"The weak-minded little white girl-What could she possibly know about pain & suffer?"

First of all I would like to make clear that I am not writing this to be thrown a pity party or to get a "bravo" tap on the shoulder,but because it feels good to let it all out and to encourage people,even though it took me quite some courage to sum all my thoughts up and post them here.Yes I've dropped a few bits and pieces of information but never the whole story.

I don't know about you but I personally was called a weak-minded little white girl or other expressions meaning the same before & actually feel that when people don't know anything or much about you and have never walked a mile in your shoe they can't tell how much you know about pain and suffer and how strong you really are.

Weak-minded little white girl is one of the last things that match my character and the state of mind I'm at now.

Excuse if I may jump back and forth between different stages of my life.I am not an expert in writing anything like this.

The first time I have experienced pain was through my mother's ex husband,my step dad and father of my 3 siblings. He is an alcohol addict,still,that tends to be violent,and most of the time me ,"the bastard" as I was not his biological kids was the scape goat of his aggressions. Little things such as me not wanting to sit on his lap,not being able to finish my plate of lunch,not feeling like taking a walk outside with him or me not being able to sleep and switching on a little lamp on my nightstand and quietly reading a book often let to butt whooping,being pulled down the stairs 3 floors by my hair or major verbal cussing.
I didn't understand it at first.I hadn't done anything to that man but being the biological child of a previous boyfriend of my mom.
Due to all this and my mom also having issues in the form of anorexia and not getting over her shadow to stand up to him I was a quite shy kid.Sometimes I envied all the other kids that were more outgoing and often stood in the center of attention,but in the few situations in that I had a taste of the pie of being in the center I felt very insecure and uncomfortable.
So ever since I've been quite in the role of a misfit/outside with elements of the "class clown",to cover up my true feelings with humor.
Most of my friends so far have been other people that most would describe as misfits or outsiders,as well.I guess birds of the same feather indeed fly together.
The more negative you see the more lessons you learn and the more maturity you gain,and it's hard being friends with someone that is at a different stage of life and experience.They just found me boring and strange.
Twice in my life I got in situations where I almost ended up raped,but my knee instinctively hit the right spot and my high heels did the rest.That's why even though in general I'm a sneakers girl I do wear heels to places where there's an increased danger of things like sexual abuse(club,public pool,etc).
Just as I had slowly learned to defend myself from my step dad when he was violent to me I knew the only way to get out of those 2 situations would be to defend myself in every way possible.
Due to all those family issues my sister who is 3 years younger than me has tried to commit suicide twice.I found her with her wrist cut open both times.After the 1st time she was put in a children's home to get away from the issues and we did a family therapy & our mom got a divorce. At her 2nd suicide try another factor played in,too. It was about 1 1/2 years ago now. For 3 years she has now been in a horrible relationship full of jealousy,verbal and physical abuse,and lack of trust. On top of that the guy has no sense for responsibility,is a drug and alcohol addict and she is now pregnant with their 2nd child. I myself witnessed 2 horrible situations between them. 1 in which he kicked in her door when she was crying inside her room not wanting to open the door and 1 in which he threatened to kill her and pushed her- and that was when she was 8 months pregnant with their 1st child,which he still doesn't recognize as his.
For a long while I ripped both of my legs,arms and my head off to help her but every time she turned around and went back to the guy,and things just got worse. I've kind of shut down a little bit now. If she needs someone to talk to she knows she can call me anytime.But I will no more try to advice & convince her. As long as she doesn't 100% know she wants a change I can talk all I want.
I,myself have been in 3 relationships that all went bad,too. Especially my last 1. You may remember my posts about it.
I was disrespected,lied to,cheated on,emotionally abused and in the end we even went from verbal arguments to an actual physical fight.
Being stubborn and not a quitter in general is a good thing,but not when you're too stubborn to let go off people who actually have zero respect for you,so I kept forgiving and giving 1 chance after another,until I was sick to the stomach of everything.
I now know that the saying"Fool me once-shame on you,fool me twice-shame on me" is very accurate. If someone makes a mistake once and then truly regret and understand what they did things can work,but when they don't and just keep doing it and you stick with them they know they will get away with it anyway so why change?
If someone ist treating your wrong it's in YOUR power.They can only hurt and abuse you as much as you allow them to.

