IR in Music Videos thread

An actual partnership(marriage) is not really necessary if no kids are going to be involved. MKM nailed it, and K has also mentioned that some people change when they get married, just because they are married. You never know how deeply programmed a person really is until you start going down a more traditional path with them.

I don't take unnecessary risks. Getting married with no intention of having a child is too much risk for no reward.

 

Exactly, but the part you are missing is that people's mindset tend to change after marriage. The programming comes out like magic.

 

Well that’s not for me. Either someone wants to commit or not. If not we can just leave it there. If you know someone for long enough before they don’t just change because of a marriage certificate, neither for the better nor for the worse. That’s why you need enough screening time. People can’t pretend forever.

 

I don’t agree that people’s mindsets change after marriage. Except for normal life changes that occur over a lifetime.

 

Monogamy is commitment. The rest of it is how good two people get along. For someone that doesn't have kids, what else should they want?

 

I’m not sure how things are in Germany, but a prenuptial agreement is a “suggestion/hope” in the U.S.. it doesn’t require much to get it thrown out.

Marriage can hinder a lot. As there are plenty of people who feel “stuck” in fear of losing everything. It depends on the person, really. But anything can technically hinder a relationship. Pretending that it is “never the marriage and only the people every time”, isn’t actually reality.

 

The long and the short story is that you guys don’t want to get married (Beasty maybe). So there’s no point changing your mind. If one goes in with such a critical attitude it wouldn’t work anyway.

 

I think it has more to do with utilizing data and critical thinking. Making such a big decision without doing the critical thinking and analyzing data is one of the main reasons why divorce is so prevalent. Going into a marriage with the idea of ignoring all of the data because it “appears too critical”, is a recipe for disaster.

I am happy that you are enjoying your marriage. But, at some point you will have to accept that you are in the minority. We, beasty and I, simply apply logic and critical thinking to our life decisions. It’s not a bad thing.

 

That has nothing to do with marriage itself just lifestyle.

 

Marriage can be great if you take your time and couple up with someone who shares your values and outlook in life.

 

Nobody enjoys their marriage by chance, at least if the marriage has lasted longer than a few years and there have been periods when I didn’t enjoy it all that much. People need to stop having a fairy-tale idea of marriage and make it sound like it’s pure luck or coincidence whether people stay together or not. Marriage is not an accumulation of data but the sum of what two people make of it.
My parents for instance (who are both 60) are still married, but have been separated for more than 10 years now. They still have shared finances, kids ( obviously), work out the things that need to be worked out and we always meet up as a family for holidays or other events (they even do stuff with their grandchildren together). It’s more important to study your potential partner and their capability of behaving themselves like a grown- up, decent human being than scientific data. The data is what other people made out of their marriage, but I don’t let other people decide the way I choose to think about issues. That’s my take on it.

 

And you are entitled to your take on things. I respect that. I am glad your relationship aligns with your views on marriage.

For the record, my parents just celebrated their 40 year marriage. I tend to chuckle at the idea of it, considering all that I know.

 

Interesting! One would think with such an example of marriage right in front of you you would have a positive image of it!

By the way, I didn’t mean it’s a good thing my parents are separated, but at least they are still respectful of each other and aren’t fighting and harming each other, financially or otherwise, as the statistics would suggest.

 

The reason why I chuckled, is because during their 40 years of marriage, my mother cheated on my father countless times with white males. I also chuckle, because she was terribly abusive and manipulative. My grandfather left my grandmother when my father was young. So, my father, essentially, refused to leave my mother.

I chuckled because my mother never deserved 40 years of my father’s life (let alone 1 year). We often look at a relationship from the outside. We look at the length and assume things are good. The reality is often far different.

In regards to my personal opinion. My financial position and my race affect how things play out in the event of a divorce. Which essentially gives whatever woman I would marry, unlimited power over me. As a rape survivor, I vowed, years ago, to never let a woman be in a position to take advantage of me. That, compounded with having and abusive and manipulative mother, while adding the current state of toxic behavior that so many people exhibit, regardless of gender, I would have to be a lunatic to see marriage as a viable option.

 

Understandable!

Wow, that’s a terrible marriage your parents were/are having there...nowadays it’s just very rare that someone would stay for that long in spite of all such abuse...that’s why one assumes long marriages are good marriages. Those aren’t the kind of issues I meant when I said marriage isn’t always that enjoyable though. I think I’m a patient and committed person, but I’d draw the line at cheating and physical abuse and the likes. I want my kids to grow up in an intact home but it has to be a healthy intact home also, not a dysfunctional one...if it’s dysfunctional it’s better to end it.
I understand your pessimistic approach to relationships now and about women, as your mother and other women you have met obviously were the worst examples. I hope you have also met a few different ones, who aren’t out to take advantage of men but are interested in a mutually respectful, honest relationship with you.

 

Disagree. That's like making a decision on drugs. A woman makes a man feel good in the same way as cocaine (haven't done it myself but....). Both play on dopamine at the synapse in your brain. It's good to have raw unbiased data to look at instead of just looking at your partner that makes you feel like birds are flying and singing around your head everyday, because that feeling will subside just like with drugs.



It's all a play on your brain chemistry making you forgo logic for emotions, like they say "love" is blind. I prefer the rational approach of looking at raw data as well as her behavior, so I can stay balanced, while knowing her behavior can change at any moment.

 

If the birds and butterflies are still singing such that you can’t think straight you haven’t known the person long enough to study them thoroughly.

 

Informing people that “love” is mere chemistry is not a popular thing. Although it is quite true.

 

Marriage is a highly emotional and biased decision either way you slice it. I'd rather balance it with logic.

 

It’s definitely chemistry, but that “on drugs” feeling doesn’t last for very long. The difficult transition for many is from “endorphines and hormones are levelling” to discovering a more level-headed, lasting love for that person.