Something I don't want to read about in the News!

Well, my neighbors, (the apt right next to mine) are an IR couple, he's black about 19 yrs old and she's white, about 24 yrs old, married with a little girl. (I don't know how old probably about 2.) Which brings up questions of it's own.

Anyway, they fight all the time. I saw her yesterday and she has a nasty bruise on her left eye. She's a small gal, about 5'3" and he's about 5'10" or so with a lot of muscle. I hadn't seen the little girl in about a month, so I asked her what was up with her daughter, ends up Child Services took the kid away and placed her with the grandparents. So I asked her about the bruise, and she told me straight up that he hit her, and things had been pretty bad. She asked me if I had been hearing them, and I said I did hear arguing sometimes. I know he's done it before, and she's left him, but she keeps going back. She said he's seeing other women, and she's been upset over that. Oh, and she's pregnant again.

Anyway, I don't know what to say to her, I told her to call me or just holler real loud if she ever wants me to call the cops. She said, it doesn't do any good. He's already been locked up for it. Well, I told her if it gets very loud I will call them anyway.

So I was hoping to get some input on how I may aproach it, anyone with any experience, care to impart some wisdom?

 

I know you wanna be helpful to someone in need, but people who suffer Domestic violence tend to seek help when they are ready for it, if she needs you she will seek you out.
All you can do is keep an eye on the situation, like you already have been, and maybe if she asks for advice you can help her, so sad though she has already been relieved of caring for her daughter, you'd think that would make her ready to seek help, but sadly all too often it takes alot more

 

I'm mandated to report - so I do. Simple as that.

I agree with francie about that she needs to do what she needs to do - it's a cycle. The only thing you can really do is to give her information of possible options.

 

WOW!! some of the responses to the threads just really shock me:shock: I was in Domestic Violence for 8 years and i wish someone would have come to me and offer their help. It is NOT an easy situation and most girls are dealthy afraid of leaving to be honest the only way that i could leave was by a cop pretending to arrest me and taking my son with me because my house was shot 75 times by someone and i was afraid for my life and they took me to a shelter and i have never looked back. I would have been dead. LIke i said she is probably scared to leave, there are threats that an abusier gives you that haunts you and they still do to this day to me.

I stess to you as soon as you hear them fight, call the cops, and soon as you hear them yell, call the cops and HELP HELP HELP her in anyway that you can. Give her a safe place to go if she needs to run, help her get away. You could be saving her life.

 

http://www.chicagobreakingnews.com/2008/10/two-dead-in-porter-county-ind-crash.html

 

I agree with you Sweet (and as I stated - I have to report anything and everything)...however, the cycle of abuse is strong and if she is continually going back to him even after her child has been taken and she does NOT want to leave him - there is only so much anyone can do. She can call and report any time she sees or hears anything and she can offer the woman information and help.

But if the gal doesn't want to get out - one can only do so much.

 

You know the funny thing about domestics, the mofos get mad at you for responding 'cos you're all up in their business.

 

Only the abusers are pissed off when you get involved with them and their relationships the victims believe it or not are thankful to whoever gets up all in their business because it saves them a little time from getting beat

 

Not always.

 

of course the victim is not going to express that because they will be beaten even more, they are really thankful when you interupt what is going on..

this is a very touchy topic for me i guess i just know it from experience

 

I think there are those of us who have been through all sorts of abuse experiences. Some of us have done all sorts of things to get people out of situations. Some truly do not want to leave. They LOVE him and have their own addiction issues with the person...or whatever it happens to be.

There are definitely those who want out and do want any help possible.

We can't MAKE a woman leave though...she has to be ready.

There are those who have dealt with really harsh consequences in trying to help too.

 

This is something that I suppose I was a bit judgemental on in the late 90's. I eventually accepted contract work with HUD that allowed me to work very closely with CAWC (Chicago Abused Womens Coalition) and a DV Rights advocate. During this short period, I've witnessed and heard very many stories on this topic from women. I've heard conversations with some who wished to get out, others who've felt that there was nothing for them if they were to lose that relationship, and others who felt they deserved it... among many other stories.

More importantly, I am truly sorry to hear that you've experienced it first hand. I hope he, in the end, got what he deserved. There is rarely ever an excuse acceptable to justify one person to putting their hands on another in a relationship.

 

Thank you all for your insightful input, and I know I have to report I to am mandated to report, but this is the first time I saw any kind of real abuse, before this I thought it was just arguing. I guess I meant more, is there anything else I can do to really help her understand how to get out, because, she'll probably go back no matter what, at this point.

