Here we go again - pedophiles in schools

Why she didn't come out until years later



She thought it was normal

She loved him and did not want to see him go to jail. She still wanted a relationship with him on good terms.

She felt ashamed and disgusted with herself since she could never muster up the strength to say NO


She didn't want to break her family up (fucking lame ass family members told her to take a lie detector test when this motherfucker got a lengthy record)


She didn't want her family or future lovers to look at her as a disgusting person



She thought what happened to her was minor compared to what other people throughout the world go thru on a everyday basis so she would be able to take her secret to the grave without anyone knowing.

 

North....

Since she is not willing to go to therapy, have you considered going yourself? It could help you to learn to understand more about it and it may be a path for her to get help for herself too.

I understand she's had bad experiences with therapy and doesn't want to go. Unfortunately, that's the case for many survivors. Maybe you could contact an abuse center and ask them for a referral. It's important to work with a therapist who specializes in this area. They also may have groups where she might feel more comfortable because there are others who have experienced the same things. It's a very complex multi layer issue.

I commend you for doing what you can to help and also for recognizing things you may have done to contribute to things. I know it has to be difficult to be dealing with it all. It may take her a long time before she's really ready to deal with it too. I was about 27 when I really started to face it all fully. I did't have much of a choice. I started having all sorts of night terrors and flashbacks and ended up with full blown PTSD.

I think even though (like your gf) I was aware of much of what had happened, it didn't really start hitting me full force until I had a child and then it really hit hard when I had a daughter. People have all different things that are triggers. At the time, I was married and my husband had no idea what to say or do, so he just didn't do anything and went on with life like it was nothing. I know now it really bothered him, and he would get angry at ridiculous things and that was just his way of not knowing how to deal with it all.

As difficult as it is for her and as much as she seems to hate you saying things and confronting people, I think it's great that you stand up for her. I always wished someone had done that for me.

One of the very best things that ever happened for me was when my friend found out and was outraged by it all. I was 27 at the time. She was so clear that NONE of it was my doing and that they were wrong and there was no wishy washy stuff about it. Even then, for some time I dismissed and discounted things saying it wasn't as bad as other people have experienced, etc. That's because they have fucked us up way more than we can realize until we are on the other side of it. And even if we somehow know it, we don't want to admit to ourselves or anyone else that they had that much impact on us. There is so much shame, embarrassment, anger, resentment with it all. And just like anyone else, we just want to be normal and wish it would all just go away.

Lots of people will do all sorts of different things to try to feel better or not think about it all....such as drinking, drugs, sexual addiction, lashing out in anger, etc.

Even if you don't think she will ever go to therapy, you going to see someone who specializes in the area would be helpful to you and to her.

 

I disagree with that line of logic. I get what you are saying though

 

I left a ton out because it wasn't important understanding how and why this happens and how people can be so ignorant when it does happens. How it happens to females, happens the same way for males.




I've called hotlines which weren't really helpful for me. I brought and read a few books. Joined a couple survivor forums and would read everyone's harrowing tales. She did evetually attend therapy and I joined as support. It was very helpful for a few months but then she no longer wanted to go because she was tired of reliving the bad memories.

She's been doing better than ever... oddly enough I'm not. I went a couple times by myself which was great to get things off my chest but haven't been back because I have no reason. The things that bother me now, nobody can help help me except for father time.



Again I know this boy could of very well been persuing her the whole time crying wolf now but as a adult, it is my duty to take sexual misconduct very serious regardless of sex, age, how many times it happened and how long it happened. We owe our kids that.

 

I'm sorry for your experience and the fact that you're still struggling.with it. You made the right decision not to share here. I shared a personal experience here to break down a stereotype. While most here were compassionate and respectful, there were a few who couldn't resist being a**holes. I hope that you heal completely from your pain and the memories won't plague you forever.

