Friends ? ass-kissing or saboteurs

Espy and I got into a convo about friends and being "normal".

here is the convo:

Quote:
Originally Posted by goodlove
speaking as a nerd....i think it takes more guts being one because you are not putting up a front. a nerd is what he is. now that is confidence.

being nice and being a pushover is 2 different things. so is being modest and being an ass. nice is modest.

cool people/nice/modest lay back in the cut.

I suppose anytime someone goes against the grain, or defies the norm, that would be termed courageous. I think being content to be who you are no matter who is watching, and in fact not caring at all what other's opinions of you are, would therefore also be considered courageous. That's not a facet of this particular discussion that I would have considered on my own goodlove, but I see the validity to your line of thinking on this.

I've never been afraid to color outside the lines, in fact I was always encouraged to do so, therefore that's 'normal' to me. I think it's abnormal to try to conform to standards set by other people, or to suck up to someone for any reason, I just never saw the point. In fact people who kiss ass all the time confuse me, and people who like to have their ass kissed are even more confusing. Why on God's green Earth would I want a bunch of people telling me what they know I want to hear, that's not productive. Not to mention if that was a requirement of the people I interacted with, how would I ever truly know who liked me for me, or who was just kissing my ass? I can honestly say that whatever someone thinks of me, whether good or bad, I don't have to question whether it's genuine. That would drive me crazy, wondering all the time who was an actual friend, who just wanted something from me, and who was sucking up just so they didn't have to deal with my reaction if they didn't. That'd be exhausting!

Whew, okay that was a tad bit off track... but goodlove started it. Not his fault though, his commented just prompted me to consider that whole 'doing whatever necessary to just fit in, or to be popular' mentality that nerds don't subscribe to.
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lets put down some good game on how to choose friends and what friends should be.

 

friends should always tell the truth even if it stings a bit...you are not helping your friends by pandering to them...if you tell the truth you don't have to keep track of your own lies...

friends should sometimes just listen...be understanding...friends that push their agenda all the time thinking they know everything gets old really really fast

friends know when to let someone else shine...they don't always feel the need to steal someone elses thunder or come to the party with a wet blanket

friendship is a two way street...similar to relationships...it should never be one-sided...volunteer work should not be confused with friendship...

there are different kinds of friends and friendship levels depending on work, family, neighborhood, sports, activities, interests etc

i have a friend that i go to garage sales and dumpster diving with...another that i go shopping with...girlfriends that like to just come hangout in the backyard listen to music and enjoy the outdoors...roadtrip friends and vacation destination friends...mothers of my son's friends...cry on each others shoulders friends

maybe i compartmentalize friends but it does really help me keep perspective in my life and also fuel these relationships...

 

I take my friendships very seriously. I think being able to tell your friends the truth and them do the same in return, is part of being a good friend. Dishonesty in a friendship doesn't equate to a good friendship and nothing I want to be a part of. I don't go around making any old body my friend either. I don't trust people easily, so the friendship almost has to be earned. Without honesty, trust and camaraderie, what do you have? Not a friend...

 

I don't kiss anyone's ass and I sure don't want anyone kissing mine, I like people who are genuine. I'm pleasant with everyone until they give me a reason not to be. Therefore I form friendships fairly easily. As long as people are honest and open with me, I'm the same with them to a point. I pretty much don't share my deepest, darkest thoughts with anyone but God... I'm very guarded in that respect, however people do that with me all the time. I think a friend takes the knowledge they have of you and guards it with their honor, they don't use it against you, or gossip about you.

A friend rejoices in your triumphs, and mourns your tragedies with you... if it's the other way around they are not your friend. They also aren't fickle, they stand by you even when they don't agree with you. I don't like hypocrites, bullies, or people who play games... those people get cut off immediately. I'm just not wasting my time on anyone like that.

I'm not perfect, and I sure don't expect anyone else to be, but if you take joy in picking on other people, or seeing them struggle, we are not going to get along and I'm going to call you on it. If you're truly someone I consider a friend, you're like family and you get all that goes along with that... my love, my support, my assistance, and I will come to your defense whenever needed.

 

like the other ladies who have responded, i take my friendships very seriously. i have a family that aren't very close, so to me my friends and a lot of their family are my family. friendships should never be taken for granted and must always be open and honest, with a lot of love and respect shown at all times. i'm always telling my friends how much i love and appreciate them because i understand that the love and support i receive from them is vital for my wellbeing.

i consider myself a very open and friendly person, so like espy i make friends rather easily...and once you become a trusted and true friend you are more than likely going to be in my life forever and know my deepest and darkest thoughts. i still have childhood friends in my life that i've known since i was 6 years of age.

 

I have very few people I consider friends. I have a lot of acquaintances, but most people don't really know who I am on the inside.

There are 2 people in my life that have almost full access to the inner me. They're my friends Bob and Nick. I know that I can tell either one of them just about anything about me, what I'm thinking, how I'm feeling, and neither will judge me. My friend Nick and I are kindred spirits. We've experienced a lot of the same things, and we probably have the strongest bond I've ever had with anyone in my life.

That being said, I have different levels of friends and a lot of acquaintances. Some know me better than others.

Why do I operate this way? Because I've been hurt so much in the past by people I had considered friends that I've built a huge wall around me and I tend to feel the vibes people give off to determine if I should trust them further. Then I'll let them in inch by inch and gauge how well they take to knowing me.

It sucks to have to do that. But I'm tired of being "dumped" by people I had considered friends.

I'm pretty much a loner, though. There are times I envy the people who seem to have friends coming out of their ears and always have plans with this friend and that friend. But most of the time, I enjoy the solitude. I seek people out when I need them.

That kind of makes me a weird friend for others, though. Which is probably why many friends view me as "expendable". Which, let me tell you, is the most soul-crushing experience, and it's happened to me on several occasions, hence the wall. LOL.

So I guess for me, a true friend would be someone who understands me and understands my need for solitude most of the time and can accept me for my differences.

But I'm a genuine person who will be there for you when you need me. Who you can call on for a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear. I won't judge you. I won't laugh at you. I'm about as real as they come, and if I consider you a friend, that means you've broken down a large portion of the wall I put up, and that doesn't happen very often. :smt023

 

self realization is the key to alot of things.

 

It is not the number of friends you have it is the quality of the relationships. I will say this I understand your pain. as you have read my other thread....I think I called why I hate G-d or something to that effect. that thread is another misunderstood thread only a handful of people caught what I was trying to convey. One of which you are discussing now is betrayal and disappointment....from friends and love ones thus your wall. That thread and this thread is to discuss that among other things we can cover within this thread.

You have hit on something that is very important and took it to another whole new apogee.

we need to discuss that issue along with honest critiques so you or your friend can have a life of blithe.

 

how do you tell the truth without hurting their feelings and give us an example if possible

 

Amen

 

Some examples:

Friend #1: We're about to go out and she asks my opinion on her outfit. She says, "How does this look?" I'll let her know and give my opinion.

Friend #2: About to call their ex who isn't really showing the same reciprocity. I'll tell them that I don't think they should call their ex cause they'd be playing themselves and they'd look bad. I don't want them to do that.

I think it's looking out for their best interest and I'd expect the same in return.