Romancing the single mom, ……just how much can we have with her.

Broken marriages, divorcees, and single moms are a reality…we do not live in a utopian society. ….when all the dust settles, at the end of your day…all that mattered was the measure of happiness you were able to extract from that day.
It is widely agreed upon that some of the most gratifying women available in the hunt for happiness, are single mothers. And so… Asides from what the hell we think we know… I would like to hear from the single moms and or aspiring moms:……..in an effort to give us some food for thought. To help to contribute to our understanding of building something lasting should we befriend a single mom:
Give us your prescription for success………….
Please list four traits…..Just the four most desired traits…..you would like to see in a new prospective man friend
1.
2.
3.
4.

 

1. respect
2. integrity
3. communication
4. consideration

(I really think that communication and consideration falls within respect)

The common thing that I hear from single moms regarding men, is that they want them to be straight about things. If what they are wanting is just sex then say so - there are plenty of women who are only wanting sex too. But don't be messing with the hearts of single moms (not that I think it's ok for people to be messing with anyone's heart). There was some line in a movie about that.

Have respect. Realize that our time away from children is often very limited and it's at a premium. Do NOT waste it!

Don't make the assumption that children of single moms are a mess and that you are going to come in and rescue us. Don't assume that we are damaged goods...some of us are much better people for going through the things that we have. Most of the single moms I know are very good moms and we are going to be protective of our children and our lives....we have our own parenting philosophies that work.

And if you aren't really interested in being with someone who has children then do NOT bother us! Also realize, we have a past (just like you do) not ALL people have a mess with their ex...some get along quite well.

Oh - and our children will ALWAYS come first! Would a man truly want a woman for whom that was NOT the case?!

 

Alot of men think single moms are looking for a father for their children which is why they get "scared".

 

I agree with K, mostly on the last point. The guy needs to accept that our kids (or in my case, kid) will always come first. We aren't always able to get a babysitter at the last minute and the guy needs to understand that. Also, if it ever came down to it then I'd choose Jacob over anyone.

Jacob doesn't need another dad, granted the one he has is a bit shit but if I ever date a guy then I want a boyfriend, not a dad for Jacob. That's why I'd probably keep things separate for a few months at least, before they get to meet each other.

I'd say patience and consideration are the main things that you need when dating a single mother.

 

That might be true though.

 

This a thread for people wanting/open to dating people with children, since you are clearly not one of them I'm not really sure why you're here.

Bye.

 

Then bug off my case.

 

You know....I think it's very PC for women to say things like they aren't wanting another father for their children. My children's father is very much involved in their lives and things are very workable. However, when a single mom or custodial dad (especially with younger children) ends up in a serious relationship with someone...that person will take on a parental role with the child(ren)....that does not mean that they are a replacement for their parent. My 2nd husband ended up adopting my son from my first marriage and he definitely did raise him as his son.

It really depends on the situation, but for people to think that they are going to end up living with or marrying someone and there won't be a parental bond there with the child(ren), they are fooling themselves. That doesn't mean that the single parent is out "looking for a parent" for their child(ren). However, they are probably (hopefully!) going to be concerned with what type of a role model any significant person in their life may be.

I think part of what may be coming up in this conversation too is different age groups. People in their 30's and 40's are probably pretty likely to come across others who have children in their age groups.

All this is why it's so important for people to COMMUNICATE and be HONEST about what it is they want and need. If a single mom is just looking for someone to date and have fun with and has no intention of a serious relationship and/or bringing anyone around her children - that's very different than a woman who is wanting to have a relationship and/or get married.

And yah - I don't get why people are chiming in who have clearly stated they have no interest in being with anyone with children.

 

Archman, I commend you for your bravery in posting this...very interesting topic, so excuse me while I get out my soapbox.

KNCA, SarahS, couldn't agree with you more. (And only because KNCA and SarahS were the only ones with responses so far....so if you posted while I was typing my novel, I apologize.)

