Any Ideas?

Yeah, it's going to take more than 3 days and he can love it or hate it, I don't care.
I'm catching all the ultimatums, blackmail, double standards, manipulation attempts, the pot calling the kettle black, and mindfucking he's tryin' to pull and I don't respond well to that either.
He is so fried, it is boggling my mind. It's incredibly frustrating how clueless I think he's being about all of it, I don't even know where to begin.
It's funny how he says he doesn't want to have a finger pointing competition and I'm sure the reason why is because he knows if I point the finger at him, he knows I'll be right and he doesn't want to feel responsible.
I feel like he is being such a coward, because of him trying to pin all of it on me now and talking about me ending up being a liar because of things I've said about being with him No Matter What etc and how much he means to me, while he's said the same stuff to me just as much yet he's already guilty by choosing to embrace Islam knowing we wouldn't be able to be together, but he wants me to feel like it's my fault if we're not together any more because I can't embrace Islam? Not happening.
I think I'm just going to tell him how I feel and try to go from there. I'm not going to let him twist the stuff around on me like I feel he's trying to do. I feel like him saying:
"So if you willingly choose not to embrace Islam and you choose to believe in more than one god then you willingly choose a path that I cannot share with you and you willingly choose a lifestyle that you know I will not be a part of. So if you choose anything other than submission to Allah, is to willingly choose a future without me."
Pretty much sums it up. He's already willingly chosen to embrace Islam and already chosen a path he knew I wouldn't be able to share with him and he's already willingly chosen a lifestyle that he knows I can't be a part of. And by him choosing nothing but submission to Allah, he's already willingly chosen a future without me.
And if he doesn't pull his head out of his butt and we do break up, I'm not going to be friends. I know why he would want to remain friends, just because he will want to keep tabs on me, maybe keep me on the back burner incase he changes his mind, and so he won't feel that guilty. That stuff he said about if I decided not to help him or be there for him any more if we end up just being friends, then I was never his friend in the first place, is so sickeningly fucked up to me and just makes me feel like he just wants to use me. I don't know if there's any "going back" any more, after the things he's said anyway. And according to the laws of Islam or whatever, he's supposed to cut all ties with people like me anyway. So it doesn't even make sense for him to want to be friends. I'm not going to be friends with him so he can use me until he decides to remember that according to his faith he's supposed to cut all ties with nonbelievers. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. I'm tired of it.

LoL!

Oh okay, I really wasn't sure if you meant in general or not. I kind of thought you were, but just incase, I felt I should make that clear - what I said. No biggie

 

I think you're on the right path Britty. You should never try to be someone you aren't just to please someone else, and someone who truly loves you wouldn't expect you to. Since you've made a decision, let me say that the way he spoke to you is very demeaning, manipulative, and rude IMO. I don't believe in ultimatums, and like Tarshi I never respond positively too them. I pretty much always take the 'kiss my ass' approach. I think what you've decided will be best in the long run, but will still hurt for a while. But you're a strong person, you will get through it. :smt056

 

It looks like he has joined a cult like the nation of islam. If I were to respond, I would say this. Over the [insert time period], I have given you unconditional love and support through your tough times. I have chosen and accepted you as you are. My choice was made long before you decided to be affliated with this religion. It is not my choice but yours. I have chosen to accept you for who you are and you must now choose to accept and love me unconditionally for Who I am.


That's just me.

 

Co-sign to the Nth power!

Britty, you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and you've said in your last post everything I wanted to say to you but held back.

I'm happy to see that you're seeing through his passive-aggressive manipulative ways and see the message for what it is.

I'm sorry this is happening, but you're taking the correct approach (from where I'm standing it seems that way, anyway) and I'm happy to read what you will say to him.

He doesn't deserve you for treating you that way, and definitely, remaining friends with him, in the event he doesn't come to his senses and breaks up, will only harm you in the long run, because he'll be too close for you to be able to move on.

I hope that things work out for the best for you, Britty! Keep your chin up.

