the wish list: what are you looking for in a man or woman and in urself

I believe a parent should quiz a kid because as you know you want to also get a vibe about them. spending time with them is good also because they can hide lies for long. soon the drama will reveal themselves

 

I don't think you can correlate bad credit with a propensity to cheat. The two have nothing to do with one another. People cheat for different reasons, but primarily women indicate they cheat because they seek an emotional connection. Money/finances have nothing to do with connecting with another person on an emotional level. I think about the only thing you can tell about someone with bad credit is that they may not manage their money well, or they are a spendthrift, and I say may because as you mentioned sometimes people go through hard times through no fault of their own and that would reflect negatively on their credit.

I understand you were burned by an Ex, and you want to be careful, and I think it's always good to learn from past mistakes, but I don't think using a credit report to judge whether a potential partner is a good person is appropriate.

 

I did not say they will cheat. I said they had no integrity. they might cheat but i did not say they will.

I understand what you are saying but like I stated there is a bad credit score then bad credit history. there is a big difference.

a score MAY only reflect what happened that year or two years but if you have a bad credit history that will go back 15 years. you will be able to see if they have habit of defaulting. if they do then something is up with them spiritually

bad credit score will not tell the whole past. so look at the history. if they had a bad history for the past 2-3 years then it could be they lost their job or went to the hosiptal and things got bad. that is out of their control.

If they get credit cards and loans and dont pay them back just and they have a job never been laid off ect.. then that says something. Trust me Im not the only one saying this. Im not saying this should be the only thing but you can ignore it.

 

I think that if you do a credit check on a possible spouse, that just proves you have no faith/trust in them.

A healthy relationship is built on trust. If you can't trust what your partner tells you about their financial history and if you can't trust the things you see as you date them (how they pay their bills, what bills they have, etc), then you shouldn't be marrying them.

I see that as a complete and utter violation of trust.

You can't make future mates pay for the past. It's unfair to your current mate. Each person is different and handles things differently.

And if my fiance asks for my social security number and other personal info (because they ask you questions when you get your credit report) so that he can do a credit check on me, I'll be telling him to piss off and will promptly end the engagement.

If you're that worried, get a pre-nup.

 

Or don't get married.

 

dr. phil says somebody has something to hide. :smt017

you can make future mates pay for the past. are you saying if a person convicted of rape, child molestation and yes bad credit history says something about them. when you do investments you look at a business past income performances it is a good indicator of their future performance.

now. no one can deceive you for long unless you let them. now you say it is unfair to the current mate to judge them on the past but what about you. when you get married to a bad credit person your credit score is in jeapordy. also like I stated and you keep avoiding is that a bad credit history is an indicator ( not by itself . go look at everything else I stated) that they will burn you soon.

this is not just me saying this . marriage counselors and lawyers and people who have gone through divorce and people who lived with thier mate(s)

it will be a violation of trust when they decide not to pay the bills or not be there when you need them. Bad credit history is a sign of immaturity. it is not the only indicator but it is a sign

 

kids are funny...my 14 year old has met very few men that i have dated...he is always encouraging me to take the plunge...my response has always been and will continue to be that i will wait until he is out of high school...when he was a little younger we would talk about his dad's wife and he would say to me if you dated someone and i didn't like them...you would just get rid of them...right? it made me laugh...right then and there i realized that it was more important to me to have my son happy than for me to be living with a man...perhaps a bit of a sacrafice...but one i am willing to make...i still date and have relationships...just at arms length...

 

Black folks and credit. LOL. He who is without sin should cast the first stone on that one.

 

Wow. My credit is just fine, thank you. Great credit or bad credit, I'm not going to be with someone who insists on checking it.

Again, wow. I feel bad for the woman who ends up with you if that's going to be your continued attitude.

I can't believe that I'm reading this. Rapist and child molesters are on a completely different plane from people who have bad credit.

Yes, because you don't know the business. And the ONLY indicator of a good business for an outsider is their past performance. You're comparing a corporation to a person you're likely to be spending a great deal of continued time with. Again, I can't believe I'm reading this comparison.

