views on the purpose of dating?

That be by your side 24/7 way of thinking falls into that "you are my everything" concept. To me it's just a nice song by Mary J B. It's really not fair to look at someone that way, we are human. Life is about balance. The relationships based on that "you are my everything" mentality seldom work in the long run.

 

Totally enjoy your posts. Glad you are back. Kinca, the voice of reason.

 

You have a job, car and house, yet those are the concerns that you bring up when "dating" is discussed. Lmao

 

It sortof seems like a set up for failure.

I've met men who were looking for that "you are my everything" type of thing and I found it really overwhelming and it made me take a hard look at myself and things I had thought I wanted.

The thing is that there are those relationships where both people are fully all in 100% but that's something that develops. It isn't an instant thing. I'm watching people cut off possibilities simply because the person wasn't everything instantly.

So many seem to want everything set up and guaranteed. But a huge part of a relationship is being willing to take that leap of faith. There is no guarantee, ever.

I guess I'm just too analytical at times. When I read the list of things that make me think people are doing the "you are my everything" type of thing...it makes me think of the other side of that. I'm always hearing about how women want a man who's more involved. But then they want them to be involved the way they want and complain if the man is involved in his own way.

On the whole friendship thing...damn I would hope I would spend the rest of my life with the man who became my best friend. No matter how great things are in different areas of relationships, at certain points that friendship is what's going to get you through.

(thanks for the kind words luv!)

 

What is it that you do want?

And why do you think you haven't had it happen in those 20 years?

 

Lol.

 

I do???? Where? When? I want a godly man who is marriage minded (not saying he wants to marry ME right from go, but that he is looking for love and commitment, not a casual encounter) and will court me. Most of the godly men I know are married. You know, they take their relationship with God and their wives seriously. My ex did not.

 

I think it absolutely is friendship...with an intamacy factor. What she's describing is a partnership and while her post may have come off a little 24/7, I don't think that's what she meant. Being your partners everything doesn't always equate to co-dependency. No sane person seeks out a co-dependent partner lol. I very much believe in needing our own interests, time apart, time alone even, but even with that being said, I appreciate and respect the hell out of my guy for being my rock, my anchor, truly my peace. If I had a shitty day at work, I know he'll wrap me in his arms and make me forget all my problems. Him being my rock isn't felt like a burden to him, there's no feeling of suffocating responsibility in his being "my everything" or I being his. He's made it known time and time again that he feels like I'm his anchor, just as I feel he is mine. The calm that a foundation like that can have on ones life is what I think Ches was describing. I think a good relationship is one of appreciation and reciprocation and I think anything Ches is looking for, she's probably willing to reciprocate 10 fold. People need to maintain their individual identities in a relationship but that'll never stop me from making my partner feel like he's my everything because at the end of the day his happiness is my happiness and there isn't anything (within reason lol) that I wouldn't do for him. Human beings are multi-faceted creatures which I think allows us to view our partners as our heart/our life, without necessarily losing sight of our individual selves.

 

It sounds like you are really clear about what you want. Which is really important. So many people are upset that they don't have what they want but they really are not clear about what they want.

Why do you think you haven't found what you want in the 20 years?

It seems to reason that if you are looking for a Godly man then your best bet would be a Godly place/environment. Just as there are many women who were married to men who would fall into the category as your ex, there are many men who were married to women who would fall into that category as well.

 

Any idea why some women seek provision and security? If she is pregnant and unable to work, I get it. Is that something that only women who don't work seek? If a woman is fully empowered academically and professionally, is that still the case? I don't necessarily like or crave freedom, but I don't like dates that feel like love is some sort of career goal or objective - like I'm being herded toward the barn. I would never be certain if a woman really is in love or is just seeking the provision and security.

 

Stop being unfair. She NEVER said those things. ALL she EVER said was that she wanted a Christian man. Lol

 

LMAO, I know. I'm just asking her in response to an earlier post. Not her in particular, but curious about her observation about men and women in general.

 

*dead*

 

Actually, she wanted a "godly" man.

 

She said 24/7/365 kinda hard to misinterpret that lol.

One thing that I think we can agree on is that whatever you do in the first year should be done for the duration of the relationship. Some guys be a girls "everything" one year but they can't keep up the same behavior for 10+ years.

Not trying to make anyone crazy. I'm not trying to make a woman crazy then complain when she stabs me. Lol

 

Ditto. I couldn't sleep under the same roof. I'd be too scared I wouldn't wake up.

 

This. We don't often agree, but you get it.

 

Absolutely agreed

 

^^ For sure you have to be the same person that you were when they met you in order to sustain your friendship and build a strong foundation for a relationship. You can't stop being Mr or Mrs wonderful and then turn into Mr or Mrs monotonous, among other negative personality traits.

 

Couldn't have said it better fam
One of the major reasons my last relationship ended. I couldn't tell if she wanted me or just wanted a man to love if that makes sense. I get that women are on a different time table than we are but taking the time to let things develop organically is crucial to me.