Self-Esteem

Thought I'd come in here and share some thoughts on self-esteem some of my personal history as well as hear some of yours. My self esteem wasn't always the greatest. I grew up a shy child who was very quiet. I often thought that I wasn't worthy of friends. I kept a lot to myself but I often had the feeling my thoughts were not valid.

My parents were together till I was about 12, I was the oldest of 3 till my pops later remarried. I was told "I was the man of the house lol". My moms tho often verbally and sometimes physically abusive was loving when she wanted and supportive. As a result of her low self-esteem she would search for the worst people to hang out with. I often thought she was trying to "find herself" as she was only 19 when her and my father married.

Her feeling that she could not be alone resulted into a whole lot of personalities being in and out of our home. Everyone of all different races yet some were drug addicts, some alcoholics, even one of her girlfriends hit on me while I was a few years shy of 17 lol. She could not live with herself, she later married my step dad a quiet guy who did not drink or smoke. Yet she still wasn't happy.

Fast forward I'm a young man and tho I was able to be sociable I always felt something was missing. I often hung out alone and when I made friends I cherished them like they were my brothers. However, I later found out how cold humans can be in search of their own interests. I was "left hanging" sometimes over a girl, sometimes over money, sometimes I was not "cool" enough lol. This messed with me deeply. I as a young adult felt as if I wasn't worthy enough of friendship. I would often ask "why" I felt that I was an ok person. Other guys in my neighborhood wanted a life of crime. I just wanted some regular fellas to hang with.

After years of finding myself, good and bad friends/girlfriends I found peace. I'm in my late 30s and though I am highly extroverted I find solace in going home and being an introvert lol. Listening to peaceful music or reading a book is what I look forward to. Crazy thing that I have a higher sense of self a ton of folks want to hang around lol.

There were years of therapy and self improvement done on my behalf. It wasn't always sunny in fact there were a lot of depressing moments. I smile a lot now and honestly, tho I have my bad days they're not many. I enjoy others but mostly I enjoy my life. Growing up my mom made me feel that something was wrong with me because I was a loner. Funny thing is now she opts for a quiet life alone. Because of that I developed this ideal that I needed friends to be "normal". When I got them I became too "nice" or needy which drove them away.

Once that happened I kicked myself thinking again I was strange. This was a continuous cycle until I realized you have to treat yourself well and you will bring good people into your life. This will also be a shield keeping negative people away from you. Sorry for the long and maybe too personal read lmao. I hope this serves someone and I hope it could create some open dialogue.

 

I don’t know if you have taken any personality tests. I did and it was close, I am introverted or INTP. A person can be introverted and social, the difference for them and extroverts is an introvert may need time alone after socializing, to recharge. They may find socializing can be draining even if they like to every now and then, hence then they like going home and being alone. An extrovert on the other hand finds being among others all the time energizing, and being alone can be difficult for them.

That is good you have had some therapy, it takes some strength to recognize a need for self improvement and help. It sounds like you are finding some inner peace.

It does feel like those who are outgoing and loud or always getting or being the center of attention is a more valued trait. Self acceptance is crucial for living life to your fullest what ever that is. It is different for everyone and no one way is always the right way.

During this pandemic, I am finding being introverted an advantage, especially during the past lockdowns.

 

"Growing up my mom made me feel like something was wrong with me because I was a loner " You have no idea just how much I relate to that! She constantly yelled at me screamed at me berated me told me "you get on my nerves!" and "you make me sick!" and forced me to go outside and try to socialize under threat getting a beating. She just never understood how much her treating me that way just made me sad, angry, and made me hate her.

 

It has definitely helped me. I don't find the quarantine nearly as onerous as many others do. Going for a jog outdoors and seeing people is often enough socializing for me.

 

Wow much love to you Jerome!

 

I will definitely look into that. Much appreciated.

