Just sick to death of the same old, same old...

This is mostly to vent, because I am really frustrated and apparently nothing I say is getting through.

You guys have heard me talk about my Mom from time to time, and if you haven't, well, here's a little background....

Mom= Tea bagging conservative racist psycho
Me= Not.

I started seeing my friend S. at the end of last month- we've been friends for nearly four years, even though we lost track of each other for about a year. We caught back up after my ex and I split, and we spent a lot of time together (usually me going 'I'm not dating...stay away! stay away!') until I eventually realized that I was being stupid and missing out on something potentially great.

Last weekend, I had my big housewarming party, and S. was there along with a bunch of co-workers, family, and friends. My Mom met S. for the first time, and my Dad got re-acquainted.

Two days later, I was texting my Dad about some things, and he asked me about S. and apparently it wasn't clear that S. and I were seeing each other. Not that it mattered to my Dad, but he and I are pretty close and I tend to keep him in the loop, so to speak. Well, he tells me 'Your mother is not going to be happy you know.' Yup. I know Dad. Don't really care.

Five minutes later, I get a phone call from my Mother. I was in the middle of signing the papers on my new car, and she starts off saying 'Don't sign anything until you call X.' so I'm like 'Yeah, Ok. Why do you sound so angry?' "Nothing. It's not important."....."No, Mom. Why are you so angry??" and then she goes off on a tirade asking me if S. is my 'boyfriend' and if he is, why I continue to be stupid and do this to her. She's sick and tired of me being stupid, and at this point, she SWEARS I am doing all of this JUST to SPITE HER. Then, hangs up on me.

Um, really?

OK, it's not my issue- it's HER issue. I keep my distance from her, generally, because we don't get along very well. She thinks she knows everything about everything, and the fact that she's extremely racist doesn't sit well with me.

S. was awesome, and he did bring up the fact that she's looking at it in terms of the last few relationships I had with BM were less than stellar.
B. beat me within an inch of my life several times over the year and a half we were together until my family got me away from him. I had to file bankruptcy because of him.

M. was just sort of a lying, cheating, jerk who had some growing up to do.

D., my most recent ex, seemed OK, even though on our one year anniversary as we were getting ready to go to a big formal dance downtown, he left a note on my car breaking up with me because he couldn't 'go through' with the night knowing his ex-wife might be there (he had anxiety issues). We were talking about getting married, and that was a tough convo to have with my Mom. Well, two weeks ago I find out that in the five months since we split, he has at least one kid with some woman. So, he was apparently a really charming lying, cheating, jerk.

However, I have not been limited to dating just jerky BM...I've dated plenty of jerky men in general. Just the way it goes. You gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you can meet and appreciate a prince. My mother, however, looks at the three examples above and paints everyone with the same brush, and I'm just friggin' sick of it. We were in the car not two weeks ago when she was throwing the "n" word around and I told her off.

Short of cutting off contact with her completely, which would really be impossible, and S. thinks would be a little over the top because it's my mother, but I'm not sure what to do. I am so frustrated because she says nasty things and I can't help but want to respond because it's so enraging and ignorant sounding.

And I want to point out that NOT seeing S. is simply not an option for me, either- I think she knows that and is more frustrated by it. Some of her comments about it are just wonderful ("Where did I go wrong with you? I thought I was a better parent....", "You were always so smart when you were younger, I wish I could understand what happened....").

Ugh. Sorry, I just had to rant about this somewhere. Has anyone else dealt with this before? Did you just cut off your loved ones, or did a good punch in the nose suffice?

 

GD let me start off by saying I feel your pain babe. My family has often made jokes and made their position about me dating ww known. Especially one long term gf who became extremely overweight after being medication for the after effects of chemo after having bone marrow cancer. She gained about 70 lbs in 2 months and didn't carry the weight to well but we were together for over 2 years so there was no way I was going to leave her but that didn't stop my brothers and uncles and my dad from telling me to "leave the fat white girls alone. If you're gonna mess with a white girl at least find you a cute one" they weren't aware of her illness and the reason she was overweight but I doubt it would have stopped the insults. My dad has always been someone who I never got along with, I love my dad a lot but he's a toxic person. He use to single me out and beat me a lot more than he did my brothers. I honestly think he didn't want to be tied down and when my mom got pregnant with me he felt trapped and as a result he resented me but despite all the nasty things he's done he's still my father. He was responsible and made sure there was always a roof over our heads food on the table and nice clothes on our backs and for a man of his humble beginnings with no father of his own that was pretty. At this point in my life I just kill with love, I hug him when I see and ask him how he is and never let the begative bother me. He's me and I'm him and hating him or cutting him out completely would be like shutting a part of myself off. If anything I always learn what not to do and I'm greatful for the lessons. So be angry and aggrivated but remember to keep loving her even if has to be from afar.