 

Traditional therapy can be really difficult. I had a time when I had to go a different direction. The therapist was all into bringing up all the memories and as you said "reliving" them was just way too much. I found a different and much better therapist that wasn't all about that. She was more about helping me learn new tools to deal with things and about now. Not just survival tools (we are usually very good at those!) but more thriving skills. I also ended up doing some really unconventional therapies but they helped a great deal. I was really motivated at the time because I just couldn't continue to live the way I was (PTSD) and I had very young kids and didn't feel like I had much of a choice. For me, it came to the point where I either had to deal with it or it was going to deal with me.

Your gf will have to deal with it all on her own terms in her own time.

I hope you are able to find a way that works for you in dealing with it all. It sounds like you are really dedicated to supporting her and that's a really great thing!

I agree we have to take things seriously.

 

How did your friend find out? I'm very glad you got the assistance you needed to get you thru your days. My gf has dealt with it already and has been better than ever... But being that people are able to put on a good front, many days I have the lingering thought everything isn't ok and she's hiding something but I just follow her lead.


Molestion, incest and rape is so destructive. It's like a disease that erodes and decays you from inside out so many people are unaware what your going thru or what it does to your physch. (Which is why I feel so strongly for these teen boys) I have soooo much to say about it but I'll be sitting here writing novels about my feelings and second hand experiences revolving around it.

 

My friend found out because I told her. I was going through therapy at the time and dealing with PTSD and still very defensive of the abusive people in my life excusing them and blaming myself. I would say things like it wasn't a big deal and other people had it worse, they had rough backgrounds and were stressed, and maybe I was wrong...and on and on it goes. But beneath everything that looked to the outside world as a very pretty picture I had created, I was on the verge of a complete breakdown. That (and many other reasons) is why I think sometimes there are very special people placed in our lives that are sortof like angels. Amazingly enough she was the first person who clearly said - this is WRONG...you didn't do anything wrong, you didn't deserve it, etc. The FIRST person! Not 2 therapists, my husband, other family members, no one.

And when I did come out with everything I became the outsider in the family....and that never changed. That's the part that seems really difficult for people to believe. As awful and crazy as things were in my family....it was my family and we were very entangled. I didn't know anything else. No one would have ever thought of me as sheltered or naive either, quite the contrary. They held a type of celebrity status in the community and the circles they were in. There was a long time that I defended them and wasn't strong enough to walk away. Partly I wanted them to take responsibility and validate it all. But I came to understand they weren't capable of that, and while that would be great, it wasn't something I needed to heal.

Most of us are really good at putting up a good front. It doesn't go away though....it's something that always will be a part of her. That doesn't mean she will continue to be in a victim position though. In my own experience and in working with others, you either deal with it fully or it will end up dealing with you. Many of us have a really good survival technique of being able to compartmentalize and shut off certain memories or detach from them too. I had memory blocks of years of time that I had to go back and piece together. That doesn't mean they were gone or healed though. I was one who had to be hit with the brick wall a few times before enough was enough and I had to do whatever it took to get through it. That's the thing...there is no way around it. The only way past it is to go through it.

If you are having those lingering thoughts, chances are very high she's not dealt with it. Often people will get into therapy and then end it after several months because it starts to really get to the core of things....much like you were saying. Then we seal things back up and do things to excel and overcompensate and appear better than ever (sound familiar?).

It's an insidious thing that is extremely destructive. Part of the problem is that when these things happen when we are growing and developing (and teenagers brains are still developing) it does crazy things to our wiring and it really takes direct efforts and learning tools and ways to relate to things in a healthful manner. There is no way that one can not be hurt by this to their core and it takes a lot to heal. Especially people who have been through chronic situations for years. From the outside these people will often look very good and very well put together, even moreso than the average person. Others act out in all sorts of ways.

 

Wow, that’s awful. You told all those people and only your friend really stood up for you. I’m utterly shocked that the therapists weren’t shocked to let you know it wasn’t your fault at all. It’s sad your husband and family weren’t more emphatic but I can slightly understand why. It seems people in general just aren’t equipped to deal with it, a lot of times, they simply want no parts of it.