 

Thanks I appreciate it! I was a shy kid, VERY low self esteem and I also wasn't the toughest kid always being afraid of getting beaten up. And you know as well as I do that growing up in the black community in the inner city being seen as "soft " or "weak " made you a target. Unfortunately we have created this culture in the black inner city that is built on violence, who can fight and who can't, who can beat up whom it's fucking ridiculous! I wanted no part of it, I just wanted to read my books listen to my music watch my movies (on VHS) and read my comic books and hopefully make a REAL friend. And one of the worst parts of growing up with depression and low self esteem is when someone finally suggested to my mother to send me to therapy I felt I could never be honest with the shrink about how I really felt and what was really bothering me because I knew when he discussed it with my mother I knew her well enough to know that all it would do is irritate her and make her criticize me and yell at me. And then to add insult to injury there were the "whuppins " ,what the fuck kind of mother who knows her child has the type of psychological and emotional problems that make therapy necessary would then proceed to take that child and not only continue to speak to me the way she did, but make me strip down to my tighty whitey underwear and stand there with my back to her while she beat the fuck out of me with an extension cord whenever she felt I did something "bad " and not understand that would only fuck up my fragile mental and emotional state even more?

 

I had low self-esteem for the majority of my life.

I think the key to getting over it, or learning to control it, is to always keep working on it. I don't think low self-esteem truly ever goes away. It may go away for a long time, but then something happens and BAM, it's right there again at the surface waiting to rear its ugly head.

I had an extremely bad experience with my second husband and that was what finally woke me up and made me realize I needed to change myself. I became a mother with him and I knew I couldn't continue living the way I was living because I had a child who needed me to protect her. So, I did a lot of work on myself. I did research on the internet (I know all of the red flags to look for) and I did some therapy. I'm the best me I've ever been and I still don't consider myself finished. I'm always learning and adjusting and fixing myself.

I am and always will be a work in progress.

Never give up the fight to keep your self-esteem above water. You'll have good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks, good years and bad years. It's a cycle that you have to constantly stay on top of. It sounds like you're well on your way to conquering it.

Keep up the good work!

 

Wow dude I'm very sorry you had to experience that. Seems like we had similar upbringing yet we made it through which is more important. Yes growing up in the "hood" or urban environments fighting/violence is common thing.

I hated it and would ride my bike 30-40 min away to my only friends place where I could chill in his neighborhood. He lived in a peaceful, suburban area where he was the only child. Me and him had similar interests only problem was his parents were very religious and judgemental because of the neighborhood I came from. We would hang but sometimes I felt they wanted to keep our time together at a low because they thought I would somehow influence him.

The irony of that situation was I was a good kid and my buddy would later serve time in jail for larceny. But like you my mom would make fun of me because at times she thought I was weird. My parents split at an early age and since my dad was military we moved a lot.

Moving to different places and having my folks split took its toll on me and my siblings. When we moved to the hood I learned quickly that no one likes nerds lol. I could handle myself but I never wanted to act like something that I wasn't. I did well in school, I played in the band, I liked music but I was not into violence at all. I didn't like the neighborhood kids so a lot of them treated me as an outsider. My mom highlighted this but in her earlier years her confidence came from how many friends she had. To her, if she didn't have friends her life was worthless.

She would tell me to "go play". Make fun of the fact I was a quiet child. My siblings were very social at a young age. I hated that period in my life. It took a long time till I made my "friends" in high school. I hung out alone for a very long time. I often went to the library and would walk the mall looking at other peoples lives living through them. I know I sound pitiful lmao. Though I would often dream how my life would turn out one day.

 

Absolutely working on yourself can never be said enough! My commitment to being a stronger person is what made me who I am today. I commend you for finding yourself in a marriage as its a really difficult thing to do. Oftentimes people lose themselves in a marriage. Especially, if you marry a codependent personality. Ive seen that with my own eyes, as in sure you have also.

 

Absolutely and thats the benefit of this pandemic unfortunately. It is where introverts or the like flourish lol.

 

Oh no. The mum in me feels like crying and giving you a mum hug.

It’s no excuse but as a parent you can only give what you have in yourself. Your mum relating to you like this reveals that she has a lot of emotional deficiencies herself. That’s not an excuse of course.

