Why is it so hard for you women to simply say i'm not attracted to you and...

Personally I think many relationships these days start way too soon.
People barely know one another and already label themselves as "dating" or even "in a relationship",and sex often happens way too early.
Then later when things didn't work out, there are regrets.
By taking things slower and getting to know one another better, not just one but possibly both may have come to realization that they don't even want to date one another due to lack of compatibility, red flags etc.

Of course there actually are people who would feed a person they really aren't feeling attracted to mentally,physically etc, just enough attention to maintain theirs,knowing exactly they would never allow anything to happen.
However in many cases people,especially males, make the assumption the other person isn't interested,based on a slow speed and wanting to start as just friends.
Not everyone prefers to go the same way about dating and getting to know one another though.
Those who do lead others on probably do so because they enjoy the attention or because rationally they know the person is good and would treat them right even though the emotional part isn't there.

 

Sex is the easy part of the relationship. Either you see eye to eye or you don't. There are things about sex which can't really be improved upon so they can't be fixed.

I'm not sure if that's putting the buggy in front of the horse or the horse beside the buggy or in front of it? Can you imagine meeting your dream mate,putting in 3, 6, 12 months... then being sexually incompatible?

 

That would be horrendous!!!!!!!

 

I'm assume most (if not all) of you will disagree with me, but I don't see how it's possible for sex to be such a dealbreaker. If the two of you are really all that compatable I think sexual compatability is pretty much guaranteed. That's why I think a long wait can work.

Sure it may be bad at first - maybe really bad. But if you care and communicate, your "incompatibility" is just a good excuse to keep on practicing as far as I'm concerned. People who truly love and want to please each other will eventually figure out what's what.

 

Hm really? come back to me with that after you've been married for 17 years to someone you aren't sexually compatible with. You can try all you want, but some things either click or they don't. You can't fake chemistry or make it happen no matter how much you may want it to.

 

Yep - been there. Then convinced myself that it would be ok, it would get better, blah blah blah. 17 years later - nope. It SUCKS! And it's beyond not being sexually compatible...it's an issue with intimacy.

I think it's much better to be straight up with yourself (and the other person) and see if it's there or not. To me, it's no different than finding out if you are compatible in other ways.

 

Agreed.

 

How I see it is just because you have mental and physical chemistry doesn't mean you're going to automatically have sexual chemistry. You may feel a deep lustful physical attraction that makes you believe that the sex game is going to be phenomenal and maybe the lust takes over from the pent up sexual frustration of the wait so the first time is bound to be good. But after that initial time there's no guaranteeing because unfortunately not all chemistry components go hand in hand. You can only try so hard when it comes to spicing up the sex life. And some people are highly driven and some just aren't and that's the biggest challenge right there.

 

Co-signed!

 

It cost to date and 3 out of 4 times, the man is paying the bill. On top of that, there's nothing to keep the woman from continuing to date other men. The way that life has been set up for us is that the man is supposed to be the provider. Basic competition between men after a single woman...which could give her a better life?

However, society/time is pushing for equality...so women make just as much money as men. It doesn't mean that the standard for dating has changed.

Hell, if a woman wants to take me out for 8 months, footing the bill and allowing me to date other women while she determines whether I'm worthy or not...I'd be ok with that. Maybe I can demand we go to fancy eateries too?...afterall, I'm not footing the bill. I'mma get a nice buzz...desert to go, you can just drop me at the house and if you don't want to see me again...I understand :smt023

...and I won't even complain to my friends that I had another crappy date with some loser chick, her old car...who probably lives in her dad's basement and doesn't seem to be going anywhere in life.

 

Actually I do agree. It is way easier to either tell your partner in voice what feels good to you or just teach them by doing the same thing to them than it is to teach a person how to be honest,loyal,a decent ethical mindset and other qualities you find important in a mate.
Also I don't expect to meet the perfect man. Some of the qualities I look for are so important that I wouldn't make any compromise on them, such as honesty and loyalty, whereas others which I don't consider as crucial,such as being an excellent lover in bed, I can easily compromise on to a certain point. There may be a few scenarious in which there may be an extreme sexual incompatibility,but at age 30 in most cases those who are into some "odd" stuff or have encountered huge incompatibilities in prior relationships, know this and will bring it up verbally at some point.

 

Keeping your options open and going on with multiple people
is something that's done by both genders. Male of female, there will always be some people who don't want to put all of their eggs in one basket, figuratively speaking.
The issue of who pays is an interesting one. Depending on upbring, cultural background, and age there are differences here.
Some males wouldn't even allow a female to pay for a date if she was trying to. It would go against what they were raised to do and make them feel uncomfortable or even hurt their dignity.
There are females who are prepared to and totally fine with paying the bill at the end of a date. Either because she wants to show that she doesn't try to take advantage of the guy, and that she is more interested in learning about his personality than in seeing what he can do for her financially.
And then some females who had gone on some bad dates where a guy expected certain things to happen after the first date , just because he paid for dinner - and verbally expressed that, may actually want to be the one paying to avoid him developping such a feeling of entitlement.

