Anyone else refuse to date?

you seem to always be ducking and weaving karma

 

I don't understand the women (and men) who would introduce their kids to their dates right away.

I would never and have never done that. I try not to even talk on the phone with them when my daughter is awake.

No man is getting near my daughter until I've spent a sufficient amount of time with him and I can get a feel for whether or not I want him sticking around for the long-term.

I have said this before on here and I'll say it again - I will not have a parade of men around my daughter. Nor will I keep a man around who may treat me well but does not extend the same courtesy to her. She is my absolute number one priority. I am in charge of her health and physical and mental well-being and that is of utmost importance to me above all else. You treat her well, you get to stick around. You treat me well and don't treat her well, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.

That will forever be my policy.

 

you must spread rep blah blah blah...!!! brilliant post joanie :smt038:smt038

 

If we're talkin women in their late 20s to early 40s with kids... very few are looking to date for the sake of dating. For most, a serious relationship is their motivation.

I can't blame a woman for placing "father potential" as an important criteria in their choice of man. Why? because theyre putting their child's interest first. Some people feel its important to have a positive male figure in a child's life.

Does this mean the man on her radar has any obligation to oblige? No. This also doesnt even get into if this fictional woman is worth dating to begin with. Im just sayin that I can't at all knock a single mother for trying to kill two birds with one stone in her choice of man for the sake of her child.

 

absolutely is 100% important. i think having a strong male role model in my children's life is so important. they have plenty of women role models around them, but really only 2 male ones that are constantly in their life. i even went as far as making sure that in their first year of primary school they both had the only male teacher.

 

And you proudly wear them on your sleeve. Thats why we love u :smt058

 

Here's my question for those of you with kids. Do you guys ever find people willing to put your kids ahead of themselves?
My issue with dating women with kids is two fold.
1. I feel like I'm intruding on another's man family unless they are deceased. Say what you want but its hard to imagine being head of household where you have limits on how to run it. Meaning I doubt most of you would be ok with a non biological entity discipling your kids.

2. Having to constantly be around someone's ex. I guess for men with kids this might not be as big of problem because generally the kids don't live with you but for women its totally different. I do have a hard time seeing how you don't end up in self assigned exile.

 

Good questions. id like to hear the lady's take on this as well.

 

i just came back from a weeks holiday with friends who are newly married (coming up to 3 years this year). my gf has a daughter who is 8 from a previous relationship and they have 17 month old twin boys together.

1. i watched the man of the house interact with his step-daughter with love and care. he would tell her off for small things, but never raised his voice. for the bigger issues it was her mother that handled things. i think fanny that you will find that most households there is normally 1 parent who really handles the disciplining, and it's usually the one who is with the children more than the other parent.

2. you are not around someone's ex constantly, it really depends on the situation. for example, my ex comes in to the house to pick up the kids on a friday at 4pm...he'll stay for a beer with my dad and i (dad normally comes on a friday to hang with the kids after school) we'll all have a friendly chat and then he leaves. he'll drop them back on a sunday at 4pm will be in for maybe a minute or two so we can exchange any information, say our pleasantries to show the kids that we are friendly and then he leaves. so out of a fortnight lets say, you as my partner would see my ex for maybe 15 minutes. yes we all go to school functions together as it is important for the children to have both their parents around, but we hardly 'hang out'.

 

Fair enough I guess. I guess my issue stems from dating a girl with a kid last year and I always felt at anytime she was gonna bounce and be with her ex for the sake of the kid(having his dad live with them was better than not)
Also there were times the kid was an absolute asshole and I wanted to tell him knock it off but again not my kid so I kept my mouth shut.
It always felt like no matter how much time we all spent together I felt like a place holder for when the real family got back together.
Not to mention I quickly got tired of her "my kid comes first" speeches that would come out of nowhere(no duh).
But if you can make it work more power to you.

 

1. she shouldn't be dating if she was even considering going back to her ex at anytime. did she actually say that she was considering that, or was that your insecurities coming into play...???

