IR Kids

I have a fear that if my BM and I were to someday have kids, I wouldn't be as good a mother to him/her as I am to my daughter b/c I won't be able to fully relate to the race issue they will face. I can open my mind wide open and try to learn all I can, but it will never take the place of actually experiencing being a mixed child. Anyone else worry about this?

 

I expect you'll her from likes of Iffyswifey on this matter, but before then let me say that although I'm not a father, and I'd LOVE to be one, my friends who already fathers tell me that the first time they held their child, a powerful, violent love for that child instantly developed in their hearts. I think this is a near universal feeling i.e all but a few people experience it.

You'll be alright.

 

this is for all the parents struggling with the issue raisng a child whose second parent is of another race.

Prologue: ok whatever stage you are in interracial relationship take a bit of time to try to understand to see the other persons perspective.

Step 1
you teach them what you know about who you are as person on this planet. honestly talk with your kids about difference your experience with it and how you feel about it.

step 2
tell you kid why you choose their mother or father. express the love-if applicable- you felt and the physical things that attracted them to you. please age appropiately.

step 3
have your kid interact with black, send them to a black church or boys and girls club anything with a diverse group of kids interacting. if it is possible have your child spend some time with your mates relative.


Step 4
yall get some books and learn about some black history. there are number of good books that can educate on the black expereince and the african American zietgiest so get some reading in. Also there is a difference in viewpoint and cultural outlook between being newly arrived African from africa in a another country than being of african descent but born and breed in a Anglo-European dominated society. So be mindfull.


But in the end no of this matters as much as you giving you best dam effort to raise honest, forth right people who have compassion and empathy for others.
you do this by example and open communication. raising a child is a team effort between you and the child. Help them to help you by being that person they will always turn to.

 

I understand what you're saying but never mind, everything will be fine if you're prepared for the challenge. Like you, i am going to be a father soon as my fiancee is pregnant and i've started to deal with issues of race, identity and self concept as they are things that affect multiracial children. I know that my child is going to face issues regarding his/her identity and so i am preparing myself for the harsh challenges of that life.

As a white woman, you obviously can only sympathize, but not empathize but you can do all the best you possibly can. Try to see the other world for those not so privileged and there is one thing, no matter how much you may think your child or husband might be "whining", always remember that as long as he's speaking from personal experiences, he isn't exaggerating.

Another thing, never and i mean, never assume that everything will be just fine if you don't make any effort. Racism and prejudice is a reality in America and you should prepare your child - and yourself - for the sharp blades of bigotry. Never wait for your child to be racially abused before you tell them about discrimination - that's like waiting for your child to have sex before you talk about it with them. Make them aware that some people will not like them simply because of who they are, but more importantly, instill in them pride, self confidence and the unconditional love a mother can give.

Lastly, always make sure their father is in their lives. This sounds harsh but it's a reality - you're going to raise "black" children, not "white" ones.-
You aren't even going to raise biracial children. In America, once you have a drop of black blood in you, you're automatically black, unless of course your traces of black aren't visible. The point is, your children are not going to have the white privilege you have and so they will need someone who can empathize with them and there isn't a better person for that than the father. They need someone who they can talk to about race and an absence of their father is going to be detrimental for their lives.

I wish you all the best and again, it's going to be tough but remain confident and keep your cool.

 

I would never ever have a child with someone who thinks that I am unfit to raise our child simply because it might look different than me.

Of course the child has to learn the fathers history, but it has to learn the mothers history as well. All children/people should learn as much as possible from other cultures period, no matter if their parents have the same cultural background, or look alike, or not.

And I would never instill old racist doctrines into my childs mind, such as the one drop rule. Bad enough that American mainstream society still believes in that crap. If I would have a so called "Bi-racial" kid, I would rather join one of those many organizations for multicultural families and would make sure that my child spends as much time as possible with people who live without the strait jacket of racist thought and racial dichotomy.


"You have to be the change you want to see in the world!"
(M. Gandhi)

 

I didn't take his point to mean it would be hard for me b/c we 'looked' different, more b/c I wouldn't know how to prepare the child for the race issues he would face. Kind of like a coach telling his player to go get into the game, and the coach not even understanding the rules, plus the rules aren't in writing anywhere - you have to learn the game thru playing the game itself or many years of study!

For instance, I know my man's g/father sat him down once and told him you are always going to have to work harder than white people for what you want, people are going to call you *** and this is what it means and how it might make you feel, etc... Now it would never occur to me to say something like that, but from what I understand it's frank conversations like that, that have helped him cope thru a lot of bad situations. I can tell my child just work hard and be fair, honest, etc.. but it's apparent from many discussions on this forum that minorities don't get the luxury of that thinking, so telling my bi-racial child that wouldn't be a help.

I think it was Cris who made a point about nothing taking the place of the father's guidance, and it makes sense to me.
Anyway, I get where you are coming from, but think maybe I didn't make myself clear...

