How do you think divorce settlements should be handled???

I agree.

There are many reasons people stay in relationships like that. I can name some, as I was that person before.

Here are a few reasons off the top of my head: they have low self-esteem, they grew up in a controlling environment and they go with what they know, they don't love themselves enough.

After my last marriage ended, I knew that I had to come to terms with my relationship choices because if I kept blindly going I would risk endangering my life and the life of my daughter. I feel that my last marriage was a HUGE wake-up call to me to figure out why I chose the men I chose. I figured out part of the issue (my parents are extremely controlling). When you grow up in that type of environment, you tend to gravitate toward that type of environment as an adult. I understand that's not always the case, but for those who have never taken the time to figure themselves out, that can happen.

It happened to me, and it happened to every one of my siblings. I'm the only one who decided to rebel against that life. I won't live in that type of environment any longer.

 

Damn I need to hear some good examples asap. I'm a little depressed right now lol.

 

There's also pressure from outside influences, as well. My mom was adamant that I should not get a divorce, even though she saw how bad it was getting near the end (I was living with her on and off). Her reasons were religious.

There is also manipulation to consider. From an outside view it seems impossible that someone could stay with someone who is treating them so badly, but it doesn't start out that way. They slowly lead into the bad shit through years of manipulation and subtle abuse, wearing a person down until they don't even realize they're being mistreated. The direct their feelings towards themselves, being told and feeling like it's their own fault, they brought it on themselves, etc.

Quite often there is little support from the outside, as well, because people either don't know what's going on or don't want to get involved.

To this day there are many people who think my dad is an upstanding person. I can tell you that he is not, and the shit he put me and my family through as I was growing up was horrible. Yet I actually got in fights with kids who kept saying I shouldn't say bad things about my dad because they knew I was lying since he was such an awesome person. A girl smacked me once on the school bus because she said I should feel lucky to have such a good dad. While at home my dad destroyed everything he touched in drunken rage after drunken rage.

And so often I saw people shrink away from any sort of help because they didn't want themselves to be put in danger. It got to the point that we couldn't even stay with family because he'd hunt us down and take us home by force.

And that's another reason why women don't leave sometimes. Some of these guys will literally hunt you down. Domestic violence shelters operate on strict secrecy because all too often these men will stalk their girlfriends/wives/families and physically make them come back. I met a woman at one of these shelters when I was a kid. She was from California and had come all the way to WV just to get away from her husband. I'm not sure what ever happened to her but I do remember that the reason she'd came so far is because he'd already tracked her over multiple states to begin with.

Some stories of women who've dealt with these assholes
http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Personal/Stories.htm

"Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.



Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe."

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm



People often ask "Why not just leave???". Even if the partner isn't going to stalk you, to merely get up the nerve to leave after it's been beaten into your head how worthless you are, how no one else can ever love you, how ugly you are, etc...it's hard. They make you feel like the only person in the world who could ever even stand to be with you is them. Without them, you are nothing, and you'll never be able to survive without them. That's how they make you think. Yes, they -make- you think things. That's the manipulation I referred to.

It doesn't hurt that these guys tend to target women who already have issues with self esteem and shit, either. The weaker her mind, the easier she will be to dominate. That's why you see women who go from one abusive relationship to another. A victim has to break the cycle and learn her self worth before it can be fixed.

 

those things scream crazy to me. It is hard to understand why they stay in but im not in that situation but then again I can to some point. men stay in bad relationships all the time and suffer abuse but they dont see it and will not say it is because it would be seen as being weak