Back when I went to middle and high school I was struggling.Not just because of my misfit status but because despite me being pretty good in language classes I was doing poor in all scientific classes,especially maths.In 11th grade my family situation plus poor understanding of scientific classed led to me having to repeat the entire 11th grade.1 girl who was told she had to make an extra round just got out of school altogether.That was out of options for me.I knew I wanted my high school diploma,even with a year delay.And in the end I did make it.Some of my teachers didn't even believed in me and I proved them wrong.
3 times in my life I could have easily died,once when I was just a few weeks old & had a very bad bronchitis and was in the Intensive Care Unit of a hospital. The 2nd time when I was about 2 and my mom and me lived in an apartment in an old house and the ceiling of the living room crashed down just a minute or 2 after I had been in the room and screamed so loudly that my mom got me and brought me in the kitchen.
The 3rd time was in fall 2007 when I was passenger in a car and my ex boyfriend who drove lost control over the car,it flipped twice and burnt to ashes- but luckily without him and me being in it.


That's 3 strikes.If you add that up to the emotional pain I've been through then you will see I'm pretty much everything BUT a weak-minded little white girl.By the way I'm 23 years old.Born 86.

And I know there are more strong women out there that have been through a lot and then have others tell them they don't know anything about life.
This is who I wrote this post for. Do not take those words too close to heart.

Now knowing a bit about the recent happenings you may also understand why lately I haven't been around here much.I needed some time to myself and distance.

Thanks for reading!

 

One person can never know what burdens another carries around deep inside. Be-you to me you are beautiful, kind and insightful beyond your years. I hate that your life has been rough but you should not give in and let it rule you and ruin the sweetnes that is you.

 

Thank you,Jordan. I'm far from being a quitter. Sometimes I got down times but I always pick myself back up with new strength,more experience and knowledge that I can apply to future situations.

 

B86 though you have had a lifetime full of experieinces you are still quite young. I hope that you meet a great man who will love and cherish you so much that your past dissolves into a bad memory and that you and he raise a beautiful family and live a great and happy life.

 

Thank you,Sir Nose.
For now I don't know whether I still want a relationship/marriage and kids.
I see my aunt do her thing being single for nearly 30 years now.She has hobbies and does things that make her happy.
In past I made my happiness dependent on my relationships,which I now know was wrong.Happiness comes from within.
All I hope for is that regardless what life holds for me that I will be able to accept it and make the best out of it & find a little happiness.

 

The year you were born may have been in '86, however, the year you became your own person was when you realized true happiness comes from within. There are people who go through life, live to be 3 times your age and NEVER come to that realization.

At 23, you are very wise for your age. You noticed your aunt who is single but is happy with her hobbies and doing things that she likes. Thats how you build the person you want to be, by taking certain traits from people you admire and make them your own.

Your memories of your youth maybe painful but as an adult, you have the ability to change things so you will never have to experience that again. I related to your story because in a way, in my youth, I went through the samething.

Both of my parents were alcoholics. They divorced when I was 7 years old. My mother raised 4 boys as best as she could. We had nothing, was poor as poor can be. My thing was I loved to read also. I use to read autobiographies of black men who became successful in America. Men like Thurgood Marshall, John H. Johnson, Martin Luther King, the Tuskeegee Airmen, etc.

I adopted some of the postive characteristics I read about them and made them my own. This is why education and running my own business is very important to me. Now that I am in my mid-thirties, I am so far removed from that life that my youthful years doesn't even phase me any more.

At 23, you have so much life ahead of you. Now that you know where TRUE happiness starts, begin from today forward. Adopt the characteristics of people you admire, like your aunt, and start doing the things YOU like. Define your life on your terms.