As far as teaching a child about the obstacles they will likely face b/c of their mixed parents thru open conversation, it's installing a racist doctrine in them? Seems to me it's more like talking about the elephant in the living room... I completely agree with your idea of joining multiracial groups and that kind of exposure, but if you don't tell your kids things they'll learn it somewhere else. (Like learning the facts about sex from your mom or the bathroom wall) And then you aren't making sure they at least know where you stand or what you think, as a parent.

 

You clearly misunderstood this thread. The question isn't about being unfit as such, certainly not in the sense you are thinking. The point is, whether you like it or not, if you're a white woman and have a black man's children, they will be "lumped in" as black. Now it's another thing for them to decide to identify as biracial or multiracial, but they will experience the racism and discrimination that ordinary black folks experience. No matter how much the white mother can sympathize with her daughter, she cannot empathize, let alone protect her from the harsh realities of prejudice and discrimination that she as a white woman will probably never experience.

It's one thing to instill doctrines, it's another to be frank. Teaching your children not to have sex is instilling doctrines. Telling them to be safe
if and when they do is facing reality. It'd happen so why not be smart about it. Obviously, it's not pleasant to teach children about racism but why pretend like they shall not see it? Why wait till they witness it before talking about it? That doesn't make no sense, at least not to me.

There is no organization that can protect you from racist dichotomy. The ACLU, NAACP, CORE and many civil rights and liberties organizations hve existed for years, that hasn't stopped black males from getting shot and killed by racist cops, amongst other American unjustifiable evils. The truth is, racism is embedded in American culture and is more ideological than practical these days.

 

Raising IR kids sure isn't easy but I wouldn't trade it for nothing else. My daughter is too precious. Already people are thinking she's hispanic cause she's so light but ha they get a rude awakening when they see me. Just gotta be strong and prepared for anything that comes your way.

 

Well I can really understand your fears. And there will be some things that you just can't relate to.

I have a daughter (5) and a son (4). When I was first pregnant, I worried a great deal. I realized that in myself I needed to get clear and understand aspects of life that I never had to deal with as a ww. So I set about educating myself and did a lot of self reflecting.

I am at a much better place than I was 5 yrs ago. And there will be many things I can't relate to but I think basic ethics and morals will see any one regardless of race through tough situations. But I also think that having your partner around to help explain and relate some real world experiences is very beneficial.

 

I am not a big fan of posting News articles etc. but for those of you who are interested I just came accross this article in the Chicago Tribune

Dawn Turner Trice

Biracial people to define selves, issues at forum


Published June 18, 2007

Michelle Hughes has brown, curly hair that's fine in texture. Depending on the season, her skin color ranges from a light olive brown to a creamier hue. When she meets someone new, that person often finds a way to ask: "What are you?" (which sounds rude, right?) or "Where are you from?" (which is sort of the same).

She admits she can be a bit of a chameleon, capable of "blending" into several racial or ethnic groups, depending on the neighborhood.

When she's on Chicago's South Side, she said, people assume she's a fair-skinned African-American. In Little Village or Pilsen, she might be considered a Latina. In Little Italy, she could pull off Italian.

Hughes' mother is white. Her father is African-American. Though her gene combination skews toward her mom's features, there's just enough of her dad's to confuse people. But that confusion has to do with others, not her.

"I have two parents," said Hughes, 41, an adoption attorney who lives in Wicker Park. "Part of who I am is my mom; part of who I am is my dad."

Beginning Thursday, Chicago will host a four-day conference titled, "Loving Decision Conference 2007: The Next 40 Years of Multiracial Communities." Though the event will commemorate the 40th anniversary of Loving vs. Virginia -- the U.S. Supreme Court decision that struck down miscegenation laws in several states, legalizing interracial marriage -- it will focus more on the issues affecting the offspring of interracial couples.

Though Hughes is not a proponent of the "tragic mulatto" mythology, she believes issues surrounding identity remain real and complex. Biracial people often are still expected to define themselves singularly, by choosing one part of their ancestry over the other. Interracial parents, though incredibly sensitive to racial matters, may not know how to help their biracial children navigate the best and the worst of both of their worlds.

The conference is designed to address many issues, including transracial adoptions. But it's also designed to celebrate multiculturalism.

Years ago, the furor over interracial unions and marriages was indeed about the fear of miscegenation. But it also was about what would happen to the offspring of these couples. Some believed biracial children would live a life of isolation, confusion and depression. They would crumble.

Hughes has not crumbled. But some of her experiences have been unique to being biracial. Growing up, she remembers walking into restaurants with her parents and the patrons, black and white, glaring at them.

Her mother didn't always know how to deal with her hair. Her father often was making sure his children had a deep understanding of black history.

She said that over the years she has been in white crowds and defended blacks if something disparaging was said. The same is true of her having been in black crowds and defending whites if the need arose.