 

Thank you for your words Tarshi and the love and e-hugs :smt058

I agree that you should never try to be someone you aren't to please someone else, and someone who truly loves you wouldn't expect you to. I don't even care that he's Muslim, and I wouldn't have him try to change it if it makes him happy. I'm just upset over what it means for us as a couple and him trying to change me. If he could be a Muslim and still be with me as I am then I think everything would be peachy. But nooo, of all the religions in the world, he has to pick the one that is against our union because I'm not the same religion. I'm still just not sure what to say to him. I don't want to just be ranting and raving and going on and on and on all disorganized and rambling like I have on here in this thread, heh. But I want to address everything, yet I want to keep it short. I want to defend myself. I want to call him out. I want to argue with him and tell him he's wrong and why I feel that way. Then I wonder if I should even write him back at all and just let him figure it out. He is so full of stinking steaming shit! I agree that it's very demeaning, manipulative, and rude how he's talking to me too. Not that I'm innocent or perfect though, heh. I could say some things to him that would be considered those too. I am so sleepy right now. My eyes are burning.

If anyone is wondering about what he's talking about with being with a witch who believes in many gods or whatever he said. He's referring to when I had decided I was going to be Wiccan, which was around the same time he first decided (according to my knowledge) to be Muslim. But, turns out, that for me it was just a phase(?) a fleeting whim, and I eventually lost interest, and I told his damn ass that, but it's like he doesn't read everything I say because he's still talking about it.

Oh! And he always tries to tell me that he became Muslim for me. That he chose to become Muslim because it was the only way for him to become a better man for me. So he's like, "If I can do it for you, then you can do it for me too." OMG!! :smt091

And is drunk on the koolaide.

Maybe that'll be his next move if we make it through this one. Then he'll decide to join the Nation of Islam and then he'll have to break up with me because I'm a white devil and he'll be trying to get me to change my race or else we won't be able to be together. I wouldn't put it past him at this point any more.

I really like that and think it makes very good sense for what is going on. And short and simple and to the point - something I'm not very good at being at all, heh.

 

I agree that what Archangel wrote is really spectacularly applicable to your situation Britty. Get some sleep, this will still be here tomorrow for you to deal with.

 

Thanks Booksy, yeah, don't hold back because I'm probably already thinking it anyway. And it might help a bit if I knew it wasn't just me. I know I need some objectivity too. Because love is blind and stuff.

Yeah, it just really sucks though, coming from him. The way he is being right now. He's really thrown me for a loop. He's fried. I don't know what he is thinking. I don't even know him right now. I bet he really wants me to be Muslim with him and he doesn't know how else to go about it but try to be passive-aggressive and manipulative. I just thought he was a better man than that. Desperation? He's been brainwashed, now he's trying to brainwash me too. But I'm not going to be brainwashed.

Yeah, I can't believe this is happening. I really want to take the correct approach. I don't know what I am going to do yet though. I don't want things to get very ugly and I really feel like I could say such horrible ugly insulting and hurtful things to him. I am wounded. I imagine that I am going to moodswing and bounce back and forth a lot. It's not easy. I've always had him as a part of my life, if not the main part, besides myself. For almost half my life. All I do know for sure is I'm not going to be Muslim because that is just impossible no matter what, and if we break up, I'm not going to let him use me because he's in prison and wants mail and help with things and someone to talk to.

Yeah, if we be friends he'll be too close for me to move on. It might sound cheesy, but I've read about it before and I agree, like why people want to be "just friends" which I have already stated. I won't say that it's impossible for exes to be friends. But they say that first, it's best if you cut them off and sever all ties with them ASAP at first, then once you are confident you have moved on and still feel like you want to be friends with each other, then and only then, try and see what happens. Or something like that.

Thanks Booksy

 

I agree. I am going to copy it and use it, heh. But maybe add my own little spin on it. Or not. It's pretty spectacularly applicable already. I am going to sleep. At the same time, I don't want to go to sleep and lie there with my mind free to roam, in the dark all alone, but I should be tired enough from lack of sleep last time, that I'll just be out as soon as my head hits the pillow, that'd be nice. Hmm. I feel sick. Well, I'm off to the sweet release of sleep, hopefully. Unless, he decides to haunt me in my dreams which often happens when we're going through a fall out and have broken up in the past, ugh! I can't get a break. I'm going to pop a seroquel, just incase. :smt015
It's so weird because I feel like we've overcome things so much worse than this crap before. :smt011

 

