Is this a man thing or a Double Standard?

Okay, my boyfriend and I are in a HUGE fight but we are working on making up. Here is the issue. We were out Tuesday for his birthday, we ran into a guy that I use to "date", sort of. He comes over and says hi. Turns out that he is friend of my man's cousin. Kenn asked him how he knew me and he replied, "we use to date". Kenn was not happy. He said that it would akward seeing this guy when he hangs with his cousin as he had been with me too. Then he droppped it.

Then Thursday we are out shopping for a gift for his mom and we ran into a guy he hates that he went to college with, and who, conincidently, I was very briefly involved with. He stops and says hi to me, ask how I am, and nods at Kenn. Kenn ask how I know him, well after his reaction the first time, I say that it is work related, Kenn said that was not the vibe he read, so I admitted that I had gone out with guy#2 a couple of times. We get back to his place and he hands me a pen and paper and ask me to make of a list of every guy I have dated in the community, so if he knows them, he can avoid them!!!! He said that its hard for him to imagine me with anyone else other than my ex-husband.

I told him that he was being a child. He then asked how I "felt about them". I said I don't feel anything. He was like , "how do you think I feel". I got pissed and said "Well, at least my ex-spouse isn't still carrying a torch for me like yours is." He got upset and was like "I can't control her feelings, she knows that we are together.And I don't hide my love for you " and then asked how I would feel if we ran into someone other than his ex-wife that he had been involved with.

I said I could care less. We both are adults and have a past, we have been happily together for a year, and he's with me, not them, so why would I care? He said that I have no clue how he feels as I am not a guy.

So I exploded and said his cousin's friend was just booty call and the other guy there was no chemistry , and I left. I went out with my friends last night and did not talk to him at all yesterday.

We just had a 2 hour phone conversation, we both have calmed down and have agreed not to talk about exes every again and to concentrate on each other. But I am pissed about the double standard of a man getting annoying if a woman has had a booty call in the past, but it is socially fine for a guy to do so.

Thoughts?

 

Bosoxlady, i agree that there is a double standard. Definitely. Men just think much differently about things than women. Even things that might not make much sense logically, such as getting upset at your woman having a booty call in the past when you've had one yourself. Men are territorial, so it probably affects them a little more to know who you were with in the past, than the other way around. To a man, it's very unsettling to see the face of the guy that slept with your woman, even if it was in the past. Just my opinion. Could be wrong though.

 

It is sad that there is still this double standard. Don't men realize the woman they dated is not a virgin and had dated a man before them? The territorial thing gets out of hand. If a woman gets mad when they see a woman her boyfriend or husband once dated the guy thinks she is jealous and tells her to get a chill pill. Some women can be territorial too.

 

bosox...omg...too funny...if i were you i would have taken the piece of paper and asked for a few more sheets and told him you were going to need a couple of hours to work on his assignment...

yes, there is a double standard:smt120...this is where i draw the line when it comes to jealousy...i could not date a man that wasn't living in the now...bottomline, you are with him and he should feel proud that he is the one you decided to be with while leaving all the other men in the dust...

 

Yeah I think he is trying to live in the present. It was a moment that he blew, so now it is proceed with caution.

I did ask him he he wanted me to include that guy who snapped my bra on the bus in junior high

 

okay, yes, its a double standard, men are like this for a reason:

Guy#2 (G2), who stopped to talk to you and gave your man that head nod, that was a getback.

Both men didn't get along AND you and the ex had dated in the past....So it was like the ex was getting back at your present boyfriend..."Hey, I already had your girl"..."you got my sloppy seconds!!"..."Everytime you kiss her ,you're tasting my cock juice."..."Bet I could get her again if I want to."..."She's your girlfriend but she was my freak ."....that's the behavior he's showing by approaching and starting a conversation....GOTCHA!!!!

He was one-upping your boyfriend.If he was cool ,he could have just said hello to both of you in passing and stayed to himself.

The fact you lied about it when he asked you made it even worse...lol

Men compete like this with each other...We hate hearing about other men being with our woman in the past because when word gets around... the shit 's embarassing !!!!!

I think that's a Man Law: if you know at least 2 guys that dated your woman... your pride starts tellin' ya that you're dating a hooch.

During sex, you start to wonder what she did with the other guys..why she does (a specific sexual act) so well..who she's been practicing on,etc.

We don't want another man to get what we have..it feels like he has an advantage over us....like you're the last man in line for the gang bang ..thinking "Why I gotta go after everbody else!!?!!!"

funny ass story....although I'm surprised at you Bosox, you give a lot of good pointers in the past when it comes to relationships.

I'm surprised you put your boyfriend in that situation with the second guy.
Even if you saw the ex approaching and he started to conversate..you're supposed to intoduce him to your current boyfriend (rather they knew each other or not), substitue "I" for "We" when discussing where you've been up to lately.... affectionately hold your boyfriend's hand, just to signal to the ex that he was the past and your current beau was the present and the future.
Guys love that shit....even when things aren't going well in a relationship, we appreciate the front or show of unity being made in public.

 

It absolutely is a double standard, men fucking around is fine but a woman is automatically labeled a slut etc etc ... in your case though, he shouldn't give a fuck who you were with before him. All that shit shouldn't matter and if it matters to him then its his own issues, low self esteem and insecurity.