 

Thanks, andrae.

I do love her, which is probably why I still get upset about the whole thing. I don't understand how someone can hold onto so much hate for no reason.

My father tries to act as a buffer between her and I, but it doesn't always work. He is pretty supportive, and his reservations come from just wanting me to be happy. I can respect that, but her...I mean, really? I'm dating BM just to spite her? I've been tempted to respond with something like "Yeah, Ma- whenever I am in bed with my BF, all I can think about is how mad you're gonna be! TOTALLY gets me off."

 

:smt003too funny...sounds like something lippy would say...

:-(sorry to hear mom is giving you a rough time...my dad was always the more raised eyebrow on my dating preferences...i moved away from my hometown when i was 25...i keep family issues and chatter at arms length...i don't do well with that whole forced opinion...i find myself saying, that's nice good for you but that doesn't apply to me...i'm the baby of 5 and everyone in my family would tell you that i am always swimming up stream...as much as i would love to give advice...it would probably be more extreme...like don't answer the phone...cut off contact for a bit until she cools down...wait until she gets to a point where she has to reflect on if she can just be your mom...then the ball is in your court...lay down the rules and stick to them...

 

I'd actually LIKE inhabiting your mother's world where all jerks are clearly marked by skin color. Wouldn't that make things easier?

 

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Since you are an adult I wonder why you would spend any time around your mother except on your own strict terms or let her into your business (who you are dating, etc).

She can only be as involved in your life as you let her, right? Unless of course you are dependent on her. Then you would have to ask yourself why you are accepting resources from a person who doesn't approve of the way you live your life.

Was it Captain Planet who said, "The Power is Yours"?

 

I assume you will find the solution and your way in asking yourself, what is more or most important to you. Your Mom took care of you and you have to be thankful for that- but it has nothing to do with your decision, who you love. She has to learn that you are a grown up person, some one who makes his life as you want. You have to cut that band with her-to give her the possibiliy to accept and to respect you. Take the power that she has over you away from her. That can be painful, but you have to consider- you only have one life, your time is running. It's not your obligation to live the life your mother expects from you. I am not talking about breaking up the contact definitly, but you have to show them or her the limit.

My experience is that if the family feels who is standing in front of them (a person with her own opinion and the strength to push it through), parents are very proud of her, because it convinces them that now is the point of time that they can rely on you. They know they get older and don't have to worry to go some day, they leave a strong personality.

 

Sir Nose, it is a difficult position to be in because she's my mother. I still love her, even though I don't like her or respect her very much these days. I really don't talk to her much, or tell her anything, but in an Italian family where everyone is pretty close, word gets around.

And really, this intrusion was honestly so jarring because I hadn't talked to her in several days, and then she comes out of the woodwork saying those things. I have no patience for it, and after awhile of either ignoring it or telling her to F off, it wears a person down. That's why I came here to vent, because I figured some of you might understand.

 

Lippy, that's totally me. I'm the black sheep of the family, according to my mother, because I've never really been like them. It's true. I started having 'wild' opinions back when I was a kid and never looked back. I could honestly care less, but it's difficult when it's your family because it's a little harder to write them off.

 

i completely understand when it's family...mine used to try to control me unsuccessfully...at some point i think they just realized that i wouldn't conform...one thing i will say is that you never have to stop loving:heart: your parents...but at some point they do have to let you live your life...