Again, I will reiterate, you don't need to check their credit scores to ascertain their financial viability. You will be spending a great deal of time with them, you can see how they pay their bills, you can see if they have mortgage payments/rent payments/car payments/credit card payments. Those are indicators enough of checking out a person's financial viability.

Yes, it is a sign of immaturity for most people with bad credit. However, you won't need to check their credit report to see their immaturity. They will be immature in every aspect of their lives!!

Tiger Woods - I bet he has excellent credit, yet he cheated on his wife with nearly two dozen women.

I once dated a guy whose parents used his and his siblings' social security numbers to get stuff and proceeded to ruin their credit before they were old enough to make their own credit.

You don't need credit reports to tell any information about a person. You just need to spend time with them to know them.

Good luck finding a woman who will be okay with you checking her credit report.

 

:smt023 "You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Bookworm616 again."

All good points Bookie.

And goodlove, I get the once bitten twice shy concept, but you can't punish every female you meet because your Ex was a disappointment. If you do, you're likely to spend the rest of your life alone, which is not necessarily a bad thing, but if that's not what you want you really need to move past the past.

 

So true- Would you know how many people I know with a good credit history and honestly, they are cheaters like hell...they do not rob,in the classic style, but they know how to take advantages out of law and situations, what has at the end the same effect.

Good or bad credit- says nothing about your personality, if you don´t know about the story behind..

 

goodlove
lippy would like to know what your fica score is?:smt081 actually, i only need to know this if we are making a substantial purchase together...then it becomes relevant...other than that it makes no difference to me...i can usually tell when i am dating someone where they sit financially...i do think it is an important conversation when deciding on entertainment ie: what can we afford to do together...i wouldn't want to plan something and then have my partner feel bad about not being able to afford it...when i say afford it i am only talking about his share or portion...if one person in a relationship is on a tight budget you don't ask them to spend $150.00 on a ticket to a LV show...you plan to attend free concerts in the park...

credit report: no
criminal background check: yes

i would rather have someone offer up the information though than have me go digging for it

 

it is obvious you did not read the intro. to it all. vefore you get you panties in a bunch read in whole then come and talk to me like an adult. like I stated I wrote avoid the mistakes I made....go look back and read . these are warnings signs to know you are headed up shit creek.

marriage counselors , marriage counselors , religous leaders ( pastor , rabbi ) who counsel before getting married will all tell you what I am saying. they will agree with it at least 50%. especially the credit and budgeting part.

there is no judging here it is a take heed type thang. it is not a black or white thang, man or woman thang , it is a character thang.

people love to state he is without sin cast the first stone . that is said so people will not feel like they have to live up to standards. of course no one is faultless. but then there are people that out there is just up to no good and deceitful. those are the ones iam warning you about. as I stated there are other factors that come into play so go back and read in FULL and then talk about the issues in FULL.

 

Oh yes I would love to tell you what it WAS until I married the person Im warning you about. It was 750 before marriage. hers was soooo bad her car had an interest rate of 21%. yes 21%. not 2.1% but 21%. she was 1 year behind on 1,200 credit card bill that had $20 per month payment. Now how in the hell you do that.

she had jewelry in the pawn shop that had a lending balance of $250 in was on pawn for 6 months and she was paying 50 per month. WHAT THE F**k. come one do the math. But yet she had a huge and beautiful TV , furniture and ect.. It did not add up. I did not find this out until I was married. Now go back and read ALL the things I said in mistakes I made. then you will say HMMMMM I see.

Like I stated I lusted instead of loved. Loved dont blind like people state. GO back and read.when we dated I ignored all the signs because I was already to get married and have a family but I did not look like i usually would. I got caught slipping. she was very very unreliable and even after marriage she became worst.

people will tell you when you get married the faults are magnified.

so when I became ill she filed for divorce and thats cool but what happened next aahhh man. she started forging my name and wrecking my credit ect... I finally got the police to nab that ass. she was hit with a misdemeanor. I could have done a felony but that would have been too much. now when she did that she involved her friend to notarized the document. Now I have to sue her and she is not going to be happy with my ex. ( watch the friends of the person you are dating birds of a feather flock together.)

yall can get mad if you want but I warned you. go back and read and take heed. make better judgements than I made or else you will be up shit creek.

my story is one in a million.

