a black father's pain

I am having a tuff time writing this because it pains me so much but it is good for me to write it out. I have been divorced for a while because I found out my wife had an affair and I went into a really deep deppression for a year.

during the depression I signed the divorce papers and did not know because I was medicated. I was really messed up. i was under for about a year and 1/2. I also lost my job then I became homeless for the next year or so. I eventually found a good professional job this past august.

for the last 3 years I have not been able to get in touch with my daughter. My ex has been destroying the bond. The courts are very very slow and the seem to be inept or they dont care. Now I am admin leave because I was seen crying at my desk. Im seeking treatment but at times I just want to give up.

My question is why do people hurt other people who loved them and used the kid(s) to do it. She also destroyed my credit and stole money in the process. But I just care about my daughter. Im in soo much pain in that sometimes I just cant take it anymore. I cant even cry anymore.

have anyone been through this before ?

 

i haven't been through what you're going through. i was lucky enough to be able to remain respectful and friendly with my ex throughout the separation and divorce process, and we are still great friends to this day. it's unfortunate that people use their children as weapons in divorces, they are obviously not thinking about their children and only thinking of their own gain, revenge and power. the children are always the ones who get hurt the most in this. it's time for the adults to get out of the sandpit and grow up.

 

I'm sorry you are having a rough time. In divorce it seems that love turns quickly to hatred and then it's all about inflicting the most pain possible. Children are generally one of the most effective tools since most parents love their children and the thought of having them absent from their lives is heartbreaking. So they get used as a weapon to exact some measure of revenge. It's inappropriate and it's not in the interest of a child to deprive them of either parent, assuming they pose no danger to the child. What's worse to me is that often one parent makes it so hard on the other that they cease attempting to spend time with the child and the child often doesn't know why. It just takes a bad situation and makes it worse for all involved. The only thing I can suggest is that you keep trying, and if she refuses to let you spend time with your daughter, do your best to let your daughter know that's not your choice. I don't know how old your daughter is, but as she grows older she may become more vocal about wanting to spend time with you. Children can be very persuasive.

 

I guess several people here can understand your situation. When I separated from my husband, I was alone and he was smart enough not to come to me. We haven´t seen us for nearly a year. We were both fearing that we could kill each other. I was so full of aggression that I destroyed half of my furniture, was drunk 24h/day. He didn´t feel very much different.

The point was for me, accepting that your dream of life is over and that both parts have to take responsibility for that fail. It´s a process, you have to go through.

That is really helpful. That person can make you clear, what was going wrong.

I don´t have children, but my sister has. When she separated, she also tried to keep him away from his kids. It´s the weapon, the anger. I hope for you that you will find a solution with her. But first you have to take care about yourself. Say Good-bye to your dream and stop fighting against it. It is over. As soon as you accepted, you can start a new relationship/ friendship with her. But as long as you feel aggressions, it won´t work.

My ex husband and I were able to handle it, luckily, so don´t lose your hope- it is possible!

 

I'm very sorry that you've gone through this and it's still affecting you. No one deserves to be treated that way.

Here are some things that you absolutely need to do to get your life in order:

First and foremost, you are no good to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. Seeking professional help for your depression is great start. You sound severely depressed (under those circumstances, not many people wouldn't be). You need to start thinking clearly again. You need to get past all of the pain that you went through. When you are feeling better and able to handle things again then you start concentrating on finding a solution to seeing your daughter.

But you need to work on making yourself a happier person first. If your ex is using your child as a means of revenge, then she's probably "feeding" off of your negative energy and causing you more pain. You need to fix that negative energy so she can't get to you in that way anymore. That sounds so weird, but it's true.

I wish you the best of luck. I hope things turn out for you.

 

I appreciate the replies. I guess I would never had forseen someone can be so mean to someone who honestly tried to love them.

sometimes I feel like i tried too hard or did not try hard enough or just did not know how to do it right.

maybe i didnot express myself well enough. maybe i said things the wrong way. you know think before you speak.

whenever i did do something wrong i apologized and tried my best not to do it again. i honsetly tried.

whenever i done wrong there was not any malice intent on my end.

whatever she is upset about i dont understand but im fine with the divorce but why try to destroy my credit and my relationship with my daughter. i dont get that part ?

she even stole $17000 of my retirement money while i was ill . i was ill for over a year and did not have a dime to help myself.

i would love for a woman who actually did that to a person and look back and say yes i was wrong for that. I would like for that person to explain why they did it and what they recommend if they were in my shoes.

TRUST me i will not judge you or try not to come off judgemental

 

Sorry, I'm not the type to do either.

However when someone wants revenge or just wants to make your life difficult, they'll generally use whatever's at their disposal to accomplish that. Children and finances/money are likely the top 2 most effective ways to 'punish' someone. It's not appropriate, but the person that's going to use a child as a weapon clearly isn't going to be concerned with what's appropriate.

Sometimes you just have to say 'I did the best I could with the circumstances I had', or 'I f**ked that up completely, but I can't take it back now', forgive yourself and move on. I realize this is stating the obvious, but you can't change the past, the only things you have any power over are the present and the future. Let go of the guilt, let go of the past, and work towards a happier future.

