Son Husbands

This title is actually borrowed from an article I read awhile back. The relationship of some men and their mamas is something that is praised, but not analyzed. You see this a lot more in the urban community, especially black where black men have a deep loving relationship with their mothers often to the point it could be emotional incest.

Black men learn at an early age that mama comes first, mainly because we see that it is only mama who raises us from a child to a man. However sometimes that can come along with a baggage of taking care of mama, being there even as you become an adult.

I'm not talking of if she needs you for small things, or helping in old age, I'm talking of damn near being her man without sex lol. If you go on social media you see a lot of young single black moms hugged up with their sons in the picture captioned "the only man I need".

Hell I grew up with this personally, as my own mother wants me to fill in financially, or emotionally the way a husband should for his wife and she's married smh.

Now this isn't only exclusive to the black community as their are some other races who probably witness this as well. Some of you may have a codependent mom or father who needs more than what's required out of a child.

Not to mistake this for people here who have a great relationship with their parents who would do anything for them. Maybe you know someone who has parents who are like this. What are some of your experiences? Maybe you have a dad who is like this. Feel free to share or give an opinion. This was lengthy but had to get this out lol.

 

Yeah that disgusting attitude is pretty much prevalent in poor households across America. American black parents will treat a child like shit from birth hood to adulthood but then have they dirty ass hands out expecting you to take care of them all because they birthed you. It's sickening when you see these pathetic bum ass bitches on social media treating they son's like they man.

 

I don't want to say anything against your mom....however, this is really dysfunctional.

Any parent who does this with their child is really off base. It's our job to raise our children to be solid adults who are able to have solid relationships of their own. We as the parents need to model healthy relationships for our children.

This shit right here is why so many men have such a tough time having a healthy relationship. I think this is what Flame has talked about many times on here.

It's very twisted to turn your child into a surrogate spouse...or even into a best friend (another one I cringe about and hear ALL THE DAMN TIME). We are their parents not their best friends. We have no business confiding in our children or expecting them to be in a role they are not meant to be. That really fucks them up for life and needs to be addressed.

 

Interesting. I'd say that I'm simply a son who cherishes my mom. She's been a great person, great mother and so on. My mom is definitely my #1 priority, but I think it's a healthy mother/son relationship. I help out my mom financially to make her ends meet, but she's always appreciative of anything I can do. Yesterday, I was in NYC (a trip I make every 8 weeks) to take my mom food shopping, and Costco, then lunch afterward.

I always admired my mom for being a fair person. When I was married... She was always respectful of it and my ex, and she'd never try to come between me and a s/o.

It's sad that some mothers will intentionally lean on their sons more than what she should, and I'm so thankful that my mom totally does none of it. In fact... It's usually me offering her stuff, and if she doesn't need it... she'll decline. I couldn't ask for a better mom, and I love her dearly for the person she is, and all she's done in raising my brother and I.

 

I think you have a very healthy relationship with your mom. It's how it should be. You are a really good son and she's a really good mom.

 

My momma is the one that raised me after my parents divorced when I was 1 year old, and God willing, I will be the one who buries her at her funeral.

As for the relationship between me and my mom,at times it's been stressful, but her love for me has always been unconditional. Even when we didn't agree.

Right now she's displaying signs of early alzheimer's which is frustrating as hell because she's still stubborn and has her own mind, but I just gotta figure out a way to work through it.

I can't really talk shit about my mom. She was the one when I was a hardcore jock in HS and didn't have a driver's license, drove me to the nearest track at 9pm at night so I could run sprints. And never complained.
She's always been my biggest cheerleader. She's the one who said when I was visiting relatives during the summer and something just didn't feel right, to call her and I could come home the next day.

Yeah, Black moms sometimes can be overbearing and controlling, nonetheless I take all my emotional maturity and compassion from the way my momma raised me.
My mom was the one who taught me how to fight and stand up for myself if goons( high brow and 'hood level) MFers were coming after me.lol

Yeah I think it's wrong when mothers substitute relationships with other men for the love of their sons, but I never experienced that.

I really don't think I would have made it without my momma. Real talk.

Tears for those who didn't have mommas who were down for them from birth.


The respect I have for women, and people in general, comes from how my mom raised me. And even she doesn't respect that many people.lol

 

I am my children's best friend and I believe every parent should be. Being a best friend doesn't mean condoning or partaking in shitty activities with them.

 

Well we can disagree. There's a difference between being their parent and being their friend. It's one thing when they are adults and the relationship shifts to adult - adult relationship. But your boys need you to be their dad, not their friend. You still have many years left to be their parent and they need that. A friend is very different.

Don't get it wrong.....my kids have always come to talk to me about everything (even stuff I kindof wish they hadn't). But it's still very clear that I'm their parent and that line of respect is always there. That's not the same as being a "best friend". Best friends tell each other personal things. You have no business telling your boys personal things, grown up things, or showing them things like that either. This is something I said to you in the other threads about your relationship.

 

Still the same crazy MFer.

 

Definitely. Unfortunately it wasn't until I left home before I matured and realized this wasn't normal. Most of my friends grew up like this, and you were raised never to question mama. Most kids fear their mom so home isn't a place where you can ask questions about certain actions.

 

Mom sounds like a great person. My mother did the same things for me, but also there were things I still till this day disagree with. I still love her very much and accept her for who she is.

 

We have complete different ideas what it means being a best friend to your child. If you haven't experienced this with your child, that's a real shame. If you did, you just yapping ya gums just because.


