Friends Versus Lovers, Marriage Partners and S.O.

It is a catch 22. If I'm being brutally honest with myself, part of me believes that at 53 and with MS no man would really love me and choose to be in a real relationship with me, and being open to the idea of a relationship would make me feel more vulnerable even than in the past. So I rather flippantly dismiss the idea and use the MS as an excuse. But I know in my heart that's only part of it - and that at least some days, the fear is the bigger factor.

But don't tell anyone there's actually a heart under my exterior. It'll be our secret ;-)

 

I absolutely agree. Perhaps it's because while we love our friends, we don't "fall in love" with them. While we share deep bonds with our friends, we're (typically) not intimate with them and so infidelity isn't an issue. We can accept differences in our friends more readily because we're not in partnership with them. And there's the old saying "Familiarity breeds contempt." The more we get to know someone and his/her faults, the more we tend to find fault. For some reason, we are more tolerant of our friends' faults than those of an intimate partner.

 

I wholeheartedly agree that you shouldn't look toward others to complete any aspect of you, as I mentioned somewhere along the way here. When I considered growth potential, it was not another person providing the potential, but the individual finding growth by being a position to understand their fears, communication, pride problems, head on, for perhaps the first time. It becomes a personal journey experienced through the relationship, related to the other person only in that he or she provides the backdrop for that analysis.

Isn't that the way of most of those we know, wanting to take the easy way out? People want a lot in life but aren't nearly as dedicated to doing what it takes to attain those rewards. Then, they're upset or sad with their lot in life.

As you stated, considering the size of marketing budgets, it must be effective. But, then, IMO Joe or Judy Average respond well to marketing influences. I'm sure the neither of us has to look far to see that politics is really a marketing job now, rather than a selection of the "best" candidate, of that standards of beauty are substantially the result of television and magazines. 30 years ago, the idea that ethic features, non-thin lips, fuller bottoms and curly hair, were unheard of. Now, plastic surgeons can't operate quickly enough.

 

Very well put. I think it is easier to see the faults of those we're closest to, for obvious reasons, but for me I am more accepting of the quirks in people that I truly love. To be more severe with those closest to us seems completely backassward to me, so I don't understand why people would be like that. I think loving someone means loving all of them, the good and the perceived bad, and if you can't manage that then you don't love them in the truest sense.

Well plastic surgery is lost on me too, so I'm not the right person to debate that. I think do things like that to suit yourself, but making 'improvements' of any type solely to please someone else, or to attain what others believe is attractive, is doing it for all the wrong reasons, and again it won't make you happy.

 

You've hit the nail right on the head, swirlman. Since two years ago, while I was undergoing some interpersonal evaluations relating to the meaning of friendship and relationship, I've realized that I have to be careful using those words. For me to use them interchangeably, we often muddle ourselves outright with such wording.

Furthermore, even with friendships there are complex matters since you would have to distinguish the labels: acquaintanceship, friend, best friend, etc.... Certainly, friendships are more simplistic, but we have to recognize that any form of kinship have layers as well.

 

Swirlman, this is a great topic! I have enjoyed reading everyone's post on here so far. Alot of thought has gone into the responses and I appreciate so much of what each of you has contributed thus far. Just wanted to say kudos to all on the insights. Good stuff! :smt038

 

I concur with you on this point. For me, familiarity brings more appreciation for those all the qualities I enjoy about my partner. I can't understand why you would look more critically at someone who you love. Rather, they might be a source of "cute" things that make them unique, but never a reason for being judgmental. As I stated earlier, I want someone who accepts me wholly, who realizes that everything about me makes up who I am, and so should be appreciated, if you love me. I'll sure feel the same way about you.

 

Thank you. I appreciate your kind words. It's nice to consider the nature of relationships on a site dedicated to relationships.

 

Yeah...it's pretty common these days. My friend's wife did that the first few dates they had because she'd heard he was kind of a player and didn't want it to go too fast. He waited her out because he was really interested, and they just got married last weekend.

No, but it's a little bit different of a situation, too. I sure wouldn't do that NOW, but when you're younger, you think it's a good idea.

Exactly!

 

Two down one more to go.

 

Hope your vitamins hold up!

 

Trix I can't lie all this running around is exhausting. Dating is for the young lol.
the first chick actually had coffee waiting for me. Major points with me. She's made it to round two. The second one lasted way longer than I planned. We upgraded from coffee to sushi and great conversation. She's made it to the next round. The third one is already at a disadvantage for the friends thing but she's the hottest so we'll see.
this should be a reality show lol.

 

OOOH! I want to be the host!

And yeah, that kind of dating is for the young. Not just the stamina, I don't have the patience!

 

In your Hugh Hefner voice.

You'll make it. Red bull.