I feel like such a dork loser. :smt086
Because I've been with the same one and only guy since I was 14 and even before him there wasn't any other "guy experience".
Now he's gone.
Now I'm lost. I let him become everything, my life, my world, the center of my whole universe, my identity. I lost myself in him and in our relationship. I don't even have any friends offline because I just lost touch with them all because I let him consume my whole life and always have all my undivided attention. (Not his doing or anything.)
I know that's unhealthy, but it happened anyway.
It was sooo easy to just shut out every other guy in existence. Now, I don't have a reason to do that any more. It was easier to be "taken". Now guys I used to know are finding out I'm single and I'm getting all this weird attention I'm not really accustomed to at all and I don't like it, well, sometimes I'm secretly delighted if he's cute, LoL, but still don't want anything to do with it. Sometimes it's like because I'm single now, I should automatically be with them? Like because I'm single I "owe it to them" or something. Like this one guy who used to be with a girl who used to be my bestfriend and he was like a brother to me, but I haven't seen him in years, sent me a message on Facebook after I changed my relationship status to single, and now he's all like, "So I see you're single now, we should get together sometime." Ew! And I don't even know what to say to him, I'm just a deer in headlights and afraid of hurting his feelings or something or to misinterpret what he actually means.
And it's like I've been in a coma since I was 14, and I just woke up and am this little 14 year old inexperienced virgin again or something. I might as well be a virgin again since I haven't had sex in over three years. I don't know how to talk to guys or flirt with guys or react to guys or behave around guys or how to date them or what they are talking about or how to just have fun with them or how to "read" them if he's not mine already. Not that I'm really thinking about other guys or dating yet anyway. But I still feel like such a dork loser and it's so awkward and embarrassing. It kind of makes me delirious [insert maniacal laughter and tears]. :smt043:smt089
I am just whining.

 

The guys who are worth it, will not be the ones who try to snatch you up the minute you're listed as single. The good ones will understand that you need time to process everything and realize that you're embarking on a brand new journey and will give you the space you need to figure things out.

You were in a very long relationship. You're going to feel this way for a bit. It's normal. You are most definitely NOT a loser.

You're going to need a lot of time off from men. It's going to take awhile to feel yourself again, but I know you will, and we'll all be giving you e-hugs whenever you need it.

Just take your time and maybe take baby steps at first to feel your way. I'm confident that you'll do it. And just know you always have us to lean on when you need it!!

*HUGS*

 

As someone close to your age, I can say that you have(hopefully) a long life ahead of you. I think your 20's is the time to get educated in what you will be doing for the rest of your life(supposedly) in a career.:smt012 You 30's is where you collect your wealth and late 30's and early 40's you start having children. It is probably for the best. You have no kids from the guy and aren't married. That means it is a clean break up. You have more time for you now because from what I know about you. You seem to have more problems than getting a man. I know I have more problems right now than getting a woman. Certainly figuring out an economical plan would be a good start as I am doing. You aren't a dork.

Just tell the guy that right now you are trying to figure out life(god knows I am ) and maybe later in time you could hook up.

 

Well my personal experience is that being in a long-term relationship pretty much mind fucks you Britty. You become accustomed to the 'we', and you sometimes lose the 'I'. When the relationship ends it takes some time to shift away from thinking of everything in terms of 'we'. I was married for over half my life, sound bad when I say it like that doesn't it? Anyway despite being beyond delighted when he left, I still caught myself thinking things like 'I can't do that because he won't agree to it' for months after he left. It wasn't conscious, it was that I got so used to always compromising what I wanted just to keep the peace for everyone else that it just became second nature to me, and it took some time to restructure my thinking.

It was literally like a prison sentence to me. I was certain I was stuck married to him for life and the day he got stupid and greedy and issued me an ultimatum, a 'you will do this or you will have to divorce me' type of choice, I seriously felt like my life sentence got commuted and here he was offering me a chance at parole, and I jumped at it instantly. I'm aware that probably sounds awful to some people, but it was nearly the happiest day of my life. Freedom is a beautiful thing, but like getting released from prison after a long sentence, sometimes it takes a bit of adjusting. One thing that I honestly believe helps is to focus on you for a while, don't really try to go into a new relationship. I think you need time to figure out who you are now and what you want. I know you'll be fine, and I suspect once you're past the rough spots, the grieving over the loss of what could have been, and the anger at the way he tried to force you to conform to what he wanted, you'll emerge a better, happier Britty.

 

You hit the nail on the head! I'm going to be reading that over and over and over and over and over.