And here is my take:

I can't sum it up in four small points, so I will make an attempt to turn a novel into a short story for you. I honestly believe that the answer to this question for single moms, where we all may have similar points, is different according to each person's situation. For me, my kids have defined who I am today, yet they haven't defined every part of my being. Obviously, I'm a mom first, and any man who can respect that (and I mean TRULY respect that) is okay in my book. I do NOT want someone in my life who wants to be a replacement for their Dad...they have a Dad, he's just in and out of their lives and that's something that the three of us (three of us, being my two kids and myself) will have to learn to deal with on a daily basis. I also do NOT need someone to swoop in and be my Prince Charming...I make my own money, I have my own car, and I do quite well for myself, because I put MYSELF in a situation where I wouldn't have to depend on someone else for my well being. That said, I'm not looking for someone without a job or a career and no direction in their life, I'm just saying that I would never want to be with someone who is under the assumption that my expectations are those listed above. I hear too many people saying that single moms are out looking for a Daddy and a second income. Truth be told, most of us aren't.

So what do I want? The same thing that everyone wants. I want someone who makes me laugh, someone whose shoulder I can cry on, and for whom I can do the same. I want someone who understands my sarcasm, and who will be just as sarcastic towards me...at the appropriate times of course. I want someone who understands that just because I have two kids, it doesn't make me any less of a freak, it just makes it on a time table...as in when they aren't awake, or when they're at their Dad's. They have to understand that when I say I need to be alone with my kids, that it's exactly what I need. They have to understand that I don't introduce them to everyone (or anyone actually, for that matter), and it's only to protect my kids until I'm absolutely certain. I want someone who understands that my business (ie, work, kids, their sports and other activities) come first above everything else. Yeah, we don't have a lot of time as single moms, but what we learn very well and very quickly is effective time management. So, if we're willing to give you the time of day, and you don't want to mess with us, tell us right away, PLEASE. There are other fish in the sea.

Understand that I'm not a damsal in distress. I might have been at one point, but I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt and the child support. (Okay, I got the court ordered child support, doesn't mean I actually get it.) Understand that although my ex did some REALLY crappy things, I'm okay. Understand that he will always have a piece of my heart because not only is he the father of my adorable chitlens, but he was my first love, no matter what crap he pulled, and we've been through a lot together.

And if it gets to a point of an actual long term relationship, understand that while I know how to change a flat tire, plunge a toilet, get legos out of the garbage disposal, mow the lawn, wax my car, clean the gutters, change a lightbulb, and know how to use a drill, etc., I do NOT WANT to do these things. So no matter how much I tell you I'm Miss Independent, just do those "guy things" for me once in a while.

Bottom line, just be honest. That's all I could ever ask for, is honesty. I know that I have built a wall up to protect myself and my kids, but for the few that actually break it down and get to the real socalgirl, there's actually a heart here behind the sarcasm, the big titties and hot ass And, anyone who's ever willing to get behind that wall better know that they'll be kicked right back out if they think it's a smart idea to be dishonest or mess with my head.

'tis all....for now...

 

How to narrow it down to just 4 traits??? There are sooo many traits. But, here are 4 that are really important to me when looking for a man that has long-term relationship potential...

1. Honesty/Communication
2. Patience
3. Cannot have any insecurity issues
4. Has to love kids (duh!)

I'm going to keep this short, because really, I could go on and on about each of these traits.

1 - I respect a man who can be upfront and honest about his intentions. I want that. I don't want to be sold a bill of goods (not that it would work, but I don't want a man to try to with me).

2 - He has to be patient and know that if I have my daughter, I can't be spontaneous. On weekends I don't have her, I can be as spontaneous as ever! And he also has to know that I will always answer my daughter's calls.

3 - With this one, I mean that he can't grow to resent my daughter because I will always put her needs first. And even if we end up together and have kids of our own, this applies to them as well. He has to understand that being a parent means making sacrifices when need be...and that doesn't mean I like/love him any less. It just means that she relies on me for everything, and that I have to be there for her first and foremost.

