Growing up without a father and today

if you grew up without a dad then how did it affect you today ?

 

I can only imagine how bad it would have been for me if I didn't have a dad for most of my childhood. My mother would not be able to take care of any sons. Everything seemed to turn out for the best I guess.

 

Both of my parent's were woefully deficient in the raising children department, and I rarely saw my father after age 9, maybe 10 times in the next 30 years. I don't see any negative effect from it, personally I think lacking parental support made me a strong, organized and self-sufficient individual because I didn't have any other choice. I did have a strong male influence in my life as a child by way of my maternal grandfather, though that ended when I was 15. I do feel that I benefited from my time with him immeasurably.

I think father's can be tremendously beneficial to a child's live, every bit as important as mother's can be. However, in the absence of one or both, some children will still do well. Honestly no parent at all is better than an unloving, indifferent, or hurtful one IMO.

 

It doesn't.
Well, it kind of sucks not knowing all of my family's medical history but that's about it.

 

I had a similar upbringing... and it certainly made me strong, independent and organized.
Single mom.. my dad was not in my life whatsoever until I was an adult.
I did have a step-dad from the age of 7 but he was not capable of any support in any way, shape or form.
Mom had a career and traveled quite a bit so I pretty much raised myself. and moved out at 15.
I never had a male role-model and no restrictions or rules growing up.
I came and went as I pleased and had to manage my own food from a very early age.. granted I was a key latch kid from the age of 6 so I was used to taking care of myself and wasnt scared of it or anything else.

I certainly suffered from bad decissions and no guidance etc but in the end, Im just fine. I gotten over my anger and hang-ups and insecurities a long time ago. I had a wake up call in my mid 20s and went on the straight and narrow after that.
Im not sure if the lack of a fatherfigure affected me.. maybe in my poor choices of bf when I was young and the anger I had as a kid/teenager, but other than that.. I dont know. I have made peace with it.

 

You know sometimes it's just frightening how similar we are FG. I also left home at 15 and have been on my own since. Even when I was young, I had to fend for myself most of the time, as well as manage the household after my parent's divorced when I was 9. Then there was the slightly less enlightened phase from 14 to around 18, during which I was not a nice person and did a whole lot of stuff I know better than to do now. We actually have a startling amount in common FG, maybe that's why we think a lot alike on a lot of subjects? Very interesting.

 

it is scary!!!
Im lauging at the slightly less enlightend phase. Sure had that! I was angry, selfdestructive and had a very heartless streak.
Maybe thats why Im mostly all rainbows and puppies these days - I ran out of nasty. HAHA.

 

You know I wasn't angry at anyone else, unless they said something hateful and then I just thought it was my duty to shut their mouths. I wasn't heartless either, except to the people's whose mouths I shut, and I really didn't give any thought to them at all. Like I said I was unenlightened, I'm more evolved now, and I keep that Espy under tight control. You actually really have to push me hard to bring out the nastiness, but back then I was really predictable and my buttons were easy to push. We should swap stories sometime, they are probably really similar.

 

And upon what are you basing this BMJ? Personal observation, or is there some study I'm unaware of?

 

There we differ... I was one of those your parents warned their kids about, not proud of it - but its the truth. These days it takes an awful lot to cross me but its there if I need it

 

so what rhymes with action slaughter? ardon my slowness

 

Who am I gonna poll? You brought it up, so I figure go to the source.

 

My parents got divorced when I was four. They actually announced this to me on my fourth birthday and it's one of my earliest memories, unfortunately.
My mum had a string of bad relationships and awful boyfriends from then on. She is married now and has been married to my stepdad for over ten years, but unfortunately he has not been a father figure to me in the slightest. It's only really in the past three years that we've even started spending any time together, and even that is only because we go to football games.

I've grown up without a male role model. In fact, the adult men in my childhood have ranged from woman beaters, alcoholics, child molesters and criminals. One man was even heavily involved in the mafia.
I have been very independant from a young age. I started getting the bus across town by myself at the age of 8 to go to school. I started cooking for myself from the same age. I've been my mum's shrink from the age of thirteen.
I won't lie, it has been very difficult sometimes but I've come out as a pretty stable person and in respect to family, I have very strong morals and values.

Of course, at times I've been envious of friends who have been brought up in a two-parent household but to be perfectly honest, it hasn't had a hugely negative impact on me. It made me grow up quicker, but apart from that I don't really hold any resentment towards men or anything like that. The only thing that having grown up without a dad has made me want is to not be a single parent. I know it's impossible to predict how relationships turn out but I certainly don't feel confident enough to raise a child with an absent father.