You guys always know the right stuff to say. I love it.
Yeah, I'm not interested in getting a man, I just feel sort of "socially" inept and it got to me. I know before anything I am going to focus on tending to myself and all the numerous things that I need to do and should have already done in my life. And I don't want to make excuses but it's kind of like a big catch 22. I think a job is the first thing. But, I need money to get a car and car to get a job to get money for a car to get a job to get money to get a car to get a job and so on. I gotta figure it out. This is the longest I have ever been unemployed, going on two years :smt078, (I have my own apartment because I live in a place where they base your rent on your income and I don't have an income so I don't have rent) and my mom, who lives in the same apartment building in a different apt, helps me with the other stuff as much as she can which doesn't make me feel good at all to need her to do that. I've been trying though whenever I can. But yea, I am going to focus my attention on "catch up" because I'm really behind, I feel. I'm going to find Britty!

 

Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Espy never ceases to amaze me. Always knowing the right things to say too!
I moodswing a lot, heh. Like, sometimes I'll feel like I don't know how to live without him because he is practically "all I know" and missing him is really crushing sometimes :smt022 and I do grieve for what could have been and what I always thought would be. Yet, there are other times where I get all excited with this new freedom, even though I feel a little guilty sometimes for that too, but to have the ability to focus on me and to figure out who I am again and like all I have to worry about now is me now is something that I really need and it's refreshing. I can be selfish for once! Within reason, heh. And I'm just looking forward to seeing what all I can be. And getting there. A better, happier Britty. I bet I will be so awesome! LoL

And the little clock on this laptop in the bottom right corner says 11:26 PM, but I just looked at the clock on the wall that says 2:26 AM and now have realized the computer clock is way off :smt118 for some reason and that I need to go to bed. So I am going to do that. Thank you all for everything!! I'll be back tomorrow. Goodnight!! ***HUGS***

 

So, I got a letter back today responding to my breakup letter. And I'm like WTF?

First, he says:

Then! He says....

He drew a little sad face with tears at the end so I put that smiley there.

Sooo, he's saying goodbye, but he wishes we could be friends and temporarily get married so he can have sex with me (as a muslim he's not allowed to have sex unless he's married) and get me knocked up? Is that what I read?

:smt017

 

Yep, that's pretty much how I read it too Britty. I could provide a paraphrased translation of those two passages for you, but I'm not going to as that'd be ugly. So I'll just echo your thoughts with WTF?

 

Ok, I'm glad I'm not the only one WTF'ing.

 

Britty: I know it is hard - but you HAVE to get him out of your system.

What he writes is passive agressive behavior and seriously mind fucking you... he wants to make darn sure he has a hold of your feelings by writing what he did, he is putting guilt on you - on purpose.
Its his way to keep the door open. Dont fall for it.. it screams bs, I hate to tell you this.

DO NOT respond. If you need to, get someone to talk to. A priest could be very helpful if you find the right one.
Life isnt over.. try to condition yourself to look at this as a get out of jail free card (sorry for the analgy) - eventually, it sounds like it would have ended - better now.

You can play minds tricks with yourself to change your thouht process about this. As in make yourself think "good riddance" etc, eventually - it becomes true.
It will take time and you need to go through the mourning process.... that is exactly what this is. Sooner than yo uthink, you will look at this differently.


Cyber hugs to you my adoptee:smt039

 

That's what I was thinking. Passive aggressive mind fucking still. And/or trying to secure him some pussy ASAP for when he gets out. That "tryin' to make a baby" stuff was so low, I thought. Because he knows how much I've always wanted a baby. I think he was trying to appeal to that with saying that. I won't fall for it My mind is made up. I was just like "WTF?" heh. I'm not going to write him back.
I want/need someone who can love the way that I love and he is not it.
Thank you for the huggies my adopter! :heart:

 

Well look at you translating his bullshit prose perfectly all by yourself Britty! That was exactly what I got out of it too. Such a smart woman you are, just like I've been telling you all along. :smt023

This is not on you and he is just trying to make you feel that it is so he can manipulate you. He screwed this up, and the result is no Britty for him... he can just say bye, bye to his Little Ray of Sunshine. If he wants a easily controlled friend he can go adopt a dog from the pound, if he wants pussy he can hit up the local hookers... every town has them no matter how small... if he wants sympathy he can try the guy in the next cell cause he's sure not gonna find any from you.

Something that I always think is good advice:

"Never make someone your priority, when they only make you an option." - Unknown

You're on the right track Sweet Pea, just stick to it.