 

I stated integrity not honesty. they are totally different. integrity means they will not keep their word. ( their words dont meet their actions) dishonesty they are liars (in other word their actions dont meet their words).

If I had to choose between the 2 i choose the person who has no integrity. no integrity doesnot mean they are a thief it just mean they are unreliable. you will need a back up plan with them.

 

goodlove...i can see how upset you are...but you are not one in a million...a friend of mine owns several pawn shops and people like your ex are waiting at the door in the morning for him to open...people are losing their jobs...homes...retirement funds...people get swindled every day...what i am hearing is nothing i haven't heard before...we all have a story...so this is my suggestion, before you ever and i mean ever consider dating anyone...you need to deal with some of this baggage...you are just not in a good place right now to be meeting anyone...i hope it gets better soon...your anger alone will scare any viable woman away

 

We all understand that this woman destroyed your life, but you aren't one in a million. There are similar situations happening every day all around the world. There are bad people in this world who will use and abuse anyone to get ahead. People get swindled out of all sums of money all over the world and you apparently found one of them.

Yes, she destroyed your life. But you have a second chance to get your life back on track and as an added bonus, you have the knowledge of this prior relationship to help you along.

But, you are still so focused on this situation (I don't blame you for that), that you can't see the forest through the trees. You can't focus your energy on what has already happened. It's going to destroy you further, if you do. It will destroy your emotional well-being.

We ALL make mistakes in relationships, which is why everyone has exes. But what you have to remember is that you can learn from those mistakes so you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationships. Sometimes, as in my case, it takes several years of soul-searching and research to figure out the role one plays in their past relationships.

I ignored red flags, too. Many red flags. I hit rock bottom in every single way. But instead of treating all men like the scum that is my ex, I took a long time to figure out what role I played in it all, what I could do to change how I handled myself in relationships and waited until I felt truly healthy enough to let a new man into my life.

Every relationship should operate as a tabula rasa - a clean slate. No one is perfect, and everyone makes mistakes. You have to decide ahead of time, what imperfections you are willing to accept in another person and what you aren't willing to compromise on. Only YOU can figure that out. But please, don't treat future girlfriends as if they are your ex-wife. No one is going to be your ex-wife. All you can do, is look back on the past experience and learn from it, but you have to move on with your life and focus on the present and future. Those are the only things you can change. You can't change what happened, but it would behoove you to learn from those mistakes, accept responsibility for the role you played in it all, and to move on.

If you aren't in a healthy place to be dating, you won't attract women who are in a healthy place either, so you'll be entering into relationships that will not be a good match for you. Get yourself in a healthy place and the rest will follow. There are good people out there.

 

I was thinking a long time about- what is the major characteristic I am looking for in a man and in my self..

It´s generosity..generosity in many ways, thinking, living, acting, to be liberal, tolerant, open-minded, internationally and multi-cultural understanding, and with a high acceptance

 

trust me I understand what you are saying. i understand whole heartedly ( I hope I spelled that correctly) . Like I stated there is a difference between credit score and credit history.

If you just look at the credit score it will not tell the whole story of why it is bad or good. you can manipulate the system to get you a good credit score. there are books on doing it and clark howard talked about ways to do it. ( there is nothing evil about that) have a bad credit score also do tell the whole story because you may have lost your job or had a divorce or bad health came about .

now credit history is when you LOOK deeply and see a trend. like with her ( I talked to other people and they had the same experience and talked to professionals and they will give a not total thumbs up but they will say you can draw a line) she would not pay her student loans credit card bill ect.. she had a job . nothing extraordinary happened in her life . so with that in mind you have to say to yourself what is up. what was up was lack of integrity and maturity.

so what Im saying to you guys not just go in with your eyes shut because it will hit you in the end.

most marriages break up due to finances. that is the number one reason. Im sure if you look behind the numbers someone has a maturity problem or integrity problem.

Im just telling this as a warning for you guys not to get sucked up like I did.

 

yes those are good qualities but what are you willing to accept and not accept ?