It fucking blows majorly when you come out with such information, your own motherfucking blood disowns you of all people. People you should feel 100%c comfortable coming out to seeking support but they instead choose to turn they backs on you or drag your name thru the mud. Again, I do understand why these people do what they do and feel what they feel. It’s shattering to their world when this great person they feel they know so well are accused of such things, they absolutely refuse to believe it thinking this person is incapable of such evil hurtful acts.

Your family is what you know and loved all your life so it’s hella tough to walk away even when they continuously hurt you. What helped my girlfriend out greatly was that I been thru this already with my own family so I was able to open her eyes to a lot of things and see things clearly for what they were. I hate to see people played like a fool. Not only was I her boyfriend, I became her father, uncle, brother in a way.

Their was 2 main problems she was dealing with, the sexual abuse by her Uncle and the abandonment by her mother and father. Her hurt her so bad she wasn’t able to grow up and have a normal childhood like everyone else. She missed her brothers dearly. Wasn’t allowed to do extracuricar activities. Didn’t attend any school dances or even walk across the stage during graduation. When she first told me her secret, like your friend, I told her right away that it was absolutely positively 100% not her fault. You were a fucking child and he was adult who took complete advantage of you. You just did what you had to do to survive.

The bigger problem was the lie her mother spun to her about why she choose for her to move in with he aunt over 400 miles away. My gf said only 1 time her mother came to see her in 8 years. I told her, your mother straight up lied to you. You have 6 other fucking brothers but none of them were sent away. If it was so bad for you there, why did they continue living at home with her? Your mother sent you away out of pure selfishness. She couldn’t handle raising so many kids plus she put a man over her child who was in dire need of her mother. That’s not a fucking mother or a parent.

Your mother is fake as fuck. Always on Facebook talking about how much she loves her for everyone to see to fronting like she’s this great parent. Don’t listen to her words but her actions. This bitch feels hella guilty what she did and is trying to make up for it, not for you, but for herself. She could care less how you really feel, if she truly did, she would of attempted to get full custody of you again.


She hasn’t spoken to her father for 8 years because he was on probation for touching her which set off all these events. All she wanted was a apology from him. She also still would like a father/daughter relationship with him. When we visited her family together the first time, it was the first time she got to see and speak to her father in 8 years. He seemed like a decent dude… I kinda felt bad for him but still didn’t forget he’s the reason her life was fucked up. He liked me a lot. When we got some alone time, I pulled him to the side. I said “hey, your daughter is severely hurt by the act your committed, you messed up big time but she still would like to have a father/daughter relationship with you. She just needs a apology to start the healing process.” He says he knows he fucked up, I plan on apologizing but at the right time. It’s so great to see my family together again and so happy. I don’t want to ruin it. His apology is the reason I told her secret before we left. “I know what I did to you was bad, but good things came out of it, you moving to PA was for the better and your Uncle n Aunt took really good care of you” That left such a bad taste in my mouth leaving my blood boiling.


When it came to her Uncle and all the excuses she made up for him. I laid it out flat, this motherfucker groomed you from a child to be his fucking girlfriend and personal property. All that keeping you away from friends and family was never about you staying out of trouble, it was to keep you from telling your secret. He never had your best interest in mind as he drilled in your head for all these years. It was all to stay in control. He bad mouthed your family constantly and kept you away from them to appear as the good guy. It actually came out, that while he was abusing her, he abused a neighbor many years prior. My gf confronted him about it saying he flipped the fuck out saying “How fucking dear you ask me such a thing!?” all the while he was abusing her at the time. This dude was nothing but a parasite who had nothing going for himself. All that joining the army shit my gf wanted to do was the seeds he planted in her head. Dude wanted to join the marines so bad but developed a long rap sheet which prevented him from joining. Your uncle is living thru you.



If your Uncle really had it going on, why does he choose to live with you, your aunt, your aunts husband, and your aunts kid for all them years. No grown ass man with his head on straight is going to choose to live in a house with all them fucking people. “He’s always been a family man” You can be a family man in your own fucking house. “He didn’t see me as a gf” Oh really, how many gfs did he have since he was there. “None, they weren’t up to his standards” No,he wasn’t up to peoples standards that’s why he chose a child to exploit. “he was just a lonely man who had a rough life” That’s cool, gives him no fucking right for what he did. After more details came out later, I was able to explain to her how her Uncle orchestrated everything in his favor to take advantage.

