A WW's experience with prejudice....

great post. I've been the only white person in a lot of occasions and I hated it. That's why I feel bad when I see those poor african guys here and all the ppl look at them like they are shit...

 

What a good point K. Now my mom is not racist but she's not in favor of interracial relationships there have been none in my family so she's never really been exposed to it. She is not happy at the fact of me dating/ being in relationships with black men. I haven't been in a long term relationship yet but I know she would be tolerate it hoping I'd get out of this "phase". However, marriage and children, I know she would be dead set against. Am I going to let that keep me from marrying a black man or having mixed raced kids ? No but I know that the negativity will not only come from her but from my extended family as well. That has been what's kept me from dating interracially just trying to please the fam, I know crazy as I was; but I got the point now where my happiness is more important to me. So whoever "approves" great, whoever "disapproves" take a hike.

As far as getting looks etc .. I've had some staring and dirty looks when I've been out with black men. Mostly are from the older people and I personally notice more from women (black and white). It doesn't bother me in the least, I don't give a fuck .. if anything it makes me even more proud to be on with him.

 

That reminded me of school ... most of my friends from elementary thru high school were black or hispanic and it was a very strange experience with other white kids, they were not as "accepting". It did feel strange being the only white girl in the group but I know I felt more comfortable with them than I did with the white kids. Its just strange because of the stares from the others like why is she with them sort of crap.

 

I'll tell you...one of the conversations that would come up frequently on adoption boards was about race and why those who were not open to adopting black infants were not. Many would talk about their family, friends, community. One of the things that I would ask them then was....why wouldn't it concern you to bring a white child into that same environment? Maybe the attitudes aren't directed towards that white child but they are being exposed to the same. There were many who would talk about that they didn't realize how their husband, family,friends were about race until they started looking into adoption. Then suddenly it was different - wait a minute you are thinking about having a black child come into our house/family?

I've been amazed at some who think it's SUCH a great thing that I've adopted a black child yet have a very different attitude once they realize I date black men.

I've already talked about my friends and family on this - it's not an issue and it's something I know about absolutely...I live it every day.

Interesting that you say she's not a racist but she's not in favor of IR.

 

You know, I don't think she's racist but I do think she's borderline racist. I've had many a conversation even argument with her just regarding some comments that she has made etc. I cannot/ will not tolerate racist or any other hateful comments from people family or not. We got into heated arguments over it too; same with my "preferance" she's hoping its a phase. I think it would take her some time to warm up to the idea of me being in an IR. I know she would never make him feel unwelcomed its just that dating and serious long term relationship / marriage is a completely different animal and I know she would have a serious problem with the latter. But then she's very much one of those people that deeply cares what the neighbors will think, what the cousins twice removed will think etc so I think a lot of her resistance for lack of a better word, are deeply rooted in that as well as there never being an IR in our family. No one has ever dated or married outside of race or even nationality for that matter. I was raised in the US since I was 5 and she still wants me to date/ marry a Russian man. THAT she knows will NEVER happen and that still upsets her as everyone in my family has not only never dated IR they have never been in relationships with anyone other than Russian people ... so I got it on both ends - LOL

As for friends I know my friends wouldn't care or make a big deal about it so that's not an issue.

 

I am a mom in a small country town that is mostly white people who are very racist. I have a child who is mixed race (african american/white) and i get alot of comments or stares when i walk into a grocery store or into a community function. I just smile at the people and just think of my son who is a wonderful beautiful boy who i would never change for anything in this world. People can be ignorant but if you love who you are then that is all that matters. I am proud of my son for who he is and for what he has learned not to judge anybody for their color,sex or disability.

 

:smt024Great input ladies. My guess is that the reaction in more rural areas would be different than those in more urban areas.

Naturally, where I live, nobody really rubbernecks cause its so common.

CONTRAST

However, KnCA brought up a good scenario. Ladies, what about the contrast in the reactions of people when they see you alone vs. seeing you with your children.

For the ladies w/out children, what about when you're with your man? (Assuming the ladies on here are trully involved with BM)

...Bruthas, no introspective input?

 

I've lived in a variety of areas. I lived in the foothills (actually more like BFE) in a rather upscale environment with vineyards all around. There I'm sure people took notice and had whatever thoughts they might have had but they kept them to themselves and if anything would go out of their way to play nice. Most were transplants from big cities (SF, LA, even some east coast). Many were retired and they were organic farmers or had llama ranches, wineries, and so on.

