Can I Get Your Opinions???

I have been reading on this site for awhile, but obviously am a new member. I would like to get your input on a situation that you may be somewhat familiar with personally or you know someone too.

Can you be in love, but feel the need to cheat?

I read and posted in thread earlier, and my brother is in a situation. I'll let you know a bit for background. He has been with this girl for eight years, he like myself is a recovering cheater. He has never cheated with this girl of eight years, but from what he has told me, he thinks about often, sometimes flirts, like eye contact or simple double meaning comments. He says he lovers her beyond belief, but I don't see how that could be if he's always thinking about other women.

 

That´s the misery most men stick in, I guess. I was talking with different men, when I saw them cheating on their wives. And I always hear the same. "I love my wife, I would never want to loose her..but on the other hand, I need that, too"
I am a woman, can understand it intellectually, but I also know, how much it hurts..

 

So you see both sides, but lean towards the fact that it's a lame excuse?

 

I am generally not the person of blaming anyone. I am more interested in solving problems. I work on understanding and preventing this pain I was feeling sometimes that much, because I know, it will happen to me again.

Fighting against nature won´t work.

Clarification, talks, honesty help.. because today I know that mostly this "cheats" don´t mean more to men as if I would go to the coiffeur. The dangerous cheats are affairs, men start, if the marriage doesn´t work anymore as it should.

So we come to the question, why does the marriage not work anymore?

One reason is for sure not to have the possibility to talk open, to be honest..

 

Just as humans will vary in the degree to which they can adapt to incarceration, or to sudden power, or to the death of a loved one, etc, so too do we differ in how successfully we can apply exclusivity to our lifestyles. Any couple considering marriage had better ensure each is as willing - or not - to be exclusive as the other.

 

8 years a lot of time. He should decide if he can be faithful or not. Ask him that. If he can not give a direct answer of "yes, I can be faithful", then he has got to go. This is very simple to do. to be faithful....

 

I have been the other woman, and now I am a wife, so I obviously now have a totally different opinion. The man I used to see, who was married, used to say the same thing. He loved his wife, didn't want to leave her, but he loved women as well. I still believe that he loved his wife, that is without a doubt. But the betrayal of her love to him is unforgivable.

If he is happy to chance that he could break his beloved's heart and spirit, all for his dick, if the thought even enters his mind, then he needs to be out of the relationship completely. He should do her the honor of leaving her first, cos if he stays with her and cheats, and she finds out, not only does she get to deal with the heartbreak of knowing she wasn't enough to keep her man happy, but ending the relationship will most likely be a decision left in her hands too, making the heart break even greater.

 

There have been countless people in the past and present who have and are remaining faithful to their significant others.

If he can't seem to stop thinking about getting in other women's pants all the time, then he needs to take a step back, figure out what's missing from his relationship and decide if it's something he wants to try to fix and if not, then like JABL said, leave before the cheating starts.

If you truly love and respect the person you with, I don't see how a person could entertain the idea of cheating.....

If they do, then something is missing from the relationship. Both parties should be able to satisfy their partner's emotional and physical needs. If one area is lacking, then it needs to be talked about and fixed (if possible).

Strictly my opinion, of course. :smt023

 

There are some people who are monogamous and some others who can't imagine being with only one person for the rest of their lives. When partnering up, the world would be a much better place if the two didn't mix.

 

other than loki can you name some names? and do you have proof?

i would venture to say the majority that cheat don't go around shouting it from the tops of mountains...i truly believe that as a woman i would be better off having an open relationship with a man because finding one that will be faithful may be like finding a needle in a haystack

this ofcourse would just be lippy's opinion:smt045

 

and in my opinion, its is a clear demand that a guy that is with me is faithful.. If he loves and respects me, then I should be enough - If Im not, then I dont want to be with him anyhow.
Of course you dont always know that an "indiscretion" has taken place but I cant waste time or energy fretting about that.

Now, there are different reasons why people cheat - sometimes its just a lack of selfcontrol, or respect for the other partner etc - but sometimes its a symptom of something else going on in the relationship.. if I was vested and was in that latter situation, I would be willing to take a good look at myslef and the relationship and try to salvage it..
if ist just pure Me-itis by the man and a lack of self control... then... see ya later!
I have been blamed for being non sentimental - but that is not true, but Im darn good at living in the now and once I move on - I NEVER look back.. once your out, your out...

I have myself been tempted more than once - Im a red blooded woman who loves sex and men... and sex with men (LOL)...it has been a close call on occation, but I have never gone through with it - I just cant betray like that - I couldnt live with the thought of the hurt and pain I would bring to someone that dont deserve it... and I certainly would not be able to keep it a secret, I cant lie.. I suck at it.

 

Need some clarification here, how often is often? If it is the occasional impure thought, flirtation, no big deal. That is something that I dare say everyone, male or female deals with no matter how satisfied and happy they are in their relationship. As long as it is fleeting and done in a respectful way regarding your partner, no big deal. If this is an obsession, then perhaps he should seek some professional help for sex addiction. Bottom line, is just because you are in a long term relationship and happy and satisfied, you will always be faced with temptation. Having an initial reaction of attraction to meeting someone you find attractive and interesting is normal, even healthy. How you react from that moment on defines whether you are a person of character, integrity and honor, when it comes to keeping your promises and vows to your partner.

 

Lippy, it makes me sad that you have this view of men in general. I am not saying you are incorrect (I have been off the market for 18+ years, so I am sure a lot has changed in the dating world), but it makes me sad never the less. Mental note to self; find a man of character, integrity, honor and fidelity, somewhere in Colorado and ship him to Lippy's front door.........

 

Everyone of my female friends feels the same way that Lippy does. I am of the same school of thought but am giving it one more go with my man.

 

Glad to hear this Athena! Perhaps I am just an optimist by nature, but I will keep a good thought for you that your relationship will be everything you want it to be!:smt023

 

I think Books said it best if you truly love and respect your partner you won't need to cheat.

 

Very true Sonny, I would add that in my opinion first and foremost, fidelity is always a matter of "personal" integrity, honor, and character. Relationships will have ups and downs, these values are what holds a person true to their course no matter what.

 

More info

From what he has told me, it sounds as if he thinks about cheating almost everyday. To make a long story short (no homosexual, no incest, no offense), he is my bro and people may say I'm biased, but he is pretty attractive, all types of women hit on him all the time. I say that to say it might be part of the problem. He's getting all this attention and doesn't know how to shut it down.

After reading everyones post (very intelligent and insightful might I add, thanx for showing my thread some luv), I feel that he is just selfish. I know he loves this girl, but the bottom line is, he needs women more than a relationship right now. I feel some people just need to get their rocks knocked off until they cum (pun intended), to the point where they feel they have had enough & want to settle down, if & when they ever get to that point. I like how Veema said it, two kinds people, & they shouldn't mix. Some people just aren't mentally tough enough to handle monogamy.

 

Yes, you can have an entree with a dish on the side.

It won't hurt anyone as long as its kept secret.

 

:axe:
You're so bad.