 

When we visited her family, the 2nd night she did confront her family to vent about how she felt sending them away. They took it very personal but I was their to back my gf up kind of like a spokesman because tempers flared from both sides. My gf would get choked up getting her words out but I was able to explain how she felt. I don’t like my gf’s mom at all, this bitch didn’t not want to take accountability at all. The guilt was too much for her. Her father was very remorseful tho.


Then it was her aunt as well who took up for. I never thought anything of the aunt at first until a year later. I was like yo, this chick been living for me over a year now and her aunt, this so called god fearing very loving church woman who would give her shirt off her back to a homeless person never reached out to my gf on some “Hey I miss you” “Hey, I hope your ok”, “hey call me if you need me” Right there and then, I knew the aunt was just as complicit as the uncle (they are twins and it’s proven in studies that twins stick among each other like glue) I pointed this out to my gf which hurt her but she didn’t want to believe. “My aunt is very loving blah blah” Well whens the last time you heard from her? Exactly! Where was your aunts room? Where was your Uncle’s room? Sorry, your aunt knew what was going on all along. It’s common fucking sense to know something is wrong when you don’t see a child, but adults door is closed to their room. All them years, please get the fuck out of here. Also I don’t care how quiet you are when having sex, the whole atmosphere changes so people know something is going on. Your aunt condoned it, why you think she always had to be in the room when you spoke to your mother? To make sure you kept your mouth shut. Your aunt always shut you down when you wanted to do activites outside of church, she never brought you new clothes or even tampons when you were bleeding. Never gave you the money your mom gave her for child support, but instead gave it to her daughter and granddaughter. Y’all never went out and did fun activities as a family. She saw you nothing but a piggy bank for her own selfish needs.

I wrote a very scathing letter to her aunt on facebook. Her uncle I would harass with calls and text messages. I went as far to make 300 copies of a bulletin with 3 of her uncles photos with his height, age, weight, tats, address, past arrests with a huge headline BEWARE OF CHILD RAPIST detailing what happened at that address and urging people to believe their children when they reveal such info and left phones numbers and links to crisis centers. I kept this in storage for a few months. I wanted to pass it out but I thought about how my gf would feel so I sat on it. When my gf decided to confront her Aunt and Uncle, I brought them out of storage. I’m like fuck it, I’m doing it because shit like this needs to stop and I hope it gives a child in her position the courage to speak up.


Her Uncle was too afraid to face her but the aunt was in complete denial. She was a straight up ass hole about it. My gf sitting their sobbing trying to get her words together saying “first I want to thank you for all that you’ve done for me” but the aunt is looking at her like fucking dirt, not giving a fuck. Right before my gf could talk about the abuse, the aunt decided she had enough because she didn’t want to face it telling us to leave. It got really heated, I told that fat bitch to get her fat ugly ass back down these steps and fucking listen. Sucks, her husband got caught in the crossfire so he had to defend his wife. I said I wish you old stupid ass would put your hands on me, watch what happens. I yell up the steps for the uncle to bring his cowardly ass on downstairs, stop hiding behind your sister you bitch. He never came out his room. I’m trying to make my way up the steps to his room but the aunt is blocking me, the husband trying to stand in front of me, and my gf is scared shitless tugging my shirt from behind saying crying lets go because she scared Im going to go to jail. I say some more choice words to the aunt to simply piss her and feel worthless. Before we left, I went in the trunk of the car to grab the bulletins and passed them around the neighborhood. Mad as fuck I didn’t get to pass them to every house like I wanted. My original plan was to post them on every pole and house at night but I did this during the day…. Right away, neighbors were going to her house with the papers in hand and the cops were called.



