people who use kids as weapons on the other person. how to deal ?

Im sure everyone has gone thru this:

relationship is over and the other person for whatever reason use the kid(s) as a weapon/pawn on the other person.

1) it is ok to admit you did it and answer why. We will not be judgemental (1st rule. if someone acts up we will jump on them) this is adult convo. what made you lighten up

2) How do you engage the other person to get you to have access to the kid(s) w/o the courts. If you gone thru the courts what was it like adterwards.

3) IF YOU WENT THRU THE COURTS what doc's did you use to win

4) how did it affect the kid(s) later on

 

I haven't. lol I always found that knowing the person very well before having the kid is a very good idea. I'll watch the thread so that if I get into this one day I can use some of the advice.

 

1) i've never used my kids as a weapon.

my ex has at times tried to use them as weapons to keep me in line, for example if i'm not doing what he wants me to do he has been known to tell me that he'll apply for custody of them or joint custody. this used to scare me and i'd pull back inline. gone are the days though, as i stood up to him.

2) my ex and i went to a mediator, never saw lawyers and we drew up a parenting plan which we follow.

4) both my parents used me as a weapon when their marriage ended which was such a horrible experience...i've never truly forgiven them for it. because of this i made damn sure that i would never do that to my children. i get along with the ex's new girlfriend, and my ex and never quiz my children about their weekend after they've been with their father...if they want me to know something they'll tell me.

 

You're such a good mom.

Whilst I would never use my daughter as a weapon, my ex's ex used their son as a weapon. I came along and put a stop to that really quick.

And what reward did I get for that? I got threatened with being beat up by her and called a white trash whore. :smt043 It's fun to think about and laugh about now!

In the meantime, my stepson is doing much better off in school thanks to me stepping in and making sure he lived with us, where he got discipline. I'm not living there anymore, but he's still doing well, because his girlfriend's mom keeps him in line. My ex doesn't put much emphasis on schooling and he's not that involved in his son's life.

My stepson came over to my parents house last night to watch the fireworks we set off. So, he still feels comfortable around my family, which is good. And we welcome him whenever he wants to reach out to us.

 

My brother's paranoid bipolar schizophrenic lunatic whore wife uses their 2 children as weapons against him all the time. She's even gone so far as to accuse him of molesting his children in order to keep them from him while they were separated because he left her because she was fucking a bunch of random dudes. Of course he was eventually cleared of it because it wasn't true, but she succeeded in keeping their kids away from him for a few months. But, it's no use because my brother is a spineless bitch and is back with her now and I've washed my hands of them, except for my niece and nephew.

 

This is so sad...BF just went through this the other day.

Mom was like 'I'm sick of watching the kid. I've been here for A WHOLE DAY! I need a break!' (and threw in a bunch of other things about how it's amazing he never wants to see his son- despite the fact that the kid lives with BF and he sees him EVERY day but Sat/Sun because she wanted those days with the kiddo!)

BF said 'OK, usually you want to spend Saturday and Sunday with him, but OK, fine... I'll come get him, GF and I will bring him to the zoo.'

Mom says 'OK.'

BF shows up to his house to get his son, and they're both GONE. This was 12:30pm on Sunday. He spent the entire day trying to call her, call family to find out where she was, etc. She refused to answer any of his calls, and it took him calling the police to get any answers from her as to where she was. When the police found her, he went out there to get his son. That was almost MIDNIGHT. She'd pulled that crap all day long.

They never did a formal custody thing- she just didn't want to be a Mom and he took the boy at 5 mos and was like 'Yeah, we're done here. Clearly you don't want to be a Mom, and I'm not putting my son in a position to be neglected because you can't get your head on straight.' She never argued. Now, however, he's set the ball in motion to get full custody, and she's not gonna like it- but he feels like, next time, who knows where she could take him??

Ugh.

 

No. You must have had some kind of fucked up relationship with your ex based on your posts here.

 

WDF? I hope NOTTTT! :smt017

 

people say you dont know until you get into a deep relationship with a person to find out the true them. Sometimes you see the warning signs but you most or sometimes ignore them (for whatever reason) and it comes back to bite you.

 

I hope everyone does not go thru it. but the ones who break up with their other will more than likely will. that is why there are atty's out there because people are immature and selfish

 

Sadly when people get divorced often times they just want to hurt the other person, and they'll use whatever means are available to do that. Money and custody are the two most contested issues in a divorce, so those are what people choose to use to exact their retribution. That's not everyone, I wouldn't withhold my children from their father unless he posed a risk to their safety, and I know the single mothers here also don't do that. But sadly some people do precisely that, and it's disgusting to involve a child like that. They're children, frankly they shouldn't be involved in your divorce at all, you're both still their parents and they should never be made to choose sides. I work really hard to not make disparaging comments about my kid's father in their presence, primarily because they have a genetic tie to him and they know how deficient he is and I don't ever want them to feel deficient by proxy because they're related. He's very blatant with his disrespect for his children, so they couldn't overlook it if they tried, but I certainly am not going to feed it.

 

no doubt. have you known women personally who have done it ?

 

Nope. My parent's divorced and my mother never tried to keep me from my father, though she was quick to point out he never paid child support and she wasn't fond of him. I know a number of single parents who have primary custody of their children, both men and women, and I know of none who try to keep the kids from visiting the other parent. However in Oklahoma once a child reaches the age of 13, they can go before the judge and make their own wishes on visitation known, and the judge does actually consider that when making custody rulings. But unless one parent poses a threat to the children, or voluntarily gives up custody, some form of joint custody will be awarded. The courts here are very pro-father, my lawyer told me upfront that trying to get sole custody unless the father agreed would be impossible. It wasn't something I asked about mind you, but apparently she'd had clients who tried to go that route and were unsuccessful, so she tells all her clients to expect some type of joint custody arrangement. She also told me that custody is almost always the most difficult decision to reach an agreement on in a divorce, then comes money matters.

 

if people were half way smart they would just get along for fiscal purposes

 

Hahahahaha! One thing I've learned is that divorce makes people crazy, and if one party is reasonable and the other isn't, you aren't going to get anything accomplished. Honestly a lot of people I know just ended up giving in to crazy demands from their Ex just to get it over with.

 

LOL. I always wondered if the crazy person ever came back and apologized for that shit

 

I highly doubt it, they don't know they're the crazy one, they think you are!

Oklahoma has a planned parenting conference as a requirement of divorces that involve minor children and essentially you have to watch a video explaining how to behave in front of your children, and listen to the judge warn you to behave for an hour, and your divorce cannot proceed until they complete this PPC hearing. Unfortunately both parties are supposed to go to this hearing at the same time, so you have about 30 divorcing couples in one room at the same time, not the best plan really. The animosity in the room was oppressive. Fortunately I got lucky and my Ex no showed, so I didn't have to deal with him, but watching the other people was interesting for sure... if looks could kill.

 

I believe that it should be state law that people should have mandatory premarriage counselling and divorce counselling. one on one sessions. so people will learn how to get along. im sure the atty's will possibly hate it if I wrote the curriculium.

I would love to get married again (bw or ww I was married to a bw and she was an idiot. I did not find out until after 1 year of marriage) . I would take my time. I dated a woman (bw) for 6 years prior to this chick and she was great. I wanted to marry her but our values was different. I wanted kids and she didnt. she really didnot want to get married again . she just wanted to date. not me tho. I like dating but Im into having one woman and having a family.

I have learned thru various relationships on how to keep it hot but at the same time I have to learn to be a better me and continue to be better.

 

thanks darling and so are you....that little boy is very lucky to have you

 

Little boy? LOL.