 

Thanks for all of that from a male point of view. I will try to hit all your points
1. Guy #2- We went out twice and didn't do the deed. I found him to be an arrogant jerk after the 2nd date and was not interested in anything more. I have know my man for 3 years, and waited 2 to date him, so we had a good base going into the relationship, so I did feel that his reaction to someone I went on two date with WAS over the top. I did not introduce them because I knew from casual conversation with my man that they know each other. I did tell my man that I knew him, but once he indicated that he could not stand Guy#2, I let it ride, as he is not a factor in my life. I AGREE COMPLETELY that Guy #2 was doing EVERYTHING you said to My man, but how is THAT my fault? I was holding hands and smiling when he walked by stopped and said hi. The encounter was probably less than 10 seconds

2. You are RIGHT that I should not have lied intially, but based on his reaction two days before , I did not want to get into it as he was only back home for a week and I did not want to spoil our time together

3. In terms of the first guy, he KNEW that I had been involved with someone right after my marraige ended and that it was JUST A REBOUND. I met my man from his sister who is in grad school with me. He had asked me out right when I split up with my husband, but I said no because he was split up for the 2nd time with his wife and also going though a divorce. I wanted to 1. Make sure that he WAS getting a divorce 2. I knew he could be Mr. Right and I needed Mr Right Now. His divorce was messier than mine and I wanted the dust to settle. When it did settle and we started dating, we agreed right away to be exclusive and that the PAST was the PAST. So I never divulged who my rebound was. I had no idea that they knew each other as Rebound guy is not from here.

4. I don't stay in touch with either one, so they are no threat. I don't even think about either of them.

Back to today. I just dropped him off at the airport to go back to Atlanta. We have made some peace with this. He admitted that his reaction probably would not have been what it was if he was still living here and we were not in a long diatance relationship at the moment. He only moved down there for work 2 months ago, and we are both adjusting to the change in our relationship. We had agreed when he got the job that it was best for him to take it so that in the near future, we can start over in a place where our ex-spouses are not a factor, as his can be very trying. I have another year commitment to my job and my kids in terms of staying up here. I told him that and he understood that after a 20 year marriage for me that I need to get my life where I want it before I get married again. He also admitted that he felt thretened coming face to face with my past and knowing that both guys are down the street while he is 1500 miles away and we are only together once a month right now.I told him that HE is the man that I love and that he just has to trust that.

5. Thanks for giving me the insight as to what he MAY be thinking when we are intimate. I know that myself and all the women that I am good friends with would agree that when you love someone and are being intimate, as a woman, we don't think about where a man learned his skills in the bedroom from. For me at least nobody else enters my mind when I am with him

Anyhow thanks for the perspective and you gave me and idea for a thread in the ladies room.

 

Oh Brother, bosoxlady there are some things you need to know.


most men dont want to go out with a woman that people they know have "been with". Even if she has had like 30 partners before. As long as he doesn know or is not connected to any of them it wont really bother him.

Whats worse is if one of the people is someone he cant stand, then that will really irk him, hence his somewhat childish reaction.

One of the golden rule for most men is to avoid getting into "serious relationships" with women that people you know have been with.

This is not the same as say "number of Partners", if your approach to this issue is to throw the double standard by men label, then you will have problems with your guy.

The reason he asked you to write down partners within your community is so he can avoid surprises like the other two guys. In his mind he will be wondering how many others are laughing at him behind his back. You should use the pen and paper thing as an opportunity to reassure him and to ease any "how many other people I know have slept with my girlfriend and are secretly laughing at me" worries, people minds and imagination can become very active and get it completely wrong. seriously you should just humour him with his pen and paper, it will go a long way.

 

I understand what your are saying about the first part I guess. I have only been single for 3 years and married young, so I am just sort of learning the mind of men in dating situations.

As far as obliging him in terms of a list, it is pointless. I was only intimate with the first guy, not the second. I was not with anyone on any level besides them. Like I said he left and we agreed not to talk about it further and reiterated our agreement about the past being the past. There are not more surprises for him. He needs to process and get over it.

 

i understand, but when he does process it he might get it wrong and end up with a different view of you and that wont neccesarily be his fault. if you guys have agreed not to talk about it anymore, then Ok. but Bear in Mind its not like he goes away and thinks its great that he doesnt know.
Good luck to you anyway in your relationship, hope it works out well.

 

From a male perspective, why would a man think the others that he may know who she's been with, are laughing at him ? HE has HER they don't, so I really can't understand how he would think they're laughing at him.

You men are complicated animals

 

FIXD.

 

Spoken for truth. Deciphering feelings, and other things that go through a woman's mind, is very hard work.

 

I knew someone would point that out -- LOL

Although not answer my question.

 

As are deciphering feelings and things that go thru mens minds for us women. You men are not simple. Its very hard work figuring out how to work around your collective sensitive egos to try not to bruise it.

 

Well now you know how many men feel about women.

Neither of us are "easy" to figure out.

 

True again. Men do have sensitive egos that need to me managed, so i definitely can't argue with that.

 

Not all men! Egotism is the anesthetic that deadens the pain of stupidity.

 

Maybe ego is a bad word for it. It does seem like men have something inside that requires them to always feel "in control" of a situation. Not sure if it's an ego thing or not.