I was the "other woman"

I've mentioned in previous posts that I've been seeing a bm who is 40 (I am 26). When we started dating two months ago, he told me he was in the process of getting a divorce. Having had no experience dating a divorcing/divorced man, I said "Okay" and took it day by day. He has lived in our city 6 months and his wife lives 3 hours away, so I assumed their relationship was, for the most part, over.

I started to get an uneasy feeling about 3 weeks in. I would ask him when his divorce would be finalized, and he acted like he was too busy to know. He'd say things like, "It's not so easy. We have schedules to align, money issues to work out, childcare issues, blah blah blah." I thought about ending it then, but a friend told me I was being jaded and bitter about previous men I'd dated, and I should give this one a chance.

Last night, he was sick with a cold, so I decided to take advantage of his diminished state of health. I prepared home-made chicken noodle soup and asked him outright what was going on with his divorce. He tried to change the subject, turn it back on me ("You're just looking for drama"), and even initiate sex. I finally asked if he was ever getting a divorce, and he said "Maybe."

That was enough for me. I called him on all his BS and left. I am glad I put an end to it before it got serious, but I am bummed. What have I learned?

-I will not date anyone who is married and not yet, officially divorced.
-I will ask any man claiming to be divorced for proof (which I realize sounds insane).

I need to move on and not let this bring me down, but it is hard. It makes me lose faith in men. It makes me afraid to ever get married.

 

Look at the bright side: your stock's gonna get higher.

 

Sh*t! Yeah, we men are *ssholes, sometimes. But you have to pick up the pieces and find someone worthy of you love.

You know what they say, "better to have loved and..." wait a minute...thats bullsh*t!


"...you wanna hug?

 

Oh yeah, and dont let that *sshole weasel back into your life.

We men are gooood for that sh*t!

 

I'm not sure what you were expecting but divorces are not like ordering a pizza for delivery, they can take years sometimes.

Plus a person who is transitioning out of a relationship is not the kind of person you want to see anyway, unless there is no chance of developing any meaningful feelings for them. Levels of neediness tend to rise when a person is breaking up/divorcing and you don't want someone with that mindset. They may not know what they want, they just want.

The biggest flaw in women is that they tend to not know the difference between what is relationship worthy and what is less.

 

NO IT DOES NOT SOUND INSANE!!!! Trust me. My ex husband (HOLY CRAP IT FEELS SO GOOD TO ACTUALLY SAY THAT) lied to his current wife and the state they filed for the marriage license in (their marriage isn't exactly valid) about the status of our divorce, and he was married to both of us at the same time. So I don't think it's crazy AT ALL. I'd do the same thing.

 

Csb,I hope you can find a brother that will treat you right instead of being used like furniture.

 

You should date younger men.

 

I think that many men, as opposed to women, just won't go there with a woman who is not yet divorced. When I was separated and meeting men every now and then, I was upfront about the fact that I was separated and had not even filed yet. In the 6 months after my separation I went on dates with... let's see... 4 guys? I met 1 in person and 3 online. 3 of them made the decision on the spot and cut me off. I knew the reason and did not bother these men... After I put the divorce in motion and could tell men that we were just waiting for a court date, and when I finally divorced, there were pretty much no rejections anymore. On the contrary, when I was trying to get rid of a man by telling him "I just got divorced, I'm not ready", it didn't work!

There is a forum called www.facereality.com It's about infidelity. They have a section for "the other woman." Many stories of heartbreak... heartbreak... heartbreak.

 

I tell you, if one more whiny "why me? why me? why me?" female cries a river on this board, I might just...

Nevermind.

 

re

I didn't once ask "why me?" I took a realistic look at a situation and ended it, and it is making me form an opinion about marriage in general.

I appreciate all of your opinions and suggestions.

Lucifermorningstar, touche.

 

WHY ME?!?!?! Watch out for the river I just cried. I made sure to put some Piranhas in there :lol:

:smt039 Hi newpower :wink:

 

Hello back at cha Socalgirl. Congrats on the river and your new singularity!

 

AHAHAHA

you said it like youre an expert in dating married men...

some of you women will never understand, that you should never break up a happy home, even if the home isnt 100% happy. What you shiould do is help the brother get back with his wife and his childdren...damnit

lol...

selfish americans

 

you know,,,if the man you were dating is of african descent. Then i guess he does, to an extent , in a technical sense ,have the right to practice his African traditions

which is...ofcourse to have multiple wives

lol

later

 

Tell his wife. I'd want to know. I wouldn't leave him unless that's what he wanted. I'd wait for the children to grow up. But he'd damn sure be getting tested and whatnot.

 

I thought about it for a minute, but I'm not going to. It would be an act of revenge, and that is giving him too much control over me. I would just like it to be over.

I told an older bw I work with what happened. She told me that a woman knows when her husband is sleeping around (she spoke from personal experience). Even if it is just a vague thought in the back of her mind, she knows. The she said, "I don't know what white women do in that situation, but a lot of black women will stick with their husband, especially if they have children."

If it were me, I think I'd have to leave him, children or not. I would never feel that trust or security again. I'd rather be alone than made a fool of, but maybe I am just too proud.

 

It's the truth. You just know. Hell, I knew five months before the truth started to slap me in the face, and then I took another three months before I was ready to start digging for what I already knew.

 

lol. you're insane.

 

:shock:

Now a days you have to do your own invesitigation on whether a man is lying or not. First of all the inuition feeling should have been a red flag for you. Men like to play women thinking we are clueless, i learned it the hard way also but there is so much technology out there and you have to use it. First of all if you cannot trust the person it was never meant to be.

Sorry this happened to you, just next time check the story make sure it all is the truth before you committ yourself to the person.