"You're forced into educating a lot," said Hughes, a member of the Chicago-based Biracial Family Network, a conference organizer. "Being white is the norm in this country. If you're anything else, you have to deal with race."

Hughes said dating presents its own challenges. "I find that men of color are more comfortable moving between both the Caucasian world and the 'of color' world. White men aren't always as comfortable doing that."

With interracial unions on the rise, more biracial people are defining themselves rather than accepting society's hand-me-down definitions.

The 2000 census was the first time Americans could check several race categories to describe their backgrounds. About 7 million Americans did so. And it's not uncommon to hear a teen who's the product of a black parent and Mexican parent call himself a "Blaxican;" or one who has a white parent and an Asian or Pacific Islander parent call herself a "Hapa." The word comes from the Hawaiian term "hapa haole," which means "half white." Even with folk claiming their own identities, we still have a long way to go in all matters racial. But we have come a long way since the night Richard and Mildred Loving, a white man and a black woman, were arrested in their Virginia home. Their infraction? Simply loving one another.

To find out more about the conference, check out www.lovingconference.com.

 

I am in complete agreement with Chris when it comes to how to raise biracial children.

yes they are really two "races" but in this racist white culture, they will be "black" to almost any one. Denying this, I think, is bad for their mental health.

So eventhough my son is mistaken for white, he will be taught that he is "black" and the reason why this is so (my daughter too, she is racially ambiguous).

I want them to be damn proud of what they are. I want them to take extreme pride in the part of their genetic makeup others think as "less than."

Now I won't stand in their way when as they get older they choose how to self identify. That is their right. We can only teach them the reality of the world. And denying that the one drop rule exists, in my opinion, is folly.

My kids are eight different nationalities, I'm a mutt myself. To me race is truly a social construct used to oppress people.

 

I think I have a crush on whiteshedevil's husband... to quote Lucifer - LAWDAMERCY!! :lol:

 

eeewwww Mami! You betta watch it 'fore I snatch the hair from your head!!

He's mine damnit! *stomps foot* We were fated.

For real though, I would have sold my soul to keep him alive when he was dying back in Feb. I promised God all sorts of stuff.

I just could not see my life without him in it. We've been together for seven yrs, nobody could possibly love or know me like he does. And I have REAL BIG trust issues. But him I believe in.

......And he jokes about how rich I would have been if he had passed, since his life insurance is substantial, as IF!!!!!

 

You're begging for it - putting up a picture of your beautiful man loving on his kids, that's what every woman on this board is looking for!

We were fated - I like that. Not that I particuarly believe in fate, but I like how you put it and how you believe in it. Sounds like you went thru some rough times - I'm glad everything worked out.

 

well here in Africa especially countries like South Africa and Botswana very light skin blacks are not really considered black,they have their own race which is called the coloured race.Nobody knows where these so called coloureds come from others assume that black and white people came together to produce this race,but i don't believe that segregation kept them apart.During the black struggle in South Africa these coloureds where treated better than blacks,perhaps it was because of their skin or perhaps it was because they spoke a white man's language which is Afrikaans.BUT blacks and the so called coloured have always been very close they still are.The reason i say so-called coloureds is because some people are not sure if thats the right word to call them because some of them consider themselves black

 

Wow! This is the most interesting topic I have read here! FSPrtty really opened my eyes. If an WW/BM couple (lets deal with married couples for now) has kids and breaks up, who is best prepared to raise the child. (We all know the divorce rate...no need to repeat it.) Both my parents are black, but when they were splitting up, my mom gave me the choice to live with her or my dad. But my dad told me, "always choose your mother over everybody else...even me!" That statement has had the most profound impact on my life...more than anything I have read or seen!

With that, as strongly as I feel that a white mom, dispite her best efforts, could never prepare her children for the s*%t they are going to face, I think children should be with their mom, regardless of race. The bond between father and child doesnt compare to the bond between mother and child. Its not even close!

 

Well I'm a single white woman raising a black child (she's not biracial) I was married to a white man when we adopted her.

I realize this is a controversial subject. There are more and more white people raising black children out there. While it's true a white person can not know what it is to be black, that doesn't mean that they won't be able to raise the child well.

Maybe we aren't able to prepare the child for the crap they are going to face but that doesn't mean that there aren't ways to prepare them for the crap they are going to face. The truth is that a black parent can't know how it is to be biracial either. Maybe they have the upper hand in it all....maybe not. In my case - I grew up with (and still am on occasion) being asked "what are you anyway?". Most black people don't deal with that.

I definitely think it's important for the parent(s) to make sure that the children are raised with strong role models of all races.

Just because one parent is black does NOT make them a better parent. My child's birth parents were black....they were smart enough to realize that they needed to find the best possible parents for her - regardless of race.

 

Funny thing is, I think some people would be less offended by that than if she were your own, biracial, child. It is a strange world.