 

@jerome kent:
It sounds like you went through a lot. Ongoing therapy can definitely help you negotiate these challenges. I also agree with Bookworm that you learn to manage these issues with time. I’m talking to a therapist tomorrow myself. In our community mental health and wellness isn’t often addressed and it can leave you feeling adrift, but working through those issues in a therapeutic setting helps you to sap these traumatic incidents of much of their hold on you. They may still be unpleasant, but the force of the feelings lessens over time. My mother didn’t understand the need for a therapist, either, but as an adult i went on my own. It was key to me surviving the custody struggles I had during my divorce. Whenever you can, talk to someone and those self-esteem issues will lose some of their intensity.

 

Just curious if anyone else on the forum has found cognitive therapy and counseling helpful? As a Type A person, it helps me take some of the anxiety and stress off my shoulders, some of which is self-induced. I've learned to plan for the things I can impact, but not to endlessly flog myself over the past or fears about the future.

 

I go to a therapist/counselor periodically and have since about a year after college. My “issues”, as others have shared about themselves, stems from dysfunctional family dynamics. My dad adored me and I, him. He was my best friend and sadly passed away 3 years ago this month. My relationship with my mom was difficult and now nonexistent. I don’t take it too personally ... she dislikes everyone lol. But its amazing how early family dynamics affect your overall worldview as well as your self perception. Not so amazing, I guess because family is what shapes us. But my dad built a confidence into me that helps me overcome a lot of what could have stunted me ... enough confidence to know that its okay to need help and seek it out. So I do.

 

I’ve found therapy very helpful. I have a session once a week and it helps me process my feeling and anxieties and helps me reset for the week ahead. I just finished my weekly session when I logged in here, coincidentally.

 

Sorry to hear of you losing your dad (relatively recently) and poor relationship with your mom. You seem to be quite the outgoing, pleasant and generally optimistic person which is great. The situation with your mom is definitely sad, but I'm glad you had a great dad. I had counseling once on my life. It was shortly after I had separated from my ex-wife. After a couple of months and I had accepted that there likely would be no reconciliation... I reasoned that while I felt I was doing well considering the circumstances... I was in a life-changing, traumatic situation, and that it would be wise to seek out counseling. I met with the counselor, I think for about 8 sessions. I was very open with her as I didn't want to waste anyone's time... She seemed quite thorough too me, and then one day we were discussing my plan moving forward and she suddenly went from profressional into a more relaxed posture, and simply said... "So you don't need to see me any longer". She explained that based upon our discussions that I was dealing in a good way and she was satisfied that I'm do just fine, but also left the door open should I feel a need for more sessions in the future.

I'm a true believer that in the black community we tend to avoid counseling. I know others see it as some sort of weakness, but I think we (collectively) could benefit from being more open to counselking. I'm glad to hear it's been helpful for you.

 

Good for you! I see mine a few times a year for “checkups” ... sometimes more frequently if circumstances say I should. I’m sorry for your divorce — truly. I’ve never been divorced because I’ve never been married ... but I’ve had long term relationships end that felt like a divorce ... at least to me, though I’m sure it wasn’t exactly the same. Its always hard when we love. I love pretty hard .. so its always painful when it ends. As for my mom? I really don’t think about it too much anymore. She was never nice and so when my dad died, there was no reason to fake a relationship. So i have one of those families you choose kind of things with a handful of really close friends. They complete me lol. Now just waiting for mr tall dark and handsome to show up! Lol

 

I think you’re right with regard to our community’s aversion to counseling. I don’t have any issue with it at all. I mean, we utilize professional assistance in so many aspects of life, why not in emotional and psychological matters? I think it may have something to do with traditional taboos and reliance on religious authorities. I think that my mother would prefer to talk to a priest as opposed to a therapist any day. I think that she views personal troubles as too "personal" and thinks that praying on matters helps. She's no holy roller, but she is spiritual and feels that these sorts of topics are related to your soul/spirit, rather than your mind/brain. It's one of the reasons that she and I don't have the sorts of substantive discussions that touch on these sorts of matters.