19 Things You Understand If You're Best Friends With Your Dad
You and him make the best team.



He pretends he doesn't care if they think he's cool, but you know he's definitely putting on a show for them.

2. He was always trying to teach you stuff when you were younger.



Some of it was kind of useful.


3. But now you're older he's not too proud to let you teach him things.



Mainly about how to work his phone.

4. He's always trying to make you laugh.



5. And he usually succeeds.



He has at least one trick up his sleeve that's bound to make you belly laugh even when you're in the worst of moods.

6. He's always interested in what you're doing, and what you're into at the moment.



And he'll try to join in, with mixed success.

7. There are some foods that you always eat together.



It's just wrong to hang out on a Saturday night together and eat something other than pie and chips.

8. Anyone you're dating is always nervous to meet him, because they know how much he means to you.



But he always likes them, as long as they're nice to you.


9. He's your favourite person to do absolutely nothing with.




Hanging out in the same room while not talking to each other is one of your favourite past times.

10. He's always teasing you.



But he knows where the line is.

11. He's the first person you call whenever you have a crisis.



Everything from "will I die if I microwave rice?" to actual problems.

12. And he always gives the best advice.




13. You've definitely lied about being busy, when really you just wanted to do nothing with your dad.



"Yeah definitely can't come and do something cool with you tonight, have very important business."

14. Or you might have even said "sorry my dad wants to hang out with me."



When really the feeling was entirely mutual.

15. He never has to ask you how you are.



If you're in a mood and you meet up, he'll ask you what's wrong before you've even said anything.

16. He has always taken you seriously.

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However silly your problems were they always mattered to him.

[SIZE=4][B]17. Calling him is never a chore.[/B]
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[B]When you call home anyone who picks up the phone knows you're going to ask to talk to him.[/B]
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[B][SIZE=4][B]18. He never stays angry at you for making a mistake.[/B]
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[B]And he'll do his best to help you fix whatever you messed up.[/B]
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[B][SIZE=4][B]19. You know he'll always be there for you.[/B]
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It isn't only black women, I have a friend who is not letting go of her sons. They are her man, without the sex, of course. I think it is sick.

 

Cue Mama by Boys II Men
Over here tearing up like crazy lol

As you get older and you see the world for what it is that unconditional love you get from your parents especially your mom becomes that much more valuable. My God the never ending sacrifices just so we could have a little more. Live in a good neighborhood, go to good schools, have all those extras like a car when were teenagers vacations every year while the best they could hope for when they were young was new shoes and fucking food.
I'm a loud and proud mama's boy because she always did without just so we could have. Pain in my ass but the best part of my life until I get to be a pain in the ass father.

 

My mother never was controlling or overbearing in the least bit. My entire capacity for compassion and love comes from her. Her being the only of 8 to go to college, I get my intellect and resilience from her. If it were not for her my dark side would define me.

 

Salute.

 

See my relationship with my mother greatly differs from everyone in this thread. It's really frustrating thinking what I could of been in life if I had loving, supporting parents who were heavily invested in me like you guys parents. My mother was a bum ass bitch and I was just a burden to take care of growing up. She felt all because she brought me videogames it made her a good parent since she had a super rough upbringing.

She constantly put men before her own children, looked down on me because I was dorky instead of thuggish, and plain jealous of my happiness.

You are absolutely correct about this being normal for many peoples lives and you don't question it. Me, I've always been different and been anti-establishment. At 16 I stopped taking my mothers shit. I tried for years to have a normal mother son relationship with her but finally at 22 I dealt with the reality she would never change and my mom was dead to me as a mother. She's just a after thought now.

 

Wow that's pretty deep. Sorry that your mom put you through that. I can relate to certain things you hit on. Things with my mom were bittersweet. She is a loving mom, taught me valuable life lessons, was my biggest supporter, and yea there were times she had sacrifice for us which I greatly appreciate and remember.

However my mom also was my biggest hater, a lot of times I got hit cuz we pissed her off randomly, like you she would sometimes have a distaste cuz I wasn't like other neighborhood kids and studied. When I was young, I actually gave a shit about my life and valued my education. My mom would make fun cuz I wasn't like the other thugged out niggas outside.

Also financially she never did well. Often spending money hanging out in the streets with her girlfriends while my step Pops gave her what she wanted. My step dad is actually a good man, a quiet guy who doesn't drink and works hard. My mom was able to find a good black man, who took her in and her 3 kids. None of us are by him, and my mom totally took advantage of him and still does to this day. Calls him names, basically doesn't respect him as a human or a man. I told him years ago he should leave, but I guess his self esteem is so beat he doesn't think he deserves better.

I love my mom, but I do see some of the things she does is a product of low self-esteem issues. She glorified and chased the ghetto lifestyle growing up, and kept low tier friends around who didn't care about her. Through life ive dealt with her struggles and often had to be the role model for my younger siblings. From being out in the streets strung out in drugs, giving my paycheck to put food in the house, to physically breaking up fights between my mom and another woman. She's old now, and I always thought she could have done so much more of her life. She jokes that I think too much like "white folk" cuz I care about my body, and do things that are strange to our community lol. I don't care I love what I've become. I know I'm black but that doesn't mean I have to be a ghetto institutionalized degenerate. Sorry for the long rant but I can totally see where you are coming from. I really do live my mother and we have a cool relationship minus her codependency these days. I live far away so that I can live my own life under my terms.

 

Aw man, we just might be related lol!

I'm glad that you persevered thru that garbage and continue to thrive wanting more in life, you doing the damn thing man!