Ladies, Is There A Difference Between Dating Men Who Grew Up With A Father At Home?

Basically, is there a difference between dating men who grew up with fathers or strong male role models in the home vs. men who grew up without fathers or male role models in the home?

And, if so, which do you prefer?

Discuss ...

 

This is going to be a great Convo.

 

agreed!

 

Yeah there are so many angles to this. I'm very interested in how the women see this.

 

Really good questions!

Yes I think there are some major differences.

The men I've had ltr with have all had very strong family values. They have also had really strong relationships with a male role model...and a female role model. It wasn't necessarily their bio father in the home the whole time they were growing up though. It may have been a mentor of some sort. It was someone who was truly there for them. It wasn't necessarily only one, it may have been different men at different times in life. Those who didn't have a male in the home, sought out that bond in some way (maybe their mother/grandmother/relative facilitated that).

They may have even had some major trauma growing up, but they had some sort of strong solid connection with a strong male.

I have dated some men who did not. I had some attempts at relationships with men who did not. It just didn't seem to go well. It's like they didn't have a solid realistic view of how to be a man/mate/father and had an odd (maybe overly idealistic or fairytale) view of relationships.

I'll tell you though...I also think there is a huge difference depending on how their mothers were. Those with mothers who have a strong respect for men are different than those who's mothers/women in their life are angry and resentful towards men.

 

I gotta spread it around before I can rep you again.
Very well said, those are my experiences as well.
I posted before you, but chose to delete my post, since it might have upset someone.

 

awww thanks. Please do post! Don't worry about upsetting anyone. I'm sure you had more to add that I may have not said. I think it's good to show the different perspectives (even when they are similar)

 

The certain someone might feel the need to comment or get in contact with me again which is what I'm trying to avoid

 

Ooooh. Understandable. Glad you are still around though

 

My ex husbands father lived with them growing up but was never actually "there" in any way for my ex husband. Some young men would've turned into that same distant, uninvolved father but my ex husband used it more as motivation to be the complete opposite. There couldn't be a better, more involved, devoted father for my children. He grew up knowing he didn't want to be anything like his dad. They actually have a relationship now, which is great. His father just didn't know how to be a dad I think.

My fiancé was incredibly close to his father. He lights up when he talks about him, warms my heart and breaks my heart at the same time. I can tell my fiancé is the man he is because of his dad :heart:

The two most prevalent relationships in my life had completely different upbringings with regard to male role models but they both had successful outcomes, one in striving to be better than what he had growing up and the other in striving to make his hero proud.

I think it's easy for us to fall into our parents footsteps. It takes a conscious effort to be better than what we had growing up (if maybe we didn't have the greatest role models). Thankfully I've been blessed with strong men who've persevered when need be but I know not every man is able to do that. Im sure statistically there are stark differences between men raised with a strong male role model and those who aren't, I just haven't personally experienced it.

 

My older brothers fall into this camp. My dad wasn't the best but now as an adult I give the old man a lot more slack. He grew up in third world poverty and lost his dad at 3 and had a very abusive older brother so I get why he wasn't really the best dad. My siblings took the experience and put every last breath into being good dads. Hell my little brother took 9 months paternity leave for his new kid, something my dad would never dream of.

Flip side though I feel like most women have a great relationship with their dads and bad relationships with their mothers.

Black men are notorious mama's boys the only ones who rival us are Jewish men.

 

I echo what K said

 

I think it takes such strength to go against what we're taught to be, and actually do better. It sounds like your brothers, like my ex, refuse to have their children grow up with a father that gives anything less than 110%. I hope you admire that in them and strive for the same when you have kidlets.

And I certainly fall into your description of most women. Truly a daddys girl through and through :heart: He's the reason I am the woman I am today. My mom and I are better now that I'm grown, ironically I fought to be better just like my ex husband had to.

 

If and when I have kids I hope to have a more hands off approach, just create a safe and open environment. Just be communicative and see where the chips fall. I think what each kid needs can be a little different.

 

Oh honey, yes each kid is different but I think EVERY child needs actively involved parents. Don't be the distant dad. I really think that does more harm than good many times. Kids aren't mature enough to understand and respect that you created a safe home. They want a dad. Someone who engages in their interests and actively mentors them. Someone who tucks them in and isn't "too manly" to give them hugs and tell them how much they love them. I don't think you get a genuinely open environment without actively parenting your kids. You don't have to be a mushy dad or a pushover, but you've got far too much to offer to be hands off.

I know it's annoying to have people telling you what to do but I swear when baby tdk is born, I'll absolutely fly out there to kick your ass if your hands aren't all up in raising that kiddo.

 

Not having a parent that's not a good model will take its toll

 

It will...but it also depends on the child and their personality and attitude. There are those who will do what it takes to overcome and those who will use that as an excuse. At some point, we all grow up and it's up to us as to which direction we choose to go. There are plenty of people out there who had the best of role models and were given every opportunity and yet turned out to be a mess.

 

I guess I'll see once I'm living it

 

So true...life is about decisions

 

My ex husband grew up with a father who was actively involved in his life because he had no other choice; his mother died when he was a small child. I give the man mad props for raising both a boy and a girl as teenagers because any orient knows... teenagers are no walk in the park. Now too that off with losing a mother to breast cancer and living in the ghetto and under privileged and you have a recipe for disaster. Yet somehow, these kids prevailed and graduated from his and today they are both loving parents with successful children, both have good jobs and have strong families, albeit one divorced (my ex and I).

He and his father didn't have a great relationship, but I chalk that up to not only their shared experience of losing their wife/mother but also the fact that they are so similar in being so stubborn and set in their own ways they bump heads a lot.

Speaking of "hands off approach" this is him to a "t" with his boys. He's very hard on them too. I attribute this to the way he was treated as a young man growing up and having to fend for himself. With his daughter however, she's treated vastly different.

My boyfriend was raised by another man who is not his father but who loved him as his own. His biological father was not in his life much at all. This I believe has attributed to the fact that he does so much for his own children and goes above and beyond for his family because he did not receive the love and affection or support from his own father. Everything he knows was taught from his mother and his father figure. I find that he appreciates and values me as a mother and a woman, but most especially as a mother of two already grown and successful young men.

It's all very interesting when you think about it.