 

i must be a bad family member then as ive written a couple of family members off.
one is my older sister, im acctually the last sister to write her off, tried to be nice to her but i eventually had enough of her poisonous attitude. shes a controling bitch and hated the fact i live my life how i want to

the other members ive written off are my dad and his partner
never been particularly close to my dad, he wasnt around much when i was growing up ( turned out he was cheating on my mum with said girlfriend )

anyway my daughters last birthday they wanted to have a party for my wee girl and to try and keep family ties i agreed and said we would come, my partner too, every thing was fine until a few days before when i got a call asking for his full name. odd request but i told them.
got a call back the day before to say they had discussed it along with the parents of my dads girlfriends grandkids and the concenus was with him being african they felt it was inappropriate for him to be around the kids and as such he was uninvited, they knew i had the phone on speaker and my other half heard the whole thing, understandably he decided he would never be in a room with these people

not content with just that they now treat my daughter like a second class citizen and shes not allowed to visit when her grandkids are there, apparently my babys too much hard work cos shes disabled and she refuses to have photo's of my girl up with the pics of her grandkids as she doesnt want her friends to get upset having to look at a child covered in wires and tubes, silly cow asked for the oxygen and feed tubes to be removed for photo's to be taken the way she wanted to minimise the impact of her disabilitys. she also hates the fact that i didnt take thier advise to rename my daughter with a good english name insted of the "silly foreign name" i gave her and the fact i try and teach my daughter both sides of her heritage insted of just labelling her as white.
ive not seen my dad in a year now nor have i spoken to him. he knows my number, if he wants to talk he can but im not wasting anymore energy or tears on them

 

I hate to say this, but there comes a time in your life that you have to choose who you're living your life for, the people around you ie: family and friends or for yourself? Life is too short to worry what others are thinking about you and if they approve. My parents didnt approve my my childrens father and tried their best to get me to end things with him before we had children. Knowing that if I was to stay with him I would be walking away from my family which they made abundantly clear by stating "if you stay with him you're dead to us" while I was living in their home.

I understand where you're coming from, because I think it was the hardest decision of my life, choose the man that i loved or my parents? With a lot of thinking about it, I realized it was time for me to live MY life. It wasn't time for them to tell me how to live my life. I did realize though that they were completely serious on their threat that I would indeed be dead to them. I let them know I was picking him, they of course told me to get the hell out of their house, I said of course no problem. They asked me when I was going (this was a Sunday and my kids father lived in a different city then my parents) I said next weekend seeing as he had to work the following week. They said no, noon tomorrow and I said OK! I didn't get goodbyes, they weren't there when I left. I was told the only time I was allowed to contact them was for non personal reasons such as needing tax information seeing as my Mom up until that point had done my taxes for me, otherwise don't call. So for two years I had minimal contact with my parents and when I did it was a very icy reception.

Two years later I called my parents to tell them I was pregnant to which my mom cried and told me I was stupid and making the biggest mistake of my life. They wanted nothing to do with my son at first seeing as they had a problem with what I had decided but my brother told them how ridiculas they were being, regardless of what problems they had with me they had a grandchild who had done nothing wrong. So they asked to see him which of course I allowed but I wasn't allowed to see them when they saw my son.

Now almost 10 years later we have far from the best of relationships. Do I regret my decision? No! They respect me and my decisions even though they don't approve of them. Were they VERY happy when my kids dad and I split 4 years ago. You bet your ass, I also got a lot of "I told you so" but in the end I got the best two things he could ever give me, obviously my children.

Do what you need to do to make YOU happy because no one else is going to do it for you. Someone will ALWAYS have a problem with whatever decision you make. So do it for YOU and fuck the rest!

My two cents!

 

Rep added.:smt023

 

I know, what you mean with the structures of an italian family. They try everything to change you as they want. I was married more than 15 years with a man, whose family lives in North and South of Italy. In the North it was easier, but from Sicily-those people are really strange. But, now that I am divorced since several years- they still respect and invite me to visit them, even my Ex husband is married again and has a Baby with his new wife. They still want me to be a part of them.

 

I appreciate everyone's feedback. Nice to know I'm not alone in this.

Really, I don't let what my mother thinks influence what I do- I still date who I want, go on vacation where I want, and do whatever the heck I friggin' feel like without her permission, input, or sayso. I generally keep her at arms length because I think life is too short to waste it on hating people for no reason.