And then of course there is the method of going dutch,splitting the bill, which is very fair to both ,since both pay their share of the date,or taking turns.
So in case it doesn't work out, they both invested about the same amount of time and cash.
It's not always a one sided way to the disadvantage of the male.

 

More rambling

There will always be differences between male and female, but times are changing as far as attitudes. Men who do gentlemenly things are fading away. 50 years ago, probably 90% of men would be offended it a woman tried to pay. Nowadays, probably less than 20% would be offended.

Also, women are a lot more different over the last 50 years. When a man was dating and waiting on a woman back then, she wasn't the transparent being that she is today (morally speaking). That being said, whether or not to "pay or wait" is a judgement call men have to negotiate with women. Everyone has a self assessed "value" for their person.

If a guy posted an ad or stated on a first date that he was looking for a woman "like his mom" - that would cook, keep the house spotless, iron, wash clothes, birth children...hit the ground running right after the umbilical cord was cut, never fake a headache/put up with terrible sex, etc...he'd be a complete laughing stock. Personally, I've dated some great women, but only a few of them have ever done any of this. I don't have to use nary a finger to count those who've cooked for a week straight or did my laundry...

Fathers and Grandfathers are measuring sticks for boyfriends, but what guy has tried to compare his GF to his mom, her Mom or her Grandmother? Is, "she makes more money" really justifiable especially since it's not being spent on the guy?...or is it's contribution to the household enough?...or the fact that he doesn't have to give her spending money or that she's now "independent?"...does that move her further up the measuring stick?

Basically, everyone has to be "assessed" and no one wants to be exploited.

...but for the purpose of this thread, just enjoying one another's company should be enough. WE put so much emphasis on finding the perfect mate when we aren't perfect ourselves. What percentage of commonality can we live with to actually make a good run at a relationship where we are able to overcome obstacles/differences...and still make it?

 

And how many of those women were staying at home and you were taking care of providing financially for the couple/family completely?

 

hmm

What kind of women are you dating who you foot the bill for 8 months of fancy restaurants while they are still messing with other men and so forth?

Even old school, back some years....I didn't know any woman doing/expecting things that way. Maybe the man took them out several times and they would start moving to exclusivity. At that point, you aren't always going out to fancy places to eat. Sometimes you are doing things at home, cooking and staying in, etc.

But 8 months of going to a bunch of upscale places and still checking them out? come on now.

What planet are you on that most of the women are making the same as men? And better yet, where they have the same disposable income?

Dating has changed, many women do go dutch or offer to pay. Some won't on the first date (or first several) there are others who insist on it from the jump though.

 

I've recently started dating. I only date women that approach me. I find it refreshing when I ask where she is going to take me on our date and she has an idea. Why? Because she approached me and that means that she takes me out and tries to impress me (and she pays). Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of women who approach me and then somehow expect me to come through with the ideas and money. I just decline those kinds of women. I am all for gender equality, and if that makes me cheap, that's fine. I have no shortage of money, and the only time I offer to pay is if the date goes horribly (I don't feel obligated to answer a phone call or reply to a text if I at least pay for my end).

I don't feel like I am less of a man, or weak, or even cheap. The women that approach me have some idea of what I make annually, and I am confident enough to switch roles when it comes to paying for dates and deciding where to go. I used to pay every time. Now I save money and wait for the woman to impress me. If she doesn't, but happens to be a nice person, we can always be friends.

 

How often do women approach you to ask you for a date? I ask because I've only had that happen to me at clubs or similar events, and a lot of those women weren't that great looking.

 

Hahaha.

 

I get asked at random places. I am not much of a club hopper and the events that I attend normally have already married couples. I generally get asked at coffee shops, barnes and nobles, nordstrom, essentially places that I shop. I tend to shop within my area, so the quality of women are never bad. I travel a bit as well, so, depending on the area, I get approached rather often. I am sorry to hear about your experiences. Finding better events, and clubs in better areas might be a better idea for you. The only time I ever get approached by "not so great looking women", is when I venture to the wrong side of town. Good luck, man.

A few other factors that may affect things

Looks
Height
Social status
financial position
area (as I mentioned before)
Your manner of speaking (the cadence of your voice)
The way you carry yourself
The way you dress

 

You ain't lying.

If hes doing all the paying then He better hit em with a happy meal