Can I ask men a question?

Again... :shock: I'd think it'd be better to just ask, so you'll know.

Thank you for the explanation Archangel, but seriously how could you not want to know. I mean I wouldn't expect the average person to want every single detail on every single encounter, but a rough number might be good to know. But I suppose if there's no difference in your mind between 3 or 300, then it wouldn't be important.

 

I honestly don't want to know unless it is important(like stds or something else). I like to feel like I am the one and not the hundredth and one(exaggeration about 101).The truth is I find out sooner or later. My last ex told all about them and how they were jerks(domestic abuse, deadbeat dads). They made me look like the perfect b/f. Women will tell you. You don't have to ask. sooner or later the discussion comes up about your ex's.

how would the knowledge of the rough number help me? and how do you get a "rough" number?

 

Truthfully there's no way you could know. Its just better to ask yourself does it really matter because if it does good luck because there's no way to know unless its someone you've known your whole life.

 

I guess I'm just a full disclosure type of person. Someone told me once that they didn't ask the 'how many people have you been with' question because they might not like the answer, so best to not ask questions you really don't want the answer to. My first thought was, but I want the answer, I don't do the unknown, it really bugs me. Now I don't care if the number is 10 or 100, I just want to know.

I used the term 'rough number' because I'm thinking at some point you'd lose count if you'd been with a lot of partners. I'm not sure everyone would accurately keep track of each and every partner past say 30, 40, 50? That notch in the bedpost method isn't something everyone uses, and after a while I'd think keeping track would cease?

 

I used to care about a partner's number, but I'm with the guys. I'll make sure to inquire about possible STDs and that's it.

At a certain age, you just realize, who cares? I can't worry about how many women my man has been with before me. I just want to know that it's "safe" to be with him, and that's all I care about anymore.

 

Ah, so you're assuming everyone lies about it? I would hope if you plan to be in a relationship with someone that you can trust them to be honest with you. I would never lie about that, in fact I have trouble lying about anything, it really serves no purpose. It's like false advertising, and I want anyone I'm involved with to have all the information they need to make an informed decision.

 

I think everyone lies out of fear. For most we are all afraid of being judged and not being with who we want to be with. Unfortunately most people are extremely judgemental so I get the fear nd expect people to act out of fear

 

I don't lie period. You ask me a question, you either get an honest answer or I'm gonna tell you it's none of your damn business in the first place. Therefore if I ask you a question, I expect an equally honest answer. You're a man, I fully expect you to have had more partners than me, and frankly how many doesn't matter to me in the least, you could tell me the number was 500 and it wouldn't put me off because it's in the past, and presumably I'd be in the present and future so none of that should matter. Like Bookie said, I'd want to know safety based issues primarily, but also I'd like to think if I'm going to spend any significant amount of my time with you that there is nothing you couldn't tell me. No secrets, no lies, that's how I would want it. I want to know your fears, your fantasies, your deepest, darkest thoughts... how else am I to address or fulfill those?

 

I agree Esp but unfortunately most people don't have the confidence that if they tell the truth the other person will stay in the room.

 

Well that's just sad, and people wonder why relationships don't work out. If you base it on a lie, and you fear you can't actually be honest with the other person, why the hell would you think that would lead to a strong relationship?

 

Really, I agree. I am not standing up for all the hoe's either. It's just what does knowing that number get you?

I have a friend who is the queen of sleeping with lots of different guys in her younger years. She is so not like that now. So if she said I slept with more than 50 guys and I said I slept with less than 50 does that make one of us the nicer person. Really no.

 

I agree with you Jordan, but to me it's not about judging the other person on how low, or high the number is, because I wouldn't do that to anyone. I just really feel like complete honesty is the best policy. Maybe I'm being naive in thinking that two people ought to be able to be honest with each other without being judgmental?

 

Well sadly, I am sort of the opposite. If I heard someone slept with 50 people, I'd be thinking holy crap that is a lot and possibly end the relationship if not attached.

 

Well if that's something you can't accept, that's your prerogative Archangel. That's certainly better than staying, but always holding that over their head, or using it as an 'I'm better than you' type thing.

I think there are some people who absolutely would prefer to take the 'what I don't know won't hurt me' approach. However there are also some that would always prefer the truth, no matter what it is. I would never prefer blissful ignorance to bitter truth.

 

For me, it's not about the fear of being judged for my number.

It's more about the fact that before it was a huge issue for me, and when I dated the fireman and neglected to even bring it up in conversation, I realized that it had stopped being important to me.

If it comes up in conversation, I'll obviously talk about it, but if it never does, it really doesn't matter to me. And I don't think it's about full disclosure or lack thereof, it's more about, what's done is done, it shouldn't affect my current relationship (as long as he is healthy and doesn't have an STD).

 

See I guess that's the thing, it wouldn't for me, regardless of what he told me. Everyone gets a clean slate going into a relationship with me, I can't imagine holding anything from their past against them. I don't judge people, because it really is impossible to know how you would have reacted to any situation unless you were in the exact same circumstances, and that almost never happens. I think if you plan to be in a relationship with someone, you can't hold the past against them because it's the past. People change, hopefully they grow and learn along the way, that's all that really matters. Ultimately if you want to be part of their future, I don't see why anything, or anyone, they did in the past matters.

 

It doesn't. Which is why that question doesn't come up for me anymore. If my significant other wants to talk about it, then I'll talk about it. If the conversation someday flows to that direction, I won't change the subject, but I won't flat out ask the question.

 

lippy doesn't need to know and doesn't want to know...it is the past...i would rather leave it in the past and move forward...i don't think starting a relationship by hashing over the past does anybody any good other than plant seeds of doubt...the man i am with should know that whoever came before him (no pun intended) is now a distant memory...i am interested in making new memories... a future:smt050

 

You're not naive Esp just optimistic and unfortunately people lean towards pessamism more often.

 

:smt058 Thanks babe. I actually consider myself a realist, but I sometimes lack common sense, this is perhaps one of those times.