Is this a man thing or a Double Standard?

I'll take a shot at tackling this question.

First of all, am I the only one that DOESN'T think this is a double standard issue? To me it sounds like more of an issue of insecurity on the part of one particular man. Him saying that you have no clue how he feels because "he's a guy" was, in this case, a classic cop out, a smokescreen to veil a deeper hurt.

Now, what tonytony has described about men not wanting to "go out with a woman that people they know have been with" is pretty accurate for many men. I don't know many women that would want to do that either if it meant that the past kept being rubbed in their faces, colliding with the present. I don't know about laughing per se, but I know what tonytony is getting at. Until we are fully independent, many men are still extremely judgmental of each other. We form hierarchies. One of the criteria is the amount of women that a guy has been with. Another is how "beautiful" those women are. We translate these to mean "reputation" and how good a man is with women. Some guys will give other guys high fives and props just for being SEEN with an attractive woman. Sad, but true.

This also works against us. If a guy is with what other guys in his group deem to be an unattractive woman, that guy will be dissed and put-down. (Usually not done in front of her.) What is silly is that the same happens if the guy is with a woman who is purportedly "easy". (I think it's jealousy to be honest, because she was "easy" for him, but not for them.)

Solution #1 - Discretion. If guys could only stop bragging about their "conquests", then no one would know who was with whom.

Solution #2 - Maturity. Know who you are, know what you want and accept it. Be fine with it. Unless it belongs to someone I admire and respect, I'm just not concerned with the opinion of others when it comes to determining my personal life.

Having said that, feel free to disregard my opinion as well.

 

drklvr, this is well thought out and to include solutions is fantastic! Thank you for sharing it.

 

Yes. There is a double standard but that doesn`t mean you must buy into it.

Your man seems insecure. Question: are you comfortable with that type of men?

 

I agree. She is with him and not them. I don`t know if this was mentioned. Too many men think their charm, etc won over the women when the reality is that the relationship is mutual.

I believe women are the complicated ones.

 

The back-and-forth continues.

 

They way society is,women arent suppose to have "booty calls"

Its an obvious double standard,but thats just how it is.Women are suppose to conduct themselves a certain way.
This is why women lie about the number of sex partners they've had.

 

I am sure y'al heard of the rule of 3. I am not sure if it works but .....

Rule of 3

When a lady tells you she slept with X number of guys multiply X by 3.
If a guy tells you he slept with Y number of women, take that number and divide it by 3.

 

then who are the men having booty calls with? on second thought..maybe i don't want to know that

 

Excellent, excellent post drklvr. Maturity does help with this issue considerably. All that matters bosoxlady is that you are with him now.

 

I'll take a shot at tackling this question.

First of all, am I the only one that DOESN'T think this is a double standard issue? To me it sounds like more of an issue of insecurity on the part of one particular man. Him saying that you have no clue how he feels because "he's a guy" was, in this case, a classic cop out, a smokescreen to veil a deeper hurt..[/quote]

You may be right on this part. His ex-wife did cheat on him. What was really surprising to me is that things have been fairly smooth betwen us in the year we have been together. Additionally the fact that we have been friends for almost 2 year prior to dating amde me think that he would never have any insecurity issues. He did admit that part of it is that we are in a long distance relationship now when we were use to being together all the time. The adjustment is harder than he thought

I was purely conincidental that he knows the two others. Believe me, had I KNOWN prior to dating them, he knew them, I would not have done so, as I knew he was interested a long time ago.

Highly unlikely it will ever happen. I know that neither of us brag to our friends. Sort of in the first guy I dated defense, when he ran into us. He said hi to my boyfriend and shook hands with him first, Then said hi to me by name and did not make a big deal. My boyfriend was like"Oh how do you know each other?" I just turned red and Erik said very casually, "Oh we dated". It was not an in your face. The second guy WAS for sure.

Solution #2 - Maturity. Know who you are, know what you want and accept it. Be fine with it. Unless it belongs to someone I admire and respect, I'm just not concerned with the opinion of others when it comes to determining my personal life.

You are dead on right about this part. He has agreed to work on it.

Having said that, feel free to disregard my opinion as well.[/quote]

That was an EXCELLENT reply drklvr. Thank you very much for you input.

 

Othello,

Both genders can be complicated. No, I don't like insecure men, but he had an insecure moment. If it becomes a pattern, then it will change things for sure.

 

you

 

always a traffic jam on lipstick's street :smt118

 

Ok sorry I wouldn't put up with this shit. You need to be telling him the truth - definitely. But the point is....is he a grown man or not? Are you a grown woman or not?

Whatever he has going on are his own issues that he needs to deal with. That's not on you. You aren't responsible for anything his ex did. So what you went out with someone he knows. I mean unless you purposely did it - so what?!

I wouldn't intentionally go out with anyone that was a friend of someone I had been with in the past....just not my thing. But the truth is that there is often no way to know of every single person that someone has come across in life. If I was with someone and happened to find out that I had dated someone he knew - SO WHAT! That has nothing to do with him or with us. Whatever happened before you two got together really doesn't matter. And to me if someone is hung up on those things - that's something to take a good hard look at.

Life is too short for this drama crap!

You never know what's going to trigger someone's insecurity. It could be the distance, it could be that he's been thinking more in terms of marriage - whatever. But again...his insecurities are things he needs to deal with. The only think you can do is take responsibility for anything you did wrong and handle that.

 

BULLS-EYE!!!

 

excuse me...i think you have had too much birthday cake:smt113...you must not be feeling well...

 

Hey I figure it's a good thing when guys act like idiots. It shows us very clearly how they are and if they are worth messing with or not.

 

Insecurity is just the icing on the cake. Your problem with your man is TMDGI...Too much gotdamn information! Your man knows waaaaayyy too much about your past. Yeah, you know too much about his, but women have learned not to judge men's sexual pasts (you judge our past conduct in other areas) but a woman's sexual past is at the top of our list!

We men dont care as much about our womens sexual past...as long as that past consists of long term relationships. But what we dont want to hear is that our woman was some guys booty call...that she had guys she called for booty calls...or that she engaged in just "fucking around." It makes our woman sound cheap and whore-ish...and thats where the mental images of our woman fucking other dudes begins to haunt us. (He's thinking "not only was she fucking him...SHE WAS GETTING FUCKED!")

Then your problem is compounded by the fact that he knows that you cheated on your husband and that his ex cheated on him...so he's emotionally relating both of your actions and comparing the two of you...and thats a bad thing.

Top that off with two dudes you dated rolling up on him in two days...and one of them being "just a booty call" :smt087. Oh, and to make matters worse...youre in a stressful long distance relationship with him! (double :smt087) Hell, Im tempted to tell you to cut your losses.

 

oh whoops - I missed the part about her cheating on her ex.....ummm yah that definitely adds some shit to the space!

 

You guys are all really helpful. Right now, I am just letting what happens happen. We had a good consevation last night and are trying to move past it. Hopefully we will with time, effort, and patience.

Jelly maybe you are right that we both know too much about each others past. I think it is because we knew each other for a long time before we became a couple, which can have its advantages and its drawbacks.

If I have learned anything from the whole experience is that no matter how much two people care about each other and how smoothly things can go, conflict can arise. I have also learned that when someone is right for you, that you need to work at it before throwing in the towel. Yes I let my temper get the better of me when I said that the one guy was booty call. I said it so we knew that the guy did not mean anything. In terms of his mentally comparing me to his ex, we are very different in a relationship, and he has told me that. I have admitted that my infidelity in the past was wrong. In fact it hurt ME more than anyone else. I have learned from it, moved past it and built a new life and way of thinking that would not include infidelity again.