what do bm think re controlling the pace of the getting to know process

With the man I am interested in, I am trying to read the signs and to respect his situation and need to relate or not to relate. From our chats so far, I get that he is used to being on his own and is careful after a few hurtful and testing experiences in relationship. Bm, is it a turn-off for a ww to set the pace at the beginning or any time in the relationship?
Love to learn...:d

 

I say go for it, if he feels you are coming on too strong he will let you know. If he likes what he sees, he'll respond.

 

How does he let you know, if he feels you are coming on too strong is it going to doom the relationship, or is he apt to help a girl know how to adjust?

My guy is going at a very slow pace also, I have made a few attempts at speeding things up, but he seems not to respond to that. Although he hasn't slowed it down either. I don't want him to feel I'm pushing for anything, but I think we women are always ready for the next step before the guy is.

 

I guess you guys mean relationship wise and not sex wise. Most BM don't need too much encouragement in the sex dept.

A lot of guys need to be drawn along, I know that was the case with me in our relationship's development. Feel free to think out loud, e.g., "could you see us in a marriage?", or show him a picture of Heidi and Seal and say, "could this be our family someday?".

If he runs, you know how he feels about that, if he sticks around...

 

Oh, we know they don't need much encouragement in the sex dept. That would be easy, you're right it's the relationship department that needs advice. What if he doesn't run, but doesn't take the bait either? :smt100

I tend to think out loud a lot, he usually just laughs sort of nervously, and changes the subject, but then our relationship continues to grow, very slowly! I get the feeling he wants to control the speed of things. One time, I insisted on an answer, and he asked what the big deal was, and I said, "no big deal, you just changed the subject." Then he finally did answer me, and basically said he wasn't ready for that step, but then he continued to grow the relationship slowly taking very small steps forward. He didn't run!

My guy has never been married and is 43 now, that could have something to do with it. Your thoughts?

 

My thoughts are archaic, but you asked, so I'll give it, and it doesn't apply only to you, but to women in general:

Have you heard the saying, "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?"

 

Normally I would agree with you, but in this case he hasn't even tasted the proverbial milk, nor will he have that privilege unless he first buys the proverbial cow! And he knows it!

So do you have any other thoughts on it?

 

The cow, the milk... when you find someone who cares about your feelings, that's a keeper. And yes, men have feelings too.

 

Sampling the milk before marriage is ok provided that the man shows that he is willing to take care of the cow even if he doesn't get to taste the milk.

A good test ladies...see how often he talks about sex vs. commitment. If the sex talk outnumbers the commitment talk by a 2 to 1 ratio or more...beware.

Also...many ladies are comfortable with sex before any real commitment/marriage...again..it's ok...but sometimes a guy can easily hide his true colors because he isn't being tested. If you offer it up before he can ask (and he is the type of guy that is only interested in a booty call)...he ends up getting what he wants without revealing his true motives...you end up thinking that you have a good one..when in reality...he's just taking advantage of your lack of dilligence. If your feelings were only lukewarm before jumping into bed with him...and then they are blazing after you've had sex...take a step back and hit the restart button.

 

Couldn't have said it better

 

Haha, that's nice to hear someone who doesn't have a stereotype of a Scottish person.

Most Americans/other countries tend to think I; wear a kilt (not really my style), eat haggis (I'm vegi), speak like the janitor Willie from The Simpsons (LOL), live in a shack (LOL again) amongst other things. One person on a chatroom years ago didn't even know Scottish people had internet... lol, although she was like 12. I know that's not physical appearance as such though. But yeah, stereotypes are really inaccurate. Like a lot of people over here will tell ya that all US people are obese! And that's certainly not true.

As far as actual looks most people assume Scottish people have red hair and green/blue eyes. There's a lot of people with red hair here and a lot also have pale skin, it's pretty chilly. Really though this is an old trait as most people are mixed with other ethnicities. Scotland is as diverse as the US as far as looks, we're better looking than the English though, but you never heard that from me Just kidding. Apart from accent there isn't a major difference in looks from the other parts of the UK though.

 

I love the Scottish song "Black Is the Colour" as sung by Christy Moore. His voice is so soulful and gentle.

 

Thank you for being so honest and up front, I'm sure some guys would be upset with you spilling the beans.

BTW I have no idea how this thread turned to talk about Scotland and Kilts, I must have missed something.

The original question has not yet been answered however. Could it be that you guys don't really have an answer.

I understood her to mean that she doesn't understand when to take the lead or let the man, in regards to a new relationship.

I would also add, we hear a lot about men enjoying the "chase", and women's need to "play hard to get", and men being scared off if a woman asks for commitment. (I don't believe in playing those games, but I do need to understand when I may be being too forward.)

I guess I was a bit hard to get in the beginning, because of my own fears, but now I feel like I need to constantly gently prod him on in order to advance the relationship. We are mainly communicating via email and phone calls right now, because he is in Iraq, but I still want to get to know him better so we don't start over when he gets back, I don't expect a real commitment, but just a steady understanding and growing closer would be nice. So I tell him little tidbits about my life or I ask questions about his, and just this week, he finally asked me if I were dating anyone else. I answered that no one else had impressed me quite as much as he had, and I wasn't interested in the advances that men had made, so I was not dating. I hinted at waiting until he gets back, but I didn't exactly say I was waiting for him either. Then he didn't say anything about that response, except that he had gotten it, and instead he sent me a really nice picture of himself. (To me that was an advance in the relationship.) Am I crazy?

Your thoughts?

 

Sorry for just getting back, I'm on the road. Other thoughts? You're on the right track it sounds like. I think sometimes getting the right person is like buying a car. Unless you are genuinely prepared to walk away if the offer does not meet your standards, you are going to get a raw deal.

 

Thank you, I hope you are teaching your daughters such wonderful words of wisdom. I really like that analogy.

 

i asked SarahS a question about Scottish people and why there aren't any prevailing stereotypes about them...from a physical standpoint..but I ended up taking my question off...she answered before I deleted.

 

Thanks for the explanation, that must be why some of the threads seem a bit disconnected at times.

 

hell, u r right.

 

First of all most guys of any race are scared of commitment. Why is that I don`t know? Secondly, blacks guys, and other guys of color, are more aware of the down sides of IR than the white women. This dates me but at one time blacks in the south were hanged or whipped for just looking at a white woman. Thank God this no longer happens but the attitudes behind that behaviour may still be around. Just because people on this site are open minded , actually most of them, doesn`t mean that every one else is open minded. Your man may be looking at the positives and the negatives of the IR and hasn`t made up his mind which is more.

Hope this helps.

 

Thanks Othello, that is actually what I was suspecting to an extent in my case. And I really didn't realize until lately how much men really are afraid to make that step. I just don't know how much of a step is acceptable of a lady.


How much is too much? Is there something a woman could do that would be a total turn off to a guy that she may interpret as just letting him know how interested she is?