I love good looking black men!

Oh swirl, I do adore you. We have had our moments, but I think very highly of you.

 

Again, great post, Swirl.

I wish I could say that I've had a great family experience. But I have seen first-hand how damaging a selfish, manipulative parent can be to a child's marriage.

 

Wow. Just....wow.

 

Sorry if you took it that way but when she makes a statement this is what a real man is like suggests those who don't share your views aren't real and since I'm the only male responding on this topic it would lead one to believe she was making an insult while complimenting you.

 

I'm not saying you meant to be insulting but when refer to maturity as a reason someone might hold their family in higher regard than a spouse it comes off that way.

 

If chose to get married it would be with someone who understood where I was coming from. We all live according to the principles we find to be true I guess. There's no one way to do things.

 

Sorry, the above post wasn't there when I wrote this:

I don't know if you plan to marry, DK, but, if this is the way you feel, imho, I don't think you should. And I don't say that to be ugly. All you have to do is pick up a newspaper and read the advice columns - they are filled with letters from people who have been hurt and disappointed by a spouse placing more importance on other relationships than the marital one.

 

:smt023

 

When you marry someone they are your family at that point. That is what your vows mean. A union a creation of a new family. So that part means they become one with you and you look out for each other and hold each other in the highest regard. Treat them as you treat yourself.

I believe you may have it backwards. You have wasted the time of a lot of women who you will never create a life with and respect as your equal. When you lay out your intentions as above you are the imposter, sir.

 

Truth. I don't plan to marry but all these single and divorced people telling you you're not allowed to marry because you love your mamma... Well LOLOL, that's all I can say. You said it perfectly: there is more than one way to do things. IF I marry it will be to someone who has the same values as me and isn't needy requiring me to put them above my son, mum and sister. I'm happy to be behind his kids, his mother or whatever.

 

One instance that comes to mind is relocating to an area away from your family.

On a personal note, when I was married, my husband was in the military. I often was in the middle between my mother and my husband when it came time to take leave. Not a good feeling. I needed to do what was best for my husband, son & I, and if that meant not making a trip home and going on a vacation instead, I would have appreciated her understanding, not petulance and snide remarks.

 

What if he held you as an equal?

 

And that is one of the things that make you such a good mother. I am going to follow your route.

 

Great post, Jordan. Want to rep people but my phone won't let me do it! Consider yourself repped.

 

OK, let's look at what was said, you offered an explanation of AGE as the reason why people like myself and others, feel as we do, and I responded with an alternate thought, that perhaps, it's MATURITY. Should I have thought that you were being insulting when you mentioned, age, I didn't, and you shouldn't look at maturity in that way either.

That said, if I look at my own experience. I left home to attend University when I was barely 16. I think that it takes a certain maturity to consciously decide to explore life on your own. There are others who may have taken different paths, but I think early maturation is a factor. In any of these cases, it created an independence and forced us to examine life more closely, including the kinds of relationships that were important to us. IMO, this difference in maturity may explain, in part, why some of us are willing to make the commitment to do what we believe is necessary to make a relationship successful from our perspectives.

Several times now you've also mentioned that the "first suspect" aspect of spousal relationships gives you pause. As a matter of fact, I think that you should recognize that the "first suspect" refers to those that are closest to the person. Often, it's a matter of cohabitation, as in the situation of spouses. Police look just as closely at parents and siblings IF they share the home or are caretakers of children or of parents or other relatives, just saying...

 

Lol I love that you called me sir. Btw that's what marriage means to you my friend. I never said that I wouldn't love them or put them in high regard. I just don't believe in making them my everything. Like Ches said earlier about moving for a spouse I couldn't do that. I would support them if they wanted to leave or keep it long distance but if I had a good stable job where I was I couldn't do it. Not to mention leaving the lives of my loved ones. One thing every girl can say about me that's been with me I am very loving considerate and good natured. One of my exes even complained on the forum about me sneaking money into her purse for gas because she was in grad working part time and I didn't want her wasting her money on coming to see me.
I'm no imposter.

 

I wish Chai still posted to comment on that but you might be right about the police thing. You might be right.
Leaving home at 16 doesn't always require maturity it might be necessity but that's your experience. Dude I'm not going to split hairs over what maturity means. As I said it again comes off as that father knows best persona you seem to project at least that's how I see it even though it may not be your intentions.
It comes off as grown people know how to stand on their own two and not cling to mommy and daddy. Just my take.
But like I said earlier we all follow the principles that seem to be true for us.

 

thank-you for saying that...your son is still young enough that if you meet someone wonderful i say go for it...the teens are tricky with all the hormones...peer pressure...friends...the route i am taking is not for everyone and friends of mine have very successfully united in a relationship with teenagers in the mix...i just couln't take a chance...he is that important to me...i have plenty of time to still embark on a relationship once my son starts college...

 

Lol you guys crack me up. Does co-dependancy come with age? The idea of being number one in someones life has never ever occured to me and you guys act like this shit is zero sum. Either you're number one or last.

 

You speak as if you are hiring a maid instead of taking a life partner. That's why. :smt102 And note partner signifies and equal. You both look out for each other.