Mostly I've lived in suburbia. And yes I'm fully aware that I sport the soccer mom image. Last year I moved from an upscale area in one community to another that was much more diverse...even though it's a matter of minutes away. In the first area it's like people would go out of their way to be accepting. In this area it's more just that we are naturally accepted.

It's almost like there is this interest in a multi-racial/multi-ethnic more sophisticated environment. As long as it's the "right" type of people. I was talking with one of my current neighbors not long ago about a townhouse complex I had lived in prior to this one and she made the comment about how there were all sorts of drug dealers there. The assumption was that because there were well dressed black men driving nicer cars, they must be drug dealers. What she didn't realize is that I had spoken with several and they were well educated professionals. Some were former athletes transplanted from LA, others jr. execs.

Of course I also live in California and I've traveled and lived in enough other areas to know that there is a difference.

I also think that often times the difference is seen in various socio economic levels. I know I've said this other times. Personally, I've had more comments on questions going to Wal Mart or McDonalds than any other place. I'm not saying there aren't concerns from others, maybe it's just more covert. But I think that those who have traveled more, experienced more, are better educated tend to be more open and simply don't really care.

 

Serendipity, youre a sweet, honest, loving person...but you have some deep, self-hate issues you need to deal with.

 

Its amazing how children can bridge the racial divide.

 

Children have a way of melting even the hardest of hearts.

 

Wow Knca i did not know you adopted, i have a nosey question did you find it hard to adopt a child of a different race, here in England they now mainly prefer to put kids into a family of the same race or similar, obviously that only applies if you adopt an English child, they do the same with fostering here now, it hasn't always been that way, i always wonder if kids benefit from it or whether they miss out on some fantastic parents:???:

Are things as stringent when adopting in the U.S ?

 

Part of the problem in the US with adoption is that it's really up to each state. It can be very different in different areas. Our adoption was a private open adoption in a different state. Some areas are more open to "transracial" adoption (that's the term used in the adoption world) and some social workers are more open to it. There are still those who are firmly against it and will not support it at all.

In the US we have public foster to adopt. Some states (like California) will do everything possible to not terminate parental rights until the adoptive family is secured. They do not want to intentionally create orphans. There is a huge need for families to adopt children with the public system. There is also a huge need to adopt privately. In Foster adopt it really depends on the social worker and the area one lives in as to how difficult the adoptions will be. I think it's always prefered to place a child with a family of the same racial makeup. But the truth is there just are not enough homes for black children in the US. In many areas there are more Foster Parents of color but they often will not adopt the children.

The truth is that there is a racial/gender hierarchy that is quite prevalent in the adoption world. If anyone wants a good lesson on the truth about racism in the US all they need to do is venture into the adoption world.

People tend to go with international adoption rather than domestic private adoption. There are all sorts of myths and stereotypes that breed fear in regards to domestic transracial adoption. I started out looking towards international adoption and then ended up going with a private domestic adoption. I wanted the birth mother/family to be able to choose what they felt was best for their child. And I wanted my child to be able to know her story.

With the celebrity adoptions recently, there has been increase in transracial adoption. Many adoption agencies have reduced rates for transracial adoption and this makes it attractive to some out there. I have a huge issue with this. While I think that the fees are outrageous and there are many things that need to be done about the adoption industry, I don't agree with discounting children because of their race. In the US it's still possible to get aid for children of color because it's deamed a disability. There are also those who will go with transracial adoptions simply because the wait may be much shorter or non-existent. So I think there are some valid concerns about the motives of some who are looking to adopt transracially.

At one point, I was looking to adopt again and I was going through the public system. I can tell you that they were much more interested in placing a black or biracial child with me now after having my daughter than they would have been prior. I was told that they would fast track an infant adoption. Now in that regards to the public system, it's not only different from state to state but from county to county.

 

Wow that makes you sad, discount children, i bet some aren't entirely non swayed by the money issue not a good idea in my opinion.

Im not surprised they see you as viable now, once upon a time when i was still with my husband i looked into fostering spoke to social worker aunts and a fostering agency they were exstremely keen to get people with even just a mixed enviroment, ie you are suitable for white, black and mixed children, sadly in the end my husband was not keen on the idea, i must admit i was a little disapointed.

I admire you going the private adoption way, giving your child a chance to know there roots and giving the biological parent some peace of mind.