculous. That's the kind of woman I need in mt life. Someone I know will put the kids first. Like you said I can meet my own needs.

 

Having read your comments, I'm not sure if we're in agreement or not...In reference specifically to my post, I mention the responsibility that I believe a parent has for a child, prior to the time the child can care for himself/herself. I've noticed a tendency of some parents, when a child enters their lives, or during the early life of the child, to neglect the relationship with their spouse in favor of the children. I find that to be wrongful and deleterious to the relationship. So, my intent was to suggest that I wouldn't be the offending person in that regard in my marriage, that I wouldn't put my children ahead of my spouse, but that doesn't preclude my fulfilling my responsibilities to my children, to care, protect, love and be there for them, as I mentioned. Perhaps, this is a difference only in semantics on this point, as I believe it requires equal care to both interests. But, as I mentioned, I wanted to recognize the potential for relationship issues when care isn't taken for the spouse as well.

I also don't find your position of the "drowning" scenario in conflict with my beliefs, with one variation. If the assumption is that the children can't swim and your spouse is capable of saving himself, then I'd agree, children first, yours or any other children. If your spouse can't swim, but your children can swim, then spouse first and others who can't swim next. If neither your spouse or your children can swim, well, I'm not sure how I'd decide. Perhaps, I'd think about the potential for survival and hope that my spouse could hold on while I rescued my children, and then go back for the spouse. As for siblings and parents, again, I'd look to survivability. Whoever, is least able to save themselves would be next on the list AFTER my spouse and children.

 

So true, Swirl. I've seen it happen. I'm of the firm belief that one of the best gifts a parent can give a child is a loving and stable relationship with his/her spouse.

 

swirly, i've sent you an email in response to your question.

 

Personally I try really hard not to assume the world is made up of the type of people that I find disappointing. I also try not to carry forward bad experiences or allow them to taint my expectations with other people. I meet an awful lot of people who seem to expect everyone else to behave like the people who have disappointed them the most in their lives, and that's just unfair, and I think it predisposes you to find those types of people more often. Frankly it pisses me off the amount of time I have to spend overcoming/answering for someone else's past behavior. Just because some woman screwed you over, or lied to you, or cheated on you, doesn't mean I will, or that any other woman will. Holding people accountable for someone's else's mistakes or shortcomings is simply inappropriate.

If I based my expectations on the people I've known in my life who were less than enjoyable experiences, and I allowed that to dictate my behavior, I'd never leave the house. But I choose to give everyone a clean slate and to let them decide whether they want to fuck it up. I know that even if 75% of the world is made up of assholes and bitches, that means 25% isn't, and they are the ones who give me hope. I think learning who falls into which category, and being able to spot that quickly, makes it a lot easier. But you first have to realize that not everyone is out for themselves, and that there are respectful, kind, generous and loving people in the world. Being hopeful doesn't mean being stupid, but I think it requires a little more faith in people than some people are willing to have. And yes sometimes people will disappoint you, or hurt you, or treat you unfairly, but if you've been straight and fair with them, then you have nothing to regret and that failure is on them.

We agree and disagree, but I just replaced the buffer board in my plasma and am entirely too intent on watching the 4 weeks of recordings on my DVR to debate anything with anyone at the moment.

As for your comment on saving people according to their need, I agree with that. However at the time I had that discussion I was pregnant and therefore thinking of infant or very small child who couldn't swim, so no one else would have taken precedence with me. Both my children can swim, in fact I've known only one adult in my lifetime that couldn't swim. But in general I'm for making the most helpless the priority, whether that be children, elderly, or animals. The one who can't fend for themselves gets help. However, I have a massive issue with any parent who won't prioritize their child's safety above their own, but that's just me.

 

These skin color issues among blacks is definitely counterproductive. Having been raised in America with a Black american mother and igbo Nigerian father, i have some interesting perspective when it comes to skin color by both groups. Skin colors issues among blacks in the United States and other parts of the western hemisphere is indeed deep, and it goes back to slavery, and the issues of discrimination in the western hemisphere or the Americas. Which is understandable from the hateful and insecure responses on this tread. However, what i noticed from my father relatives, it is more akin to blonds vs brunettes or redhead preference kind of thing. In other words, i would not be offended if someone past me off from these fair skinned southeastern nigerian guys.

http://habs.theoffside.com/files/2009/07/gooch070709.jpg
http://www.onlinenigeria.com/member/images/content/okon.jpg
http://www.naijarules.com/photo/data/514/lemar_2.jpg
http://i54.tinypic.com/x1m1qb.jpg

Eventhough the preference for these guys is rare among wW in Africa, i would not be offended if my fairer counterpart get that particular women eye rather than myself. Again, its not a big deal!

Nevertheless, after visiting my father family, this skin color issue thing is not a big deal, Yeah people do have preferences considering one particular human attribute more attractive than the other, but so what. In other words, you should not let others people preferences be a hinder to you, nor upset you. If you have self confidence within yourself none of this will matter.

BTW, none of the people i posted is mixed, they are African through and through. It is just the natural variations of African peeps.

 

See I was always under the impression that when you had your own family, everyone else instinctively knew that family will take precedent over them in situations like these... I see where you are coming from... I used have a very loving relationship with my Mother but now...I see her on a weekly basis and still couldn't give a fuck if she died.

So back on topic sort of...

Is their a such thing as an intimidating lightskin male? lol cism I know.

 

Anymore questions lol

 

I don't understand the bolded part. Why do the skin issues exist among blacks and what is the tie to slavery? Does that mean that these issues do not exist outside of America?

 

Skin color was used as a divisionist tactic to keep the lighter skinned blacks and darks blacks pitted against each other. If you have time take a look at the Willie Lynch papers.

These issues do exist in most places where people of African descent were enslaved and kept around a white populus.