 

Spousal abuse is sick. I would imagine that the abused spouse is scared. They've probably been made to feel dependent of the abuser, so it's not easy for them to leave the relationship. It's an unenviable situation

 

Find out if she's staying because she wants to, or if it's because she's afraid he'll kill her. When you're getting beat down by a man all the time and he's telling you he'll kill you if you leave, well, it's hard to not believe it. If it's fear keeping her there point out that there are ways to get her away from him and he'll never have to know. My mom took us to a shelter for battered women and children once. It was the one time that my mom left and dad didn't find us. Every other time he'd track us down and cause so much shit that eventually my mom had no one else to run to. People were scared to let us stay with them, because they knew dad was going to come around and start hurting people. No one wanted to put their families in danger.

Shelters. Stress the shelters, especially the fact that the ones dealing with these sorts of things stress secrecy. It's like going into the witness protection program almost. They'll get you out, send you to other states and everything.

And point out the fact that her other child is in a much better place now, not having to deal with this shit, and the fact that he's apparently beating her while she's pregnant is putting her unborn baby at risk of death.

Stress the "DEATH" part. Frankly, if the life of her children doesn't knock enough sense into her to get her out, especially with the options available, then she may be too far gone already. But report it regardless. Point out that she's pregnant.

If you can't help her, then maybe you can help that baby.

Edit: and another thing. If she gives you excuses as to why she can't leave, then give her excuses why she CAN. If possible, always have a good rebuttal ready. By now she's probably tried to rationalize her staying in a bunch of different ways...try to help her see that the rationalization is the victim mentality speaking, not real sense.

http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/selfassess.htm

There's a checklist for her. Don't give her a copy of it. He might flip out if he sees it. Go over it with her.

http://www.abusedadultresourcecenter.com/safety.htm

http://www.justicewomen.com/tips_escape.html

See if you can get her to visit with you when he'll be gone for a while. You definitely don't want to go to her place, but you need somewhere safe and quiet to talk to her. Print out some of the info above (and more if you do some of your own research) and discuss it with her. Under no circumstances do you give her the information to look over on her own. the situation can get volatile very, very quickly if an abusive spouse sees stuff like that. They can flip out because they realize the person they've been hurting wants to leave, and the threat of them actually doing so increases when they have information and resources to get out.

Hopefully that made sense. I dunno. It's been a long day and me brain isn't functioning the way it should.


I tried to get my neighbor (and my mom, but that's another story) away from an abusive spouse for a very, very long time. She wouldn't have any of it. He'd gotten her so beaten down emotionally and mentally she didn't have the strength to leave. Sometimes we can bring people back from that point. Sometimes we can't. Don't put yourself in danger, but if you can talk to her, then at least just try talking. Share information and advice on how to get out, but most of all just let her know that you care. Someone in her position generally feels alone, because most of the time the abuser tries to keep them cut off from everyone else. Let her know she has someone worrying about her. Sometimes that can help.

 

DH, thank you very much you have given quite a bit of very practical help on this, thanks especially for the links, I have her personal cell phone number, and I'm sure I'll have an opportunity to speak with her again in the next few days. I'll print out what I can and have it handy.

For those of you who believe in Prayer, you can say a prayer for her, her first name is Nicole.

 

I got way too much firsthand experience with this sort of thing. I just hope you can get through to her. If you need more info I'll totally do some research. Hell I probably will anyhow, if I don't get distracted by something else soon. I got nothing else to do for the next few hours before I head back to the airport.

P.S. I think that name is just cursed. Every other Nicole I meet has to deal with so much shit! That's why I'm Nikki now, instead. *L*

 

Beat her ass yourself for being such a dim-wit and staying with that guy.

That is how I feel sometimes, it is very frustrating that a woman would subject herself to this.

Seriously, as others have said, report, report, report. Be careful also, because he know probably knows that you have been speaking to her. If I were you I wouldn't get into it with him.

 

I know how you feel about some women, and yes, I'll be reporting every time they get into it from now on, since I saw the bruises. He knows I talk to her, and he has already given me a few dirty looks. But he doesn't scare me, really, I know how to hold my own with an idiot like him, but you're right, and I don't speak to him at all, except for the casual, hi, when I see him outside.

You know what makes it even worse, is the guy doesn't even work, just parties all the time, always seems to have bear, and pot, but she's the only one working. Go figure!

 

Well according to my friend who does a Domestic violence support group,and was in the worse kind of abusive relationship herself(though not anymore),

ie the women are forced to go by health visitors and such like, some are out of some are still in these relationships, when these discussions are brought up the most used to dread outside intervention, for fear of putting him in a worse mood, unless you're leaving its not worth upsetting him more and getting a worse beating. surprised you didn't share this fear, to be honest!

The friend was getting hit in a carpark once and a man intervened to help her, but all she could think of was go away plz, go away plz she got beaten worse because of it and she also did not want the man to end up hurt because of her.