Guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts. What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? ?If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, you won't have a leg to stand on I just walked past my bookcase and heard it say "Whoa! I can hold stuff!" It was a moment of shelf awareness.
I've been ill. I was in bed with 104. And let me tell you that's a lot of people in one bed............. I said 'doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains' He said 'then pull yourself together'........
Sky has just won the rights to screen the first World Origami Championships from Tokyo. Unfortunately, it's only available on paper view..
A neutron walks into a bar and asks "how much for a beer?" The bartender says "for you? No charge" What did one ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing. They just waved. A man walks into a psychiatrists office with two bananas stick up his nose, a date in one ear and a cashew in the other. "doctor, what is my problem?" The doctor looks at him and says "apparently you aren't eating right."
A man comes to the doctor and complains about really bad pain in his leg. The doctor: you gotta stop jacking off The patient: Why??? The doctor: because I wanna give you an exam....
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
