my dream woman

I think this is likely true. From Russia's post I can see that she and I think similarly about people in general, as do you and I. I am never rude to someone without provocation, nor am I guarded with them until I get to know them. So in that sense no one has to earn initial respect from me, I am respectful to people until they give me a reason not to be. My point was that if you don't treat me respectfully, I'm not bound to treat you with respect just because you are a woman, or a man, or my elder, or my friend. In that aspect respect is earned, not merely given just because of who or what you are.

BTW Russia, it's nice to see you posting again.

 

My mum, which is the wisest person I know, when I was undecided if I should stay with my 5 yr old relationship or not, told me: "Silvia, love is not enough". I think she was right. Love is no work, but a relationship... I think you need to make it work... not too much, or it means manyeb you 2 aren't meant to be, but a bit yes... sacrifice something, do something the other likes... It takes some effort because unfortunately we don't live in fairy tales...

 

Its weird because for me all the relationships in my life don't require work it just flows naturally. Being thoughtful and mindful of them is easy to me. I guess I come from a pov where if I have to work at it that its not working. But I guess that's just me.

 

Your Mum is right TS, sometimes love just isn't enough because everyone loves differently and if it's the selfish type of love then you've got a problem. If you both love each other purely, then it's not going to require work, sure you may have the occasional bump in the road that comes with two different people coexisting in one space, but really IMO if it's right it just works and it's almost effortless. I think a lot of people settle for someone who they know isn't really who their dream person would be, and then it's going to be work because in the back of their mind they always know this person isn't their ideal partner and they wonder if Mr. or Ms. Perfect is out there somewhere. Basically if the person isn't right for you and you try to make the best of it anyway, that's always going to require effort, and speaking from experience that gets old real fast.

I agree, if a relationship requires daily effort to maintain, it's not the relationship for me. I think your options are to settle for someone who has more pros than cons and expend the effort to make that work, or wait for the person with whom everything just falls into place and it seems effortless. Granted you run the risk of a really long wait, and perhaps you end up alone, but again speaking from experience alone beats miserable with the wrong person so that's a risk I'm more than willing to take. I don't do the whole if there are more pros than cons you make it work thing, that to me is just a nice way of saying that you're settling for less than what you know you want because it's easier. That's choosing something that mostly works because you've given up on finding someone that you really belong with, choosing comfort over passion. No thanks.

 

I think its a bit of sematics here..
I mean, obvously you shouldnt have to 'work' to keep someone.
However, I think you can not get lazy and take stuff for granted either and just stop doing things.. thats when you enter a dangerous area.
You have to make efforts and not just stop working on your relationship imo.

Relationships dont work on their own, it needs 'nutrition', you need to keep feeding it or it will die.

Now - working to keep someone, is another issue and then, they werent dedicated to you to begin witrh.

 

blood truly is thicker than water..where are the women that are comfortable with just 'being family?'(that is the purpose of relationships right, to become family..or is it just for sex and other bullshit) I swear you lot want too much. A guy doesnt have to work to keep his brother, or his cousin, so why should he have to work to keep his girl?

 

Ok help me out a little because I am apparently clueless on this subject. Feed a relationship how? Because anything I don't decide to do without pre planned thought just feels forced. Completely ingenuine.

 

That's the point I was trying to make earlier. If you have to work at it then it doesn't seem real to me. Think about the friendships that require unwanted effort because that's what work is. How long do those friendships last once they become work?

 

I see FG's point, but I don't agree completely. Personally if I love you, you are like family and I just naturally express that. It doesn't take an effort. I do understand that some people become complacent in relationships, take people for granted, but again that may just be symptomatic of them not being the best person for you in the first place. I'm certainly not an expert on the subject, I just know how I am and what works for me, and constantly needing to reassess and make an effort to keep someone else happy isn't going to work for me for very long at all, and if I knew that's what it would be like going in I'd just pass. I also don't expect a man to constantly work to figure out how to stay in my good graces, that's not necessary or desired, if you just being you isn't enough then you don't belong with me.