Even tho it got crazy, she felt really good about herself having the courage to confront them. Therapy still didn’t happen until many months later. During this time, I would sent her words of inspiration and qutoes, ask her to watch Youtube therapy videos with me, and read passages of books revolving around abuse to her. She felt that therapy was unnecessary because of me… but the violent lash outs continued to happen on a weekly basis. She didn’t attend therapy until I finally got fed up and I was legit done with the relationship. She seeked out therapists and lucked up on the first one who was super amazing.

At the first, the therapist got into everything I already told my gf so she’s like I know all of this already, but once the therapist got to know her and background information after a few sessions, she was able to go delve deeper than I ever could helping her understand everything that is going on with herself and her family on another level. At this time, my gf had bad PTSD, she felt that she saw her Uncle everywhere, freezing up, thinking he would hurt her again. The therapist employed this very simple but powerful exercise to combat it. She said, close your eyes and envision your home alone. You hear a knock at the door and it’s your Uncle when you open it. My gf starts trembling and sobbing in fear. The therapist says, what do you do? My gf says I don’t know why crying. She asks her, can he hurt you? No he cannot because you are in control, you have the power. What do you do? My gf again says “I don’t know” The therapist says close the door.

Ever since that exercise, she doesn’t have PTSD and night terrors like before. I was like holy shit, who woulda though itd something easy like that that’ll help with attacks. What else helped, my gf saw the therapist as that motherly figure she never had. It made her feel so good. She was sick of it being men help guide her thru life, she felt it was a mothers job so she just needed that feminine input to things.

At the time, my gf was still making up for her Uncles acts but the therapist helped majorly in such a simple way. “When you went to your Aunt’s and Uncles house, where was Uncle” In his room. “Why didn’t he confront you” I don’t know “What do you do when people accuse of things you didn’t do” I defend myself lol “Why didn’t you uncle defend himself” Silence. “Because he knows he’s guilty, when you came their that day, you were in control and took the power away from him, he was scared of you and did not want to face you” It was this day, she stopped making excuses for him.









I disagree with you when it comes to my lingering thoughts means there is a high chance she hasn’t dealt with it. When someone cheats on you and you accept them back, you will always have lingering thoughts of uncertainty that they’ll do it again. Same applies to the recovery phase of abuse, self harm, and drugs. Because you never know how people truly feel no matter how great your senses are, your on high alert at all times afraid that your missing the signs again like the first time you found out.

To your last part. What you say very well may be true but it’s also one thing that annoys me about some abuse surivivors. I feel a lot of abuse survivors confuse everyday problems and attribute to abuse sort as a crutch. Their’s nothing wrong with sealing things back up or blocking memories, if that’s what helps you so be it. Some people feel that survivors have to confront it head on not realizing what works for you isn’t going to work for everyone else. For example, my gf still does not want to call what her Uncle did to her rape. Theirs people out there who would get mad over that and say “you haven’t dealt with it”. No she just doesn’t deal with it the way you see fit…. I was one of the people who felt this way along with the therapist. The therapist did remark in the beginning session to her, after all the shit you been thru, you handle it remarkably well. I have clients who haven’t progressed for years and rather dwell on misery.

I feel like having a support system makes a huge difference for survivors. It seems that the people who have no one to lean on have the hardest time navigating thru life, people with support tend to accept what happened and heal much quicker then

 

:smt043

 

What she did was foul and wrong, but I can't lie - when I was his age a deal like that with a woman in her 20s was what I wanted more than anything.

 

North! A hundreds million thanks to You! I admire You for this! I read every singel word and your gf has one amazing boyfriend!


As a lot of people know on here, i come from an abusive, alcoholic home and i had full blown PTSD myself for many years after i left home at 15. I seeked out chaos, because it was easier than the periods inbetween, when You waited for shit to hit the fan. Along with all other symptoms

My stepdad put me in the hospital 4 times over 8 years and never did social service every get involved, even after i skipped shool, took a 1 h bus ride to the closest office to ask for help. They didnt even contact my mother about it!

First time was my 6th birthday when he came home drunk and hit his head on a lamp and proceeded to beat me up. The next day, he came to the hospital with a bag full of barbie stuff. Even at 6 yoa, i knew exactly what he was doing and i refused to take it. He also chased me with a broken bottle, threw a knife at me, and tipped a book case over me. All ending with me in the hospital.

