"Why I must consider non-monogamy"

This is an interesting article- written by a woman- on potentially choosing to be in a marriage that is not monogamous. I thought it was nice to hear it from a woman's perspective, since we constantly hear about it from the men. I would personally choose an open or non-monogamous relationship if it were offered.

http://www.thefrisky.com/post/246-soap-box-why-i-must-consider-nonmonogamy/

 

Coming from a marriage where infidelity was a feature, I found that the infidelity wasn't the most difficult part to deal with. In fact, her need to sleep with someone else was almost a non-issue. Times and people change over the course of a relationship. The breakup of the family/social unit and the strains on access to my child were the most difficult. I had grown accustomed to seeing myself in the role of provider and support for both my son and my ex and losing that place and role was really rough.

I think a non-monogamous marriage is definitely an option that people should look at going forward. Loyalty should be to the family unit/children/etc, but no one should go around with the fantasy that one human will be able to meet every single need you have for 30-50 years, depending on how long you live.

 

I absolutely agree with you, orejon. I think that's where the 'honesty' part comes in. I'd rather KNOW what was happening than not, and have the option to do what I want. And funny, for the couples I know in open relationships, the option isn't always exercised...but having the outlet is nice.

 

No I would not consider an open marriage. It's not for me. But I don't live blindly either. Men and women both cheat but normally for different reasons. Men mostly cheat for physical reasons while women mostly cheat for emotional ones. Not to say the opposites don't occur. IMO if you KNOW you don't want to cheat you have to be practical about it. And that means you need not put your self in a position that you could fall prey. Especially if your a woman you need to keep a distance IMO from friendships with men you would be interested in if not for your marriage especially including x's. Not that you can be friends but limitations are best to keep an emotional attachment from occurring. With men IMO need to never be alone with another female nor have inappropriate conversations with a female and honestly physical attraction has nothing to do with it.

 

And the few non-monogamous relationships I know of (granted, it's not many), the couples seem to have a love that is stronger than and not dependent on maintaining constant sexual desire for each other. Thus, during the off-periods they behave more like best friends and that gets them through the ebbs and flows until desire returns.

 

w/o monogamy, what's the point of marriage.

 

At the risk of sounding like the sides of the gay marriage debate, marriage was always traditionally more about property transfer, child-rearing and the like, more than it was ever about emotional/sentimental love/eros (especially given the historical inequity between male and female social standing.

 

I personally only knew of 2. Both are now divorced. One of the marriages I knew of mostly brought women into their marriage. I was with them a couple of times. (Young and experimenting you know, but it made me so totally uncomfortable especially with the guy) but the woman was a bit jealous after she heard her husband speak about his enjoyment for me. But there was a few men they brought into their marriage too. She ended up leaving him for one of them.
I think it works for some and it doesn't for others just like monogamous marriages.

 

That sounds more like swinging or threesomes than what I was contemplating. I was thinking more of each partner having the ability to seek refuge when needed with another partner independent of the spouse. I may sound like I'm contradicting myself, but threesomes seem to be even more harmful. I think the "marriage bed" should be for just the couple, but that they can seek out others to fulfill these "needs" when they arise.

 

Yeah your right. I've never actually known anyone in the type of relationship you describe. As humans it's not only natural for us desire many different people at once but also to be jealous, so I don't truly think a non monogamous relationship will fix the problem you know what I mean.
I've often pondered the idea why so many men love to conquer as much pussy as they possibly can but yet and still want their woman to have been with as little as possible. I came to the conclusion it's a jealousy thing. People just don't want to share. They don't want others to have had what they now have and sometimes there lies insecurities about comparing themselves to ones past lovers.

 

I think it may appear like jealousy on the surface, but I think it's actually hardwired animal instinct. In many (but not all) species the male competes vigorously for access to a female and once she's inseminated, she's down until the gestation period is over. Meanwhile the male then moves on to seek multiple mating opportunities, which ensures gene pool diversity. The only difference now is that social conditions have allowed greater freedom for women to be their own sexual beings and we have decoupled reproduction from 'mating', so it's about pleasure, not just childbearing. Hence the woman need not be bound down at home while the male does as he pleases. Whatever the source, it's clear that the human species will have to adapt to new arrangements made possible by social and technological innovation.

 

Female animals might only have sex during breeding time, but they also have sex like crazy with many different suitors during that time. Both these examples go back to what I was saying about desiring many at the same time but I still don't see how that would make the male not want a female who has did the same. Take dogs for example. The male is ready to breed all the time with many different females. The female breeds with many different males during breeding time. Male dogs will fight each other to breed with the female.

 

Gotta be the best quote I've read regarding relationships in a long time. Bottom line is if you love each other, respect each other and want to be together, you've GOT to be able to speak openly with each other without fear of judgement or knee-jerk reactions. Doesn't even have to be in the context of sex. Putting unrealistic expectations and limitations on each other is setting yourselves up for failure.

 

The comparison to animals gets a bit tiresome, in my opinion. We're complex beings with so much more at stake, the comparison seems redundant.

 

Redundant or not it's factual. We maybe complex but the primal urges that have allowed our species to survive for eons is still ever present and can't be ignored. And FYI we are animals kid.

 

That's really what got me, too. I think people go straight to sex because that's the heart of most issues, but the fact is, if you can't tell someone the truth, why are you in a relationship with them? Although, I do understand that thanks to the media, society, etc. there are a lot of unrealistic expectations about relationships and what romance is supposed to mean and what it's supposed to represent. And men and women seem to be fed different sides to that story, which leads to a lot of confusion and hurt feelings.

 

agreed

 

I knew someone would say that and lo and behold, it's none other than ANDRAE

WTF does how cats and dogs mate have to do with human relationships?

 

I have always said that cheating is some place near the bottom of reasons why I would get divorced...

 

indeed people are tying to make up reasons why NOT to get married and blaming the institution of marriage instead of the two main reasons marriage fail.

1) people getting married too soon/for the wrong reasons
2) people giving up on marriage too soon