 

seriously man..i thought people entered relationships to become future family members. Maybe that's me and im just a little old school, and don't run through partners like spicy tacos through a butt-hole. family is there no matter what..why can't a partner be the same?

 

Because I guess they expect the romance to be constant forever but once you have kids and once you have to be around each other everyday I doubt that lasts. The biggest part of romantic feelings is the chance to miss each other and once you live together and become parents you're not going to be the same people. But I'm perfectly ok with that.

 

You cant just get lazy in a relationship and think its gonna stay alive if you dont do anything.
You have to make efforts for eachother, stay tuned to what they want and like and accomodate that. Just small things.
The moment you stop trying as you did earlier in the relationship, you run the risk of the other person not feeling loved or cared for or rsepected or whatever. Im not talking about working on keeping someone.

Many people stop all that effort once in a secure relationship, you cant.... you still have to make efforts.. say "i love you", maybe write a note, make dinner. go on dates etc..
You know the other persons likes (and dislikes) and how to make them happy, you can never forget that. Its about making sure the other person know that you care and think about him/her. It takes very little.

For example, If Im in a relationship for a long time, I cant forget to be a girlfriend... I would keep up with sexy underwear or dress in something I know you like on me. Make your favorite dinner or give you a massage if I know you like that bla bla. Not big things and not on a daily but we have to keep making efforts.

Am I clearer?? I think its a bit of sematics here what people mean with 'work'.

 

I guess for me all this stuff just comes natural and I don't have to think about it. I'm a romantic sap when I'm with someone so what you guys call work or even effort is just natural. If I choose you as my woman I'm gonna treat you as such, it makes me feel good about me. Sorry if I seemed difficult.

 

You hit the nail on the head FG. I think to some people that's not work, that's just what comes naturally to them when in a relationship with someone they love. I'm not the type to sit around and think 'what can I do to spice it up this week', I'm more inclined to just naturally be giving, supportive, and loving, so it's never work for me. It really is an effortless process with the right person. However I think that person has to be equally happy with you as you are or it doesn't work. Relationships where one or both people are always trying to change the other person, or expect them to be someone other than who they are will always require work because you spend more time trying to manage expectations and stay within the boundaries of what's acceptable. I've done that, I'm not ever doing it again because it's tiring and it's unfair to everyone. That is the only type of relationship that I find requires work for me.

 

wait wait slow your roll sugar momma..there's just a little too much estrogen in that post lol

but I figured it was something along the lines of that...you want your partner to 'work' (anyway you dress that poodle up, it's still a dog) so that you feel loved and cared for. Basically you want him to blow efforts on you so that you know he's not running around full of energy, macking other joints.

SMDH

 

Damn kid
:smt023

 

You can keep the romance alive, you just have to work a bit more at it.
Its not about quantity as you will have less of that once you have kids - its about quality and making just the littelest effort goes a long way.
IMO, you cant let romance completely die - thats dangerous.
Of course its going to go in waves, no doubt about it.
But you cant stop working at some level of riomance.

Why do you think you see old couples that been together for 60 years holding hands?? They managed to keep some level of romance alive, ask them.

 

I agree that I think we are having a wording problem here. Work is not always a negative thing, but I believe that some are using it to mean something negative. There are things that I love to do, and I enjoy putting the 'work' in to do them. For example, people work in their gardens and flower beds, but for them, it something that they love to do and they are willing to put forth the extra effort to have those beautiful fresh cut flowers in their house because they bring them pleasure. If they didn't love doing all that work, they wouldn't do it. They would cut them down, and either hire someone to do it or not do it at all.

When I'm with someone that I love, I put forth the extra effort (ie work) to be with them. I make time for him. I cook for him. I buy clothing that I know he will like. These are some of the things that I do to let him know that he's special and that he's always on my mind. I'm not working to keep him. I'm working to let him know how much I value him and that I'll never take him for granted. It's work to do all those things, but it's a work of love.

 

they're holding hands after 60 years because they love each other, and would ride or die for one another. That's what family does. Family don't need all that extra stuff.