Like you also stated, "Do it to me once, shame on you. Do it to me twice, shame on me". Truly LIVE by that statement. Only give a person ONE chance. They make a mistake, ok, you forgive them. They do it again, you're done with them .... period. That doesn't mean you don't associate with them just don't let them put you in a situation where they can do that to you again. If they get mad because you won't let them use you as a doormat, oh well, they'll get over it.

Growing up with the type of pain that you have experienced many times toughens you up for life. You aren't as naive as someone who had a charmed life. So based on what you wrote, no, I wouldn't say you are weak minded. You're just going through growing pains that we all experience in our twenties.

 

I'm sorry you've gone through that Be-you, but what doesn't kill us, makes us stronger and you've definitely prevailed! You know that through it all, you're still alive and kicking and through it all, you've come out on top.

At 23, that knowledge and experience will lead you to making better choices and and making the life you want for yourself.

I think one day after you figure out what it is you want, everything will fall into place.

I wish you love and happiness!

 

No one does it like the Bull! You're definitely a Taurus!

I want to just give you a

 

It takes a Taurus to know a Taurus :smt045

 

:smile:

That perseverance and determination is definitely our strong suits.

I'm glad you've overcome your past and that made you into the man you are today.

 

Why thank you :smt058

We all have our crosses to bare. But like you stated, perseverance and determination, definitely our strong suit.

P.S. Are those your legs in your avi???

 

You're most certainly welcome!

We also have that stubborn streak, but I'm pointing out the positives today...lol

Yeah, they're mine...

 

Damn girl :smt118 what part of LA you live in again???

 

I'm right in the :heart: of it....

 

Everybody knows German women don't play.....

 

Beauty- why do you choose this title? Come on- wake up from your frustration- you are a german, smart, fighter-girl-your life wasn´t easy, but you managed it. Now you are grown-up. Forget what happened, your life just starts and you have your own life in your own hand- don´t give power to people, who were bad to you!!

 

We Libras are also extremely stubborn and opinionated...and cardinal signs. hehe we like to be in leadership position . I'm a bit into astrology hehe

 

The title was quoting something that was thrown at me by people that don't know anything about me. I know they're wrong. Or else I wouldn't be here now.

 

Yes! Don't mess with a German woman

and

Don't mess with a Libra

Those have the ability to be the sweetest people you could run into are also the most mean people once you really step on their toe big time. The people that gotten me that far know what I'm talking about :smt077

 

Be-you-tiful86, I'm sorry that you've had to experience such horrible things in your life. Life is a fucking bitch sometimes and I know that sometimes it really gets to the point where you think 'when am I going to get my little bit of good luck?' It's hard. And I'm so sorry that you've been through so much but as painful as it has been my love, it has strengthened you and made you a better person.
Don't forget the things that have happened but don't dwell on them either. They have shaped you as a person and as horrible as the past is, it has made you into an intelligent and beautiful young woman with a bright future ahead of you.

I know it's hard. I've been through so much shit myself and I've only just turned twenty two. In the past year alone, I've lost one of my best friends, my original career and educational plans were jeopardized, my dad (who I haven't seen for fifteen years and now obviously will not see again) has been told that he is dying, I have had my own cancer scare (going for a mammogram on Wednesday), depression, I've been cheated on by the one person I've only ever really trusted, my cousin died of Alzheimer's at 33, I've been assaulted, robbed and so many other things that just seem minor in comparison. And this is only since September. The funny thing is, these are far from the worst things to have happened to me.
I understand how you feel and I understand how hard it is to be criticised by people who have absolutely no idea about your life experiences and your struggles but you need to look past those people, my love. Just by getting through all of this and sharing your experiences you have achieved so much more than a lot of people will in their lives and you're already much stronger than you think.

I really wish for good luck to come your way soon. You're a lovely person and you really deserve true happiness.