2. telling the kid to knock it off is really up to her. i tell my friends children to knock it off, and them mine, but there is an understanding between us all and we've all know each others children for years.

3. there is no need for the 'my kid comes first' speech, that should be a given. the only time i will bring that out is if i'm getting a hard time about not being able to do something etc.

4. it's not about one person making it work, its about two people making it work. maybe that's where the relationship failed...???

 

I'll be honest it was probably more my insecurties but she did mention if the kid really wanted her and the father to get back together she didn't know what she'd do.

As far as telling her kid to knock it off I'm naturally a protector and I was raised with manners and I have a hard time watching kids act up which is why I usually stay away from the. This generation coming up has absolutely no respect( wow I'm officially old lol)

To be honest I was probably more in it than she was. She told me she loved me and all that horseshit but I think I made more of an effort.

 

1. If we're living as a family unit, then I would have no problems with the stepfather stepping in and disciplining my daughter when she's out of line. Like it or not, he'll be the more present (day-to-day) male figure in her life, so if he isn't allowed to discipline her when she needs it, then that takes away his authority in her eyes and that leads to nothing but problems.

And if we're already living as a family unit, then I have deemed him a good enough male figure to know right and wrong and trust him enough to not go over the line when disciplining his stepdaughter.

2. Even though her Dad lives about 5 blocks away from us at the moment, almost the only time she sees him, is when I drop her off at his house on his weekends. He is in no way constantly around. But he's there for her on the phone when she wants to talk to him.

And to answer what you addressed in your next post, I will make it perfectly clear to the man that I'm dating that I have no interest whatsoever in going back to the father of my daughter. I'd rather she grow up seeing what a healthy relationship is like than growing up in a bad environment. We were not good together as a couple and I would never put my daughter through that again. We are much better off as friends and that's all it will ever be.

I'd rather my daughter learn that it's okay to leave a bad relationship than stick it out for any reason or feel that she is ever stuck being unhappy.

 

Reading the whole kids and dating think got me thinking about how tricky it can be. Personally, I prefer dating a man with kids because generally, they are more understanding when I have family matters to deal with. My kids were 19 and 15 when the ex and I parted ways. I have introduced my kids to 2 people that I have been involved with and that is it, only the serious ones, and it will continue that way. When they were living with me, I dated when they were with their dad, Now that they are one their own, I am free to date whenever I want.

On the flip side, when I date men with kids, I tend to date ones who visit their kids and have teens, as I get along well and have patience with them. I would not discount a man with young kids, but don't want to raise them or disrespect their mom.

I have to disagree that women with kids just want a serious relationship and a replacement father. It depends on the woman. So far, I have been in love since my divorce, but marriage??? HELL NO!!!! Maybe in another 5 or so years with a man I completely love who wants no more kids and we can just enjoy each other. And yeah sometimes I just want to date and have fun, or just have fun. It isn't always about being someone's partner.

 

I can tell you this.....with regards to discipline short of making corrections, punishments (etc) there are only two people on this earth that will ever touch my children.

Me..and their mother. That is something I made clear to my wife, and I made crystal clear to my exwife's husband. And there has been times when Juniour probably deserved good swift kick. But it will never happen. And as far as my daughter. No man will every harm her as long as I'm breathing. hell I don't even spank my daughter.

Father not being in the house does not mean he gave away his rights as a parent, nor does it mean you can transfer those rights to another.

The love a man has for another woman's children is generally conditional, and that condition remains so long as the relationship remains.

 

By disciplining, I in no way meant hitting. Just to be clear on that.

But if she does something when I'm not around, he has permission to ground her.

 

so agree with the bolded parts ymra...!!! :smt045

 

That's why you my friend are ahead of the game.

 

This shit sounds way too complicated for my blood. I have yet to experience being in a relationship where its all about me and a chick. I definitely know I can't do baby daddy drama and kids. Simplicity is the fruit of the Gods for me.
I seriously commend you guys.

 

Thanks. But I somehow feel like I'm behind in the game. LOL.