I really need advice

I completely agree with you. Some men in my family have cheated and its like a knee jerk reaction for women to blame the other woman before blaming the man. I don't get that at all. As I've said before, the man is the one that has everything to lose and is the one playing the games etc on his wife/family so the blame should be on him no matter if the "other woman" knew he was married or not. Also, some of these cheating men are not innocents and go after the women... and if the woman sees that he doesn't give a crap about his wife etc why should she.

 

Couldn't agree with you more.

 

agree with you!...

Ive been in both situations. I've had a guy cheating on me while i was pregnant with his 2nd child and the oldest was only 16 months old. And the other woman knew about me. I even went for a coffee with her before he fucked her( they worked together) lol...Did i blame her ? Nope. Not a bit. He cheated cause our relationship were fucked up, He made his choice( he didnt stay with her, but he made a choice to touch another woman) and i kicked him out right after hehe..

Men can do their blah blah really well too.Met so many married men who try to be happy infront of their wife but inside their heart they are really unhappy in relationship and seek for some1 on a side. Ive been with married man. Did i feel bad for his wife?..No, not really . When married man is cheating on his wife meaning their relationship isnt healthy anyways...I didnt feel bad for his wife and i didnt feel bad for myself when i was cheated on...

Trust me when relationship is filled with love cheating doesnt occur :smt050

 

True you don't know what he has told her, and I do not blame a woman who is lied to and is not aware he is married. But if she knows he is married is where the blame comes in. I don't think most women would blame her if she didn't know, and if she stopped it as soon as she found out.

Absolutely, no one is saying the man is innocent, he is absolutely wrong, even is she went after him. He is the one that's married.

You are right, that if a man is cheating there is probably a problem in the relationship, but many of us believe that they either need to work it out, or get out, and your interference makes working it out nearly impossible, as you yourself mentioned above, when your man cheated on you.

The things that have been said on other threads tend to allude to the "fable" that the man isn't getting good sex at home, and therefore must seek it elsewhere, and there I beg to differ. Some men will cheat, even when it is all good at home, and some men will cheat even when their wives love them and are willing to do almost anything to make the marriage work.

In that case it's the man who doesn't love the wife, and that is still a marriage problem admittedly, but if you know he has such issues why would you want him anyway?? A man who can't be faithful to his wife will most likely not be faithful to the girlfriend either, and may very well have more than one at the same time, while cheating on his wife.

I guess I should say, if that is the quality of the relationship you all want then more power to ya!!

 

Why blame her if she knew he's married ? Like you said Tinkerbell, HE is the one that's married and should just keep it in his pants. Why should "she" stop even if she knows from the get go that he's married or if she finds out at a later time. Like I said in my other post, if she sees that he doesn't give a shit about his wife/marriage then why should she.

Exactly and what I meant when I said that the married men go after the women is that some of these men are very upfront about being married, there's no taking off the ring etc and they still chase other women.

I think studies have been done on this and men usually don't cheat because of sex but more because of emotional / intimacy issues within the marriage. Sometimes what one perceives as enough or good enough may not appear to be so to another, ie the husband. I'm not saying its the wife's fault because she may not even be aware something IS wrong .. I think it all comes down to communication within that marriage.

 

I like you. :smt050

I'm not trying to justify anything, but what Serendipity said is so right on in my book. If the man doesn't care, then why should the other woman? What, because there is some woman code out there that we should care? I think that the conclusion I came to was that I was more upset with my ex that he didn't love me anymore, not that he had an affair. I had no idea he was so unhappy, and that's what bothered me more than anything.

Some men cheat just for sex, some men don't. The ones that don't usually have it all calculated out in their heads as to when to start an affair, who to start it with, and they've usually weighed out the ramifications as to what happens if and when they get caught. They've already decided that their current relationship is over, and while I agree that they should just be a man about it and own up to the break up, they are men and they simply don't think like women.

Realizing things like this helped me to get rid of ALL my anger towards my ex, and surprisingly enough we actually can deal with each other as adults (due to the kids) instead of still being mad at each other. I was mad that he left, he was mad that I wouldn't just let go.

