DEBATE-Is it okay to hang out with your ex when you are in a relationship?

..whyyy?

 

I think your views won't be as liberal lol. Its cool we love you the way you are Whikle. Crazy and jealous as all hell

 

A bit of jealousy can be healthy.. But there's a difference between regularly seeing/speaking to your ex, and catching up with them occasionally.

 

I disagree that it shouldn't be a big deal. You guys were really good friends and if he's serious about the relationship with his new g/f, he shouldn't keep in contact with you.

And yes, moving on sucks.

It's not about an insecurity thing, it's more about respecting the relationship and keeping exes out of it. No one wants to hear about their ex when they're in a relationship and most people don't want to hear about an ex when they're starting a new relationship. More importantly, no one wants their exes still actively involved in their partner's life when they're in a relationship.

It would be different if you and him never had a relationship on a physical level. That, IMO would be the exception and more tolerable for people to deal with.

 

I hear you, but its not about "you" being secure in the new relationship, its about the new partner - if they don't want it, it should be respected or it will be a sore subject prone to arguments.
Sometimes it works, because the new partner and the X becomes friends and they see its nothing there... but its nothing one can expect. The new partner really has the say I think in this.
If they don't want it and I want to be with that person, I should respect that, no matter how comfortable and secure I am in my new relationship.

If the new partner is generally very jealous, that is another story. I think a txt or so every here and there to check if the person is ok is ok, but nothing beyond that. If more and the new partner is completely ok, we are either having a great relationship or the new partner don't give a shit what "you" do, and that - is not good.

 

But all those things you listed are related to insecurity. Otherwise, they'd just be like any other platonic friend.

Feelings that would make a person not want their partner to be in touch with an ex:
"They have history that we don't"
"They might still be attracted to them"
"They might still have feelings for them"
etc.

Fact is, when you're in a relationship with someone, you genuinely enjoy their company and like who they are (well I'd hope so anyway!)... so when you no longer want to continue a romantic relationship, it's natural to still have friendship feelings towards them.

Like I said, I've been on both sides so I understand what it's like. But in hindsight, knowing that I have zero romantic feelings towards my ex and purely would just like to catch up with him from a genuine interest in his life is enough to make me trust future boyfriends to talk to their exes occasionally.

 

That's what I mean, if the new partner is secure enough, it shouldn't be a big deal. And I agree, you have to respect that decision - and that's what I've done. He asked me not to call again and I haven't. I still lament that every now and then though.

And again, I'm talking about a catch up phone call occasionally, not regular lunches or something

 

I think the fact that you had sex with that person and were romantically involved, means that it is VERY likely there will still be feelings there and it's too dangerous to play with. I mean, you can't just switch these things off and even if YOU don't feel anything, it doesn't mean that the other person won't.

I think it really is more about respect, even if your new partner says they're cool with it.

But you can't blame people for being insecure about this stuff, I mean look at how often people cheat!

 

Very true, sin.

 

Damn Sin it's like you say what I'm thinking. Let's not forget people are more likely to cheat with someone they have a history with over a stranger. In my mind I don't get why keep in touch when you're the person in the new relationship. I personally talk to one ex but if I were with someone I would never talk to her.

 

Great post.

 

Uh...NO. Even if you have kids together, your interactions should only be civil interaction in dealing with questions about the kids, not kicking back and yucking it up or having fun together. I'm from the school of thought that "there's a reason they're called your 'exes', and not your 'currents'..."

 

Defend it all you want.

Fine, it's insecurity.

Most people don't trust some ex that they were fucking for years and had a great relationship coming around and "checking up" on them while they're in a new relationship.

 

It was the same thing I was saying.

 

Yeah. That's why it's insecurity

'Cept she didn't deny it was about insecurity, she said it's normal to feel insecure.

And I agree

 

p.s. not defending anything, I've stated a couple of times now that I see both sides of the discussion. Just talking it through :smt109

 

I disagree with that, sounds like unfinished business to me.

In general, I think it's something that's different for everyone, some people would be fine with it and as long as their partner is too, then great. Personally, I wouldn't consider it okay, but I'm friends with a lot of my exes(not in
a regular hanging-out kind of way though), so I suppose I'm kind of a hypocrite :smt005

I dunno, I don't think it makes people more likely/unlikely to cheat, I just think it's disrespectful to the new partner.

 

THAT was my point in the debate with my friend. Even if your partner is not thinking of them in a sexual manner, that doesn't mean that their ex is not. I feel if you love someone you make them comfortable.

 

My ex husband I am have 2 grown kids and a grandchild together. We do joint holidays and birthdays. We have both had our currents attend and we interact around our other family members and are polite, just as we would be to a dinner party guest and that is it. The reason we do this is because, we both want to be with our kids and don't want them to have to pick a parent.

Would I have a casaul lunch with him? Absolutely not. Would I have a lunch with him to discuss a crisis with one of the kids? Absolutely.

 

Replying to the question, I would say: No, I don't think it is.