 

I was raised by two black women who always gave me guidance, advice, and support whenever possible. From the time I came into this world they saw it as their mission to turn a pawn into a king as opposed to a queen.

They also told me what I needed to know about women and what makes them tick.;-)

 

:smt038

This makes me feel better about raising my son with an absent father (he comes and goes... sigh). As a female you worry you won't be able to teach them "how to be a man" if you will but it looks as if the two women in your life did a great job.

 

I understand your worry LS, but honestly an absent father beats a shitty one. There is no reason a woman can't raise a boy to be a man. My Ex has nothing to do with the kids, and honestly that's a plus in his case. But it has in no way affected my ability to raise my son. You just have to function as both father and mother, and mostly that means you have to establish the type of relationship where your son feels comfortable talking to you about things he'd normally prefer to ask a male. My son and I discuss everything, and he knows he can bring up anything and not get in trouble for asking. He also knows he'll get an answer. I have never told him he shouldn't ask, or that there are things he can't discuss with me because I'm female, because I'm all he has and so that's just got to work. He's a good kid, he is 10 times the man his father ever could be, and I have absolutely no doubt he's going to be a good man. In the end it's really not the number of parents that matters, it's the amount of love you share.

 

My question to the astute panel is this>... have we ever had a chance to ask why the fathers were never in our lives ?

I can probably tell you from personal experience.. also are their any fathers here who are divorced or had never been married but have a child ?

I talked to plenty of fathers and they get a lot of push back from the mothers to have a relationship with the child. they got to court ect..... why would a woman put a man thru that cr** and then run around and say he aint sh** because he aint spending time with the child ? I have seen the moms do that but they did not know I knew the other side of the story.

 

Yes I understand why my father was not a part of my life, he was a very unemotional person who felt no tie to any other human being, including his own offspring. It simply wasn't something he wanted to direct any time to. He was completely lost in his own world, and just didn't have time for anyone else in there. He was an odd man by most people's standards, but I understood him and I know it wasn't a personal slight to me, that's just how he was made. I loved my father, and I know he loved me in his own way, it just wasn't the way most human beings show love.

I also understand why my Ex chooses to have nothing to do with his children. He's a very selfish man, and he cannot stand not being the center of everyone's universe, and he feels his children detract from that. It's a competition in his mind, and he refuses to share the spotlight. He could literally see the children every day if he wanted to, he lives 15 minutes from my house and I would never not allow him to see them if they wanted to see him. However, that just doesn't interest him. If you can't do something for him, benefit him in some way, he has no interest in spending time with you, he views that as a waste.

Personally I think anyone who tries to keep a child from seeing a parent for any reason, other than the safety of the child, is deplorable. I don't care if they pay child support or not, if they have a job, or if they have a home, they should still be able to be a part of their child's life.

 

yeah the problem is that we are very quick and very often throw men under the bus in the media for not spending time with the kids and/or paying child support BUT there is not any news specials on the women keeping the kids away from the fathers.

I hate to here that men are not spending time with the kids because it shows immaturity also for the woman to keep the kids from the father. It is a sign of immaturity on both sides

 

I know people who don't allow their ex to spend time with the kids if they aren't current on child support, and that's men and women as there are plenty of women who have to pay child support. Again I don't agree with that personally, though I understand that single parents often depend upon child support, having a presence in your child's life shouldn't be contingent upon whether you can afford that. I know plenty of people can afford child support and simply refuse to pay, and again I think that's also deplorable, if you can afford it why wouldn't you want to contribute to your child's needs? There are so many variables that factor into custody, but bottomline, if the non-custodial parent is not a danger to the child, then they should be a part of the child's life. You don't need a job or a permanent residence to be a parent, it may restrict what you can do with your children, but you can still give them your time, that costs you nothing and benefits them immensely.

It's sad to me that anyone would choose not to see their child, as a mother I just cannot understand that. If my children weren't with me every day, I'd call them just to see how their day was. It's inconceivable to me to not see or speak to them for months, or years at a time, I just really am at a complete loss to grasp that, it's not like it takes a massive effort if no one is opposing you. My Ex finally came to pickup the rest of his stuff this morning, he didn't so much as say hello to either of the kids, nor did he ask to see them... and he was at my house so it's not like it was inconvenient. :smt011