The gal that my ex cheated with (who happened to be a friend of mine), I only know now what all he was telling her. And in his mind, he wasn't lying. Yeah, he felt bad about leaving me and his kids, but he was done with the relationship. Why should I have any hard feelings towards her? She fell in love with him, and people do crazy things when they're in love. So give me all of the "I would never allow myself to fall in love with a married man," and the "I would never cheat on someone because I know what it's like to be in the other person's shoes," but never say never cuz if it ever happens to you, you're going to be emailing Webbie to delete all of your old posts, because you'll no longer agree with yourself.

 

Maybe because you have a decent heart and care about the feelings strangers you have never met, like some people do...

And the same answer goes for socalgirl here below......

Yeah, I would NEVER do it... but you see I know that, because I don't sleep with men I'm not married to... and I'm sure many of you think that's strange too. But if you do then you are putting yourself at risk of sleeping with a married man, or worse, so that's your choice I guess...:smt017

I can tell some people are not discussing this rationally anymore, and the first thread on this was a heated but rational discussion, this one has become defensive, as if I were morally accusing some of you of sleeping with my man... I never intended this to be a personal attack on anyone, but I simply do not, and probably never will think the other woman holds no blame.

I was just saying it doesn't matter if you think it's right or not to blame her, SHE WILL GET BLAMED!! I personally believe rightly so.

 

I was married most of my life. I've never cheated in any relationship. My first husband did cheat at the end of the relationship.

I've never blamed another woman or went after her. That's just simply not my style.

However, that doesn't mean that each person involved isn't responsible for their part in things. But to me it's just senseless to go after another woman. And yes I've watched some women do some really outrageous vicious things to try to get with a married man. But to me a MAN is not going to be allowing ANY *thing* to get into his relationship...period. A woman would not open herself to any *thing* coming between her and her man either....meaning she doesn't open herself to another man or do things to place her man down the line in priorities.

And do NOT take that to mean that I think if a man cheats on his wife it's the wife not giving him enough or any of that. Sorry that's a character defect with him, not her. Leave the damn marriage if you have to go do it somewhere else.

I have NO respect for anyone who messes with someone who is in a committed relationship...marriage or otherwise.

 

We should get an emoticon of beating a dead horse, because I fully realize that is what I'm about to do. Sorry, I just need to vent a little, it's been a bad few days.

Tink, I DO care about other people, even strangers. But you're making it sound like the wife/girlfriend is a saint. What if she's not? What if she's cheating? What if she beats the kids? What if she is completely self serving and doesn't give a rat's ASS about her husband and what he's doing? What if she takes him for granted and doesn't treat him the way HE deserves to be treated? And besides all of that, whether or not it's true, you KNOW that is what the man in any situation such as this is going to tell his thing on the side. So if that's the reality for the thing on the side, why should she care?

My ex told his gal that I never cleaned, I left dirty diapers everywhere, I didn't pay attention to our son, never cooked, I never wanted to have sex, he even told her at one point that I was cheating on him. And even though none of things were true (except for the not wanting to have sex part, I put a lot of weight on during that pregnancy, and felt completely gross which was also due to the fact that he told me that every day), why should she believe any differently? Even though she and I were friends, we weren't very good friends, and her relationship was with my ex, not with me. So, think about it this way. If she's under the impression that someone (me) was hurting the person that SHE cared about (My ex), WHY should she even CONSIDER my feelings?!

It's all about perceptions.

 

I agree with Serendipity: he's the one his wife should be blaming. Not you. You don't owe that woman anything. He's the one who promised to God and the government to love her and be faithful 'til he's rotting in his grave. If his wife should be harassing someone, it's him. Not you! You can fuck as many married men you like to, and noone has the right to blame anyone but the husbands. Married men have free will, just like anyone else.

That being said: get rid of him ASAP!
He's been cheating on his wife repeatedly over a long, long time, so he's going to cheat on you too before you know it.

BTW: socalgirl: is this emoticon good enough for you?

 

Awww SHOOT I must have missed that one!!! Yes, yes it's good enough. I'll be sure to use it in the future when I can't get off a tangent...:smt061