 

I think the best thing for you is what everyone else said, look after yourself get yourself out from under this wave of depression, go to the Doctor talk about the feelings your having , how it seeps over into work time, you need help, what about your parents, do you have a strong family member to talk things through with ?

If you are feeling this low, it's no time to be in tense situations, try to observe your own behaviour in reference to your ex, we all have a part to play in these messes and sometimes we don't see it.
Not that I'm saying it's your fault because she sounds like a cow, with all the arguements i've had with my ex, I have never denied him access to the kids, I never understood women that do it.

 

exactly , i would never say that i was a total innocent person. she could never say the following:

he cheated. because i didnt but she did.

he called me ugly . because I always said she look great and had a great ass. ( thruth be told she could have shedded some pounds but that never really concerned me).

he tried to keep me from my friends. whenever she wanted to go clubbing my statement has always been was cool have nice time i have the baby just tell me when you are coming home so i can watch for you and call just as you are coming up. ( i did that because we lived in an apt and the nieghborhood was kind of ruff)

she can say

that i was uptight. i always tried to push being on a budget.

he never went out much so i can miss him. she stated this all the time. ( my thing was im suppose to be at home with the family. if i did go out i had the baby and we hung out at the park , church or whatever so she can have the place to herself)


at this point in my life:

Im just trying to get my confidence back up and try to focus on my job.

rite now im scared to date. im scared to get hurt again or at least someone just outright be a liar.

I just want a relationship with my daughter.

the advice i have been getting is put your daughter on the back burner and concentrate on urself and ur job then you will be able to get ur daughter.

 

children are very perceptive...i agree with the other that mentioned working on getting yourself to a stable place in your life...once you are there...go through the necessary channels to seek visitation...then you will have an opportunity to build a relationship...believe it or not even though you may have lost time with her...make the most of a new beginning...

my son's father sees his son every other weekend...i travel quite a bit for my work and always offer him additional time...he always declines...afterall, it's not on the schedule...my son loves his dad...that's his dad...at the wise age of 14 he already knows that he wants to be a better father to his kids...his own words...

 

You need to concentrate on yourself because you have to approach your ex in a position of strength. Bad people (she's proven that she's a bad person) feed off the weaknesses of others. If you don't make yourself stronger emotionally, then you won't get anywhere with your ex. You have to show her that you are up for the challenge that she's given you.

When I first met my 2nd husband, his ex (who was never his wife) was using their son as a pawn to get more money. My husband paid her a substantial amount of money every month and he only got to see his son for 4 hours once a month. Enter me. I put a stop to it quickly. I came from a position of strength. Within months, he was seeing his son every other weekend. And now, thanks also to me, his son lives with him and is doing better in school, and is happier.

You have to be strong to counteract the negative. It can be done.

You can do it!!

 

thanks. I see what u are saying. It has taken its toll on me.

I try and will put it in my mind that I will not see my child for a while.

in the meantime I will work on myself. I will also try to get a job back in my home town. That should be good for me to be around family and friends i grew up with.

it is a shame that a person would act so evil. I did not do any evil to her. I was not perfect like I stated earlier ( i never cheated or anything like that) .

I may have done things or said things that was not cool ( only I can think of one time) but for the most part i tried to show affection and told her plenty of times how beautiful she was to me.

after my divorce i decided to just look around for more than what i looked at back then.

i also looked back when we was dating and remembered the things i ignored which came back to bite me in the ass.

 

do yall think there is a stigma for a BM to get therapy

 

No, why would there be. Sure there are people who frown on anyone that gets therapy, and they're usually the ones who could benefit from it the most, but honestly who cares what someone else thinks? You have to do what's in your own best interest. Sometimes it's really helpful to just have someone unbiased to listen to you and appreciate what you're going through. There's no stigma to needing that.

 

yeah I understand what you are saying.

trust me that logic didnot run thru our community for awhile but it has helped me so far.

 

to me men dont get the respect in the courts they deserve. I have heard some stories

 

No, many men don't. Just because you're a woman, doesn't automatically make you the better parent. However, it's hard to prove who would be the better parent, most of the time, I would think.

It's a shame that there aren't more men who are granted custody. There are fathers who truly deserve it over the mothers.

 

I agree with Espy.

But who has to know? Are you going to walk around with a sign that says, "Hey, everyone, I'm in therapy"? No. No one else even has to know, unless they're very close friends or family and you want to tell them. And if others did find out, who cares?

If it's in your best interest to do something, then you should do it, regardless of what others may think.

 

I agree with you Bookie, I've known some fathers that were fantastic parents and some mothers who just left a lot to be desired. But I've seen the opposite too, providing sperm does not a father make. I think it's unfortunate that anyone, man or woman, becomes a parent and then doesn't act responsibly with respect to their children. Your children should always be the first consideration, and just because you happen to not love their mother or father anymore, doesn't mean that they don't. People really shouldn't run down their Ex in front of their kids IMO, it's not fair to the children and puts them in an awkward spot.

 

that is a great statement. it is sad people cant break up responsibly ( i know i spelled it wrong) . they should just say ok you can see the kids every other weekend and thru out the week with no resistance