He was mean drunk who loved keeping us hostage to his anger, breaking windows, punching holes in doors and walls and his favorite was stabbning cabinet doors with a butcherknife. He would also set the dog on me in the middle of the night, type 3 am on a school night. The dog never did me harm, the dog was scared himself and just did the minimum to avoid getting beaten

There were daily verbal, emotionally, physically and sexual abuse. Never any intercourse but never the less sexual abuse. It went so far that i choose to sleep out in the barn, in the hey, even IF it was -20 degrees celcius outside. I had a place there where i had many blankets and sleepingbags and an alarm clock. Then i got up and went to school. School was a haven because he wasnt there.

Mom was not aware of how bad it was as she traveled for work. I didnt tell her until about 10 years ago.

I was deemed a bad kid by neighbors and many werent allowed to play with me. Not entirely sure why but i must have had some behavior that wasnt right. One friend told me that her mother told her that " wolves should not play with peas". Its still imprinted in my mind and i still dont know what it really means. That was at age 8 or so. Later, i was just simply a very angry person, destructive and trying to get revenge on the world, one person at a time. Not very nice and just angry and impossible. I really had no other tools, that was all i was able to deal with.

That was how i lived for a long time, not able to deal with the memories and evens. It was too painful. And You think You did something wrong. Its shameful and embarasing and it makes You dirty. Its very confusing. It wasnt until my 30s until i was willing, and able to sort it out. I never did therapy but i wish i did, as it wouldnt take me so long to get emotionally right again. I just sabotaged relationship after relationship ( probably for the first paragraph resaon, chaos was easier to deal with, than the immaginary wait for it to happen, which i was sure would happen) poor guys didnt stand a chance.

I wish i had been brave enough like your girlgfiend to share, and with someone that was ready to tackle it, like You are!

You are amazing! Keep up the good fight, the reward will be amazing, it may take some time. This needs to be on her schedule. Just keep supporting her, but dont forget yourself, You need help too to be able to absorb this. Its not easy.

I agree on these boys, it night be something outsiders "wish happened to them" at that age. But its not that simple. At all. It can be extraordinarily damaging for years to come. It fucks up wiring that can be hard to fix

 

I'm reading this stuff and its just horrible.
Its horrible how people treat people. Its just as horrible that people stand by and do nothing

 

Wow, this fills my heart with great sorrow and my eyes of brooding anger. That is very courageous of you to share your personal life story. I am so incredibly sorry that you, K, Meow, Raider, and anyone else who had to experience such intrusive unjustness. My heart is truly with you guys and I admire, respect you guys strength to push thru living life immensely. You are just as brave as she or anyone else is.


:freehug: :freehug: :freehug:

.

 

Dont feel sorry for me my friend
Im so over it and feel at this point it happened to somebody else. It just feels so far away. I have come to terms with it and at this point, i can carry it as a badge of who i am. The truth is, as horrible as it was, i came out allright in the end. I am a very strong woman and that, along with many other traits, were things that came from that experience.
I wouldnt be who i am without that experience

I only told You so You have other stories while You work on you, and your girlfriends situation
Keep your head up, You are amazing. Be proud, youll see, You WILL make a difference

 

Dude, fight through it. It will all work out in the end. I'm living proof of that. Trust me.

 

I can relate to you on soooooo many levels on your previous post. I'm glad you faught through it and kept your head up in the end. Keep pushing!!

PS: share the fountain!!

 

I say that i ran out of mean. Lol. I was such a horrible person for a long time this is what many people dont understand with young people out there, acting out and doing very destructive things. Its simply the only thing g they know and its a defence mechanism i think. You only know chaos and anger. Its often the only tools You have IF You come from a violent home.

Im glad You came out on top too!!!:smt008

For the fountain, no clue. I thank my momma!

 

Very true!

There are also the kids who are all about keeping it together and trying to make everything look good. But usually if you look closer you will find there is some sort of destruction going on somewhere.