4 - This may sound like a no-brainer, but I've read too many stories in the news about stupid women who bring horrible men into their lives and their kids suffer. That WON'T be me. He can treat me like a queen, but if, after meeting my daughter, he treats her horribly in any kind of way, I don't care how well he treats me, he's gone. Simple as that. I will not sacrifice my daughter's happiness for anyone.

There is obviously way more to this whole topic. I will reserve the rest for the lucky man who ends up with me and my daughter.

But, Archman, this is a great thread. :smt023

 

Don't worry, Bookie, I think my novel covers at least the introduction...

 

Co-sign to all of this!! I want a partner, not a savior. :smt023

 

And all of us have really only scratched the surface on this topic. :smt103

 

Little did Archie know....he was opening a can of worms....

 

I wanted to open up a can of worms...there are so many great women with children who if treated kindly, can bring men genuine happiness. Make of it, what you want here is
Archman’s Creed:
Mothers seem to try harder---Mothers play less games are more serious---Mothers are more appreciative of little things ---Mothers are more responsible with money---Mothers, for their children sake will most likely not have a revolving front door and there-fore will offer you more exclusivity---Mothers, if you are a man of good character ,will let you help to mentor their children---Mothers who have you as their lover, will most likely be great lovers because they will make the best of the privacy with you---Mothers are usually good cooks and will keep you well fed, provided you buy and help to unpack the groceries---Mothers make great wives, when given the chance to reconstruct a complete family---Mothers on this forum are sadly too far away and rooted in their lives and so this is will have to serve as an education and pooling of ideas.

 

Thanks for sharing ladies.

 

You're right on with all of that in my book, Arch.

And for the record, I do believe this is about the biggest 'insight to my soul' I've ever posted about here publicly.

 

well I wrote the next chapter to our novel but it somehow disappeared.

I would agree with much of your assessment Arch. As with anything, be careful about generalizations. There are plenty of moms who can't cook (or wont), some who are more than happy to relocate, etc.

There are those who have been in relationships for many years and those who have not. Some are more "wifey types", others not...and some have NO intention whatsoever of being there again.

I do think that most of us (hopefully) think in terms of "we" rather than I. The thing is that whatever we are doing in life, it affects other people and we are very aware of that. Every single thing we do and say is being watched by our children. We are showing them how to live and how to have relationships. We're going to ultimately do what's in the best interest of the children...ALWAYS. And that means making sure we are taken care of too.

The other moms made some excellent points!

Socal - such a great point about our doing things ourselves. I know I've taken flack for that in the past. The truth is that we are used to doing it all (or most) ourselves. It's not that we necessarily want to...it's the way it is. Given that it is usually me with my 2 little ones, I just do things. I don't stop and think - Ok I need some help here. So, it needs to be offered. One time long ago I was at a friends bringing some things in from my car and he got miffed at me and said something like: dang girl can't you ask anyone for help ever?! I hadn't even THOUGHT about it. He could have easily come out and offered to help. It wasn't that I didn't want help or would refuse it - I just go about my life doing my thing. If I waited for someone to help with everything, I wouldn't get anything done!

 

Archman, I appreciate that you have found positive things about mothers. It's usually the opposite, with kids being a very big negative for a man. You are a gem!

 

This is true to an extent. But we really have to stop from making single moms out to be superhuman creatures. I mean, we're all human, and I would argue the same thing can be said for not only single dads, but also single adult people living on their own.

If you're an able-bodied adult of sound mind, you have to deal with all of those things yourself, as well. Just because we are females who happen to do it with kids in tow, doesn't really make us any better, in my opinion. I would be doing this stuff regardless.

I also know men who wouldn't know a hammer if their lives depended on it, and I know women who have no qualms about using power tools, or fixing the plumbing, etc. Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean I don't know how to do those things and just because you're a man, doesn't automatically mean you CAN do those things.

It's an individual thing, in my opinion, and it is NOT dependent on whether or not you have children.