She's as close to 'cut off' as I'm going to be able to get, as long as my Dad is around, and even that is frustrating--- as demonstrated by my post. She and I fight like cats and dogs, and I never back down because I'm too friggin' old to be trying to play the 'make sure Mommy is proud of me' game. If she's not proud of me for being the person I am, then I don't care. My dad is damn proud of me, and when it comes down to it, my dad is the one who will walk me down the aisle someday (if it ever happens..lol).

You can't help who gets under your skin. She has a knack for getting under it faster than other people. If she was anyone but my mother, I would've told her to f-off ages ago and never spoken to her again (as it is, I've told her to f off numerous times...she doesn't seem to get the point. lol).

I guess my issue is just trying to understand people like her. WHY are they like that? How do they hold onto so much HATE? People are people and I see no reason why she's got to be so damn difficult all of the time.

Then again, she's Italian. *sigh* Some of you get the Italian family thing, some of you don't, and that's totally fine. Its difficult when you're close to most of your family- and they're fine with things. My uncle told me last year when I brought my ex to his big BBQ "If someone doesn't like it, they know where the door is. That includes your mother." That's how they all are. That's how my dad is...I don't get how it's just HER.

I don't speak to my brother, and I rarely speak to my mom. It's definitely going to stay that way. It doesn't mean they won't drive me batshit crazy occasionally.

 

This isn't a question for which you are likely to find an answer GrlD. I understand trying to find reason in something, but some things by their very nature defy reason, and hate is one of those things. I know you think if you could just understand why she feels as she does, then perhaps you could address that specifically and better demonstrate how irrational her beliefs are... again, that's not likely to happen. Racism and prejudice are simply irrational, and the people I've known who were like that had absolutely nothing to base the hate on, they just hated. You can't help, fix, or change someone like that. You can pray they come around and see the stupidity and foolishness of their ways, but IMO that's really all you can do. I'm not a big fan of smashing my head into a wall repeatedly, and that's all trying to talk sense into someone like that is.

As for your mother specifically, she clearly doesn't plan to let it go. My mother is exceptionally manipulative, and I figured that out at a young age, at which point it ceased to be effective on me. I'd like to tell you she stopped once it quit working, but it was actually about a year beyond the point she realized it wasn't going to work that she finally stopped trying to run my life and dictate my behavior. That followed a year of not speaking. I told her if all she planned to do was bitch at me and try to dictate my life, I had no interest in speaking to her. If she called, the instant the conversation took a turn for the worse I told her I was hanging up and that's what I did. We got to the point where we didn't speak at all for the better part of that year, and then I think one day she woke up and acknowledged that I was never going to change my stance on that and she straightened up. I was 16 at the time and we really haven't had any issues since. Oh there's the rare occasion where she tries her standard manipulation techniques on me, maybe 3 or 4 times in the last 25 years or so, but I always politely remind her that doesn't work on me and she drops it.

I know because of other family members it isn't feasible to not see or talk to your mother, however you can dictate the substance of the conversation. The instant she brings up something inappropriate you can tell her the conversation is over, end it, and walk away. It's not the most comfortable situation to be in I know, but it beats listening until your blood boils IMO. Over time if she wants to talk to you, she'll keep the conversations to appropriate topics. It may take a while for her to get there, depends on how stubborn she is, my Mom is extremely stubborn, but not as stubborn as me. I have a feeling you'd outlast your mother as well.

 

Grl if you give her the power she will rule your life. Don't give her the power. Do what makes you happy. :smt056

 

Very sorry to hear all of that. Family drama can be terrible. Heres hoping your luck changes

 

remember this when you deal with her...she does love you and she wants the best for you. now it seems selfish on her part that she only wants you with someone who is white. But it is what it is.

the best thing for you to do is let her know one time and maybe just once more in this manner:

Mom , I love you and you have always been there. I want to make you proud of me and I hope you are BUT I have to find love with someone who is going to be true to me regardless of race. I pray that you will understand that and accept it and pray that whoever comes into my life will be the one who do the right thing always.

do nt argue because that is what she wants to do. just keep it moving and stand firm. also be careful who you nring into your world and or be quick to get them out if they seem toxic.(I had to